Not Good Enough (James McVey/Connor Ball - Jonnor) (1/2)

Chapter 22 - Confession

Connor's POV:

James looks down at my wrist and I climb off of his knee, he looks at me in surprise and shock of what has just happened. 'Connor are you....' James starts before I interrupt him with a 'sorry' and run upstairs. I run into the my room, close the door and run to the corner. I slide down the wall and bring my knees up to my chest and slowly start to rock back and forth.

Brad's POV:

Everyone is in the living room and James darts up the stairs and I follow him close behind. When we get to the top of the stairs and I grab his shoulder and stop him 'James, I'm such an idiot'. He turns around and looks at me 'can we talk later?' he asks before I lift something up and his eyes widen. Its the plastic razor with the 2 blades missing 'I'm soo sorry, I should've known it was Con, I found this in the bathroom'. James turns around 'no no no no no' before bursting through the door.

Connor's POV:

(PS: Sorry for all the POV changes)

Someone bursts through the door and snaps me out of my thoughts before I realise I'm holding the small metal piece to my wrist again. James dives over the bed and pulls the metal out my hand before throwing it to the other side of the room and pulling me into a hug. I wrap my arms around his body and let all my tears come out. His hand starts to rub circles on my back and the other hand is stroking my hair. 'Its ok Con, I'm here now' he whispers into my ear. He pulls my legs over his and I curl into his chest and hide my face again. 

'I'm always here for you Con' James whispers into my ear and I look at him 'd-do you-u hate m-me?' I whimper and he shakes his head 'I have no reason to hate you, I love you Con. I always have and I always will. We'll get through, I promise'. I look down at my wrist ashamed of myself and I start to pick at the scars without realizing. James lifts my chin up and kisses me on the cheek 'shall we go and get your arm cleaned up?' he asks softly and I nod slowly. 

James stands up and holds out a hand for me and I slowly reach and grab his hand. He slings an arm around my shoulders and I lean into his chest and we slowly walk to the bathroom. 

As we enter the bathroom, James gives me a sympathetic look and asks 'can I see please Con?'. I shake my head slowly and he rubs my shoulder 'please Con, I won't be mad at you'. I sigh and look down at the floor, but James lifts my head up so that I'm looking into his beautiful eyes 'I promise Con'. I sigh again and play with the ends of the sleeves my hoody and James' hands hold mine and slowly nods before slowly lifting the sleeves and I close my eyes. 

James lifts my wrist up to his lips and kisses the my wrist and I open my eyes before he says 'you'll always be perfect to me'. I smile a little and he says 'this may sting a little, ok Con?'. I nod and close my eyes before I feel cold water starting to trickle onto my wrist and I flinch and pull my arm away, holding it close to my chest. 'It'll be ok Con, trust me. It'll only sting when we wash it' James say softly and I nod slowly. As James slowly moves my wrist towards the cold water again, his other hand rubs circles on my back and I close my eyes again. 

After James had finished cleaning my cuts, he wraps it up in the towel and strokes my cheek with his free hand. I lean into his touch slowly and he asks 'would you like to go downstairs?'. I shake my head slowly 'I'm not ready for them to see these' I panic. James nods 'I understand, you can tell them when you feel like it and I will not force you to tell them. Also Brad knows about this'. I look at him worried 'how?'. James scratches the back of his neck 'he found a razor shell with no blades in them'. I look at the floor ashamed. 'Con, wheres the other blade as I took one off you?' James asks worried and I shake my head 'you can't just take them away' I whimper with my eyes beginning to water and James sighs 'you can't do this again though Con, promise me you'll talk to me if you feel like that again?'. I nod slowly 'I promise'. James pulls me into a hug and I hug him back. 

'I'll just go down and get the bandages, do you want to head to your room or something?' James asks and I nod slowly. As James hugs me, I head back to the bedroom and close the door behind me. Time to find that blade he threw. As I look around the room, I feel my hand come across something cold and I smile when I find the blade. I think I need to keep this one incase he finds the other one. I hear the door click and shove the blade in my pocket before James enters with bandages. I smile a little and he smiles 'is that a smile I saw Mr Ball?'. I blush and hide my face and James smiles 'ready for bandages?'.

Brad's POV:

I'm such an idiot, I should've talked to him before he hurt himself. God knows how many times hes done it. I rest my head in my hands and I hear a familiar voice ask me 'you ok Brad?'. I look up and smile at Tris, but my smile fades and I shake my head. Tris smiles 'its my go to give you a pep talk now'. I roll my eyes 'I know, its always me giving people pep talks recently'. Tristan laughs 'I know, especially me. Anyway, whats up?'. I scratch the back of my head wondering if I should tell Tris about this. 'What would you do if you found out someone was hurting themselves?' I whisper to Tris and he looks at me with wide eyes and I roll my eyes 'not me thats been doing it'. Tris thinks and then it clicks 'Con?'. I nod my head but hold a finger to my lips and he copies me. 'I feel really bad, I've known about this for a while and wasn't sure what to do or who to talk to and now James has found out and I don't know how many times hes done it and I feel really bad'. I take a deep breathe in and relax after the long sentence. 

Tris slings an arm over my shoulders and pulls me into a hug 'listen Brad, you should not be annoyed with yourself. You panicked, thats all. Everyone panics, its natural'. I roll my eyes 'but this is someone hurting themselves were talking about'. Tristan rolls his eyes at me 'I know, you panicked. You haven't been put in a situation where you know someone was self-harming before and now you know what to do if it happens again in the future'. I nod 'I suppose your right, but I should've told James or someone'. Tristan sighs 'take a breathe Brad, its not your fault. Your blaming yourself and you shouldn't be doing that'. I decide to change the topic 'wheres the girls?'. Tristan rolls his eyes, but understands that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

'They're outside in the garden, why?' Tristan asks and I sigh 'whats happening between you and Anastasia?'. Tristan just shakes his head 'I don't want to talk about it sorry, I've decided that she's happy so I need to try and move on'. I shake my head 'you can't just block her out forever though'. Tristan rolls his eyes 'Brad, I can't take it anymore. It's either struggle with seeing her happy single than rather be with me or just distance myself from her overtime until we just become strangers'. 'Tris, before you make a decision please think about this' I beg him and he nods slowly 'ok, I'll think about it'.