decisions | a Deamus fanfic

His comforting words

I woke up all sweaty and teary, I sit up and look around the dark musty room. I was a wreck I was upset and happy it was just a dream. Upset that Dean and I never kissed or he held me tightly and whispered in my ear, but happy because Ginny doesn't know.

I get out of bed and walk into the bathroom far enough away from the boys. I walk into the restroom and dry my eyes, I lock the door the door behind me and look into the mirror. "You're worthless Seamus, no guy in their right mind would ever want to be with you." I said softly to myself, and I believed it. "You're lucky enough Dean still talks to you, he could've left along time ago." I whisper. "He's probably only still here because he pities you." I say backing away from the mirror.

I start to cry, I didn't even notice I was until one of my tears hit the floor. I look down and cover my mouth careful not to wake anyone. "God dammit Seamus, you're a loser." I convince myself. "Such a bloody loser." I whisper. "W-What a l-loser.." I say before burying my hand in my arms and bringing my knees to my chest until I can almost feel my heart pounding. I sit there in silence listening to my heart wrecked sobs, and the stillness of the night.

I look to my left, and there it is, the jar of peppermint rub. Maybe some aspect of the dream was real. I grab it and clutch it in my grasp for a moment before turning the knob and opening the delicate jar. It was made of glass so when it opened the liquid drained out in wisps of smoke gracefully. I lift it up to my nose and take a deep breath.

It smells like happiness, something I will never have. It smells like love, also something that I dream of having but probably will never achieve. It isn't because I'm in capable of love, I think I've already established that I am much more capable of love, even. It's because there is one person I love and probably will ever love, but he loves someone else. The first rule to love is also self-acceptance, there's this saying, 'You need to learn how to love yourself, before you let someone else love you.'

Well shit I've already failed at rule number one. I often find myself come across that question more than a couple times a day, if Dean ever does love me like that, how will he love me, when I don't even love myself? I shake my head, "Then he'll never love me." I whisper softly to the darkness in front of me.

Do you ever just come to a realization of something, and you just...how do I describe it? Just feel empty, like having a loved one in bed with you when you fall asleep only to wake up and find out that they're not there? Or maybe having this best friend that you told everything too, and you find out that your friendship was just a lie? Yea that's how I feel right now. I feel.....incomplete. I have this feeling inside of me saying, 'You need to fight for Dean! You need to make him realize that you've always been there and always will be! You need to fight for yourself!' But how is one supposed to fight when they have no motivation to live?

After a while of sitting there in the still darkness of the night I come to the realization that I'll probably never find love, or if I do find a person, I won't be invested in the person as much as I'm invested in Dean, and I don't want to do that to somebody. I touch my face, and realize that I'm crying again, I wipe the tears away from my eyes, and shake my head.

I lay my head against a wall and my sobs become louder, soon I'm engulfed into eternal nothingness, just the darkness, me, and my cries for help, otherwise known as just crying. The darkness swallowed me whole and the only light that lit up the room so dimly that I coudln't even see my hand, shone through a dusty window that looked like it hadn't been cleaned in years, and years, and looked like it was home to cobwebs and spiders, so I merely lay down on the floor and fall asleep.

When I awake it's still dark and for a moment I almost forget why I'm sitting on a dirty bathroom floor, when I could be in my warm bed, losing sleep because of him. Everything I'm feeling is because of him, this sadness, this longing to be with him, this wanting to be touch, or even held by him. It's all because of him. I now know, that until, I learn to let him go, I won't be out of this state of mind.

But I can't......

I can't let him go, not yet...

There's a saying that you do all your best thinking in the shower, and when you're supposed to be sleeping, that's what I'm doing right now, thinking. Just thinkin' , about life and how to overcome it, the only thing is. I haven't been thinking about life, and I have no idea how to overcome life yet, all these thoughts have just been about him, he's taken over my life, and strangely enough I love it, I love what he does to me.

I sigh and lean against the wall, I hear shuffling and I just sit there, someone's probably just rolling around in bed, so I sit there and relax. Then it all happens in sequences. The door started to open then I heard the voice. "Shay?" It as softly oh it was so gentle. "I know you're in there, I heard crying and you weren't in your bed and I got worried." He cares about me..... at least I know he cares now. He walks in and looks down at me, His beautiful brown eyes swimming with wonder, looking into my lifeless blue ones.

He comes over to me and hugs me and softly says, almost like if he said it any louder the entire space between us would turn into glass and shatter. "I know...." He pauses. "I know you're gay...." I tense up and he grabs my hand, to calm me. "It's alright Shay. I won't tell anyone." I nod.

He wraps his arm around my waist, my back against his chest, and my head on his shoulder. "I like someone...." I tell him quietly, then the tears come. "I'm afraid he thinks I'm worth nothing, and won't love me." Dean holds me tightly and I feel one of his tears fall onto my hand. "I hate seeing, my best friend like this, please don't doubt yourself, You're worth so much, and any guy would be lucky to have you." He tells me.

I bite my lip. "Dean please don't cr-" I plead. He shakes his head. "I can't Shay, I can't sit here and watch my best friend beat himself up, when I don't know what to do!" He says softly, "I feel so helpless..." I shake my head. "i'm sorry." I say quietly. He shakes his head and traces circles on my heads. "Things will get better Shay, I promise. Now you need to promise me something. " I nod and say. "Anything Dean. " He takes a deep breath and says. "promise me, you'll try and stay strong...for me. " I bite my lip and whisper. "Yes, I promise." He mumbles. "Good," and leans against the wall with me in his arms. We slowly fall asleep together and I come to my last realization of the day. I'll always love, him but maybe I don't need his touch or love.

I just need his comforting words.

A/N Hey guys!

I really hoped you enjoyed this chapter of Desicions! I wasn't sure if I was going to update today but I did!

I worked really hard on this chapter!

hope I didn't make you cry too much!

So yea don't forget to vote, comment, and keep reading!

ILY guys!