Not Good Enough (James McVey/Connor Ball - Jonnor) (1/2)

Chapter 18 - Midnight

Warning! This Chapter May Cause Triggering!

Connor's POV:

I see James leaning in to kiss me and I start to lean in too. As our lips touch, fireworks explode everywhere like its bonfire night. James' arms snake around my waist and pull me closer to him as my hands rest on his chest. Our chests are still moving in time with one and other, but at a more settled pace. Our lips are moving in sync and I cuddle into James more and more. Right now there is literally no space between us.

Our lips are still moving when another knock on the door interrupts us, we both pull apart slowly and are still looking into each other's eyes. The door knocks again and we both look towards the door and stay silent hoping they would leave us alone. The door opens anyway and we both look up to see Tristan. His eyes look a little sad. 'Guys, I just thought I'd come in and say use protection' Tristan laughs a little and I roll my eyes. 'We weren't thinking of doing that tonight' I laugh and so does James. Me and James stop laughing and James sits up a little 'are you ok Tris?'.

Tristan nods and smiles 'yep, I'm fine thanks'. James sighs 'Tris, you would tell us if something is up right?'. Tristan smiles and nods again, but then sighs 'fine, something is bothering me, but it's nothing big'. I sit up next to James and ask 'what's up Tris?'. Tristan sighs again 'I'm just hoping that tomorrow me and Anastasia can be happily in love again, seeing you 3 all in love is making me kinda jealous, Brad has Lauren and you 2 have each other. Whereas I'm just on my own right now'. James smiles 'Tris, tomorrow we all know your going to try everything you can to get Anastasia back. When you 2 hung out before, we all knew your love was going to last'.

Tristan smiles and looks down 'thanks, I really hope tomorrow goes well'. I smile at Tristan and he smiles back. 'Anyway, goodnight you 2 and remember use protection'. Me and James laugh again and James smiles 'we will, when we do it'. I lie down, laugh and blush at the same time and James notices. Tristan laughs 'see ya tomorrow'. As Tristan leaves the room, James lays back down next to me and asks 'so, where were we?'. I giggle and smile 'We were kissing'. James smiles and leans in again connecting our lips.

Tristan's POV:

I slowly head back to my room, close the door and stand in the middle of the room. Why me? I'm happy for the others, but I'm a little jealous of them. Connor is finally getting happier thanks to James and Brad seems to have found his one true love. Then there's me, Mr Tall Guy who can't have a friend thats a girl because my girlfriend thinks I'm cheating. Why can't Anastasia just understand that Luisa is just my friend. 

I flop down, belly first, onto the bed. I shout on the bed, luckily its muffled. I turn around and face the roof. Why can't life be easier?. I close my eyes and try and hold back some tears, but it doesn't work. I rub my eyes quickly trying to prevent the tears from rolling down my face. But that doesn't work either. Nothing has been going well today, I hope tomorrow is a much better day. 

Connor's POV:

Me and James pull apart from the kiss, his hair looks messy and I presume mine is too. 'That was fun' James laughs whilst breathing heavily. I nod 'it was'. I snuggle into James' side and rest my head on his bare chest. His hand comes up and starts to stroke my hair. I start to feel sleepy and James smiles 'are you tired Con?'. I smile and snuggle into his side more 'yes'. James giggles and cuddles me. 'Night night Condora' James smiles. I giggle 'Night night Jamesy'.

I close my eyes and thats when it all begins. I find myself sitting down on the edge of the bed and the sun is shinning through the window. I stand up and walk to the window and look around, its really quiet like a ghost town. I look to the bed and see that James isn't there. I walk up to the bed and inspect it, I see his phone and I pick it up. James doesn't usually leave his phone lying around. It vibrates in my hand making me jump. I drop the phone on the bed and it vibrates again signalling its a phone call. 

I slowly pick James' phone up and answer the call with a hesitant 'hello?'. 'Connor, why?' someone says down the phone. 'Connor, why?' they repeat. 'Connor?' the person asks. I start to breath heavily freaked out by the sudden turn of events. The phone goes dead, leaving the monotone beeping noise. 'Connor?' the same voice asks again. I panic and look around the room but don't see the person. The bedroom door knocks constantly at the same pace and the same voice says my name again. 

I slowly walk up to the door, freaking out at the same time. I clutch the door handle and twist it slowly. As I open the door, I come face-to-face with Joe, who has tear tracks down his face. 'Connor?' he says. I take a deep breath 'Joe?'. 'Connor?' he says again. 'Joe? Whats up?' I ask scared and he just points at me. 'Me?' I ask confused and he nods 'its all your fault'. I look at him shocked 'what did I do?'. 'Y-you pushed James over the limit with your stupid problems' Joe pushes me. 'What do you mean?' I ask scared. 'James has killed himself because all you have done is complain and complain and cry and cry about your life' Joe screams. I cry and Joe laughs maniacally 'see, your doing it again. Crying all the time, just shut up!'. Joe laughs again 'your so pathetic'. Joe starts to walk out of the room staring at me the whole time.

I wake up breathing heavily and teary eyes. I look around the room and still see that it is dark. I relax a little when I feel myself cuddled up to James. I then remember my dream, what if Joe's right. What if I am just driving James insane because I'm ugly and weird. I slowly detach myself from James and climb out of bed. The cold air hitting me, so I search for my shirt and slip it over myself. 

I slowly exit the bedroom and look both ways in the corridor, no one is awake luckily. I tip-toe down the corridor and into the bathroom. I close the door behind me and lean against it. I use my hand to lock the door so that no one walks in on me. I just need a bit of time to myself to calm down and relax again, because James loves me right? He's not pretending to love me, could he?

I slide down the door until I am sitting on the floor. I take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. I bet everything that Joe said was right. I bet if I carry on pestering James he'll end up leaving me and never wanting anything to do with me, Brad'll hate me for pestering James, Joe will kick me out of The Vamps, Dean will delete all my ugly pictures and Waddy will just tweet about me saying how horrible I am. 

My train of thought stops when I find myself staring at the sink. I start to crawl along the floor, over to the sink where I remember where something is placed. I get to the sink and I reach behind it to try and find something. I fidget around for a few seconds until my hand touches some plastic. I slowly pull it out from behind the sink and I see what I had hidden a while ago, a razor. I sit down in the middle of the bathroom floor with it in my hands. It is meant to help you feel better, well from what I've heard, I say to myself. 

I slide the plastic top off and see the top of the razor now free. I click the top off and slide both the blades out and place the plastic on the floor next to me. Only once won't hurt, right?. I turn the sharp end of the blade down so that it is pointing to my wrist and I slowly move my hand down until the blade touches my forearm. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and apply pressure. I drag it across my arm and feel my eyes begin to water. That's one for being pathetic. I get ready to make another mark, I slide it across my arm again. That's another for crying about my stupid problems. I slide it across my arm again without thinking. That's one for pestering James. I drag it across my arm once more. And that's one for being too scared to tell Joe the truth. 

I look down at my arm and notice that it is messy with 4 lines and blood droplets. My eyes widen, what have I done? I could've just talked to James to calm myself down. Wait, but then I'd be pestering him. I could've just... Wait I don't want to pester Tristan or Brad either. I shake my head, I need to stop talking to myself, its not helping me. I stand up slowly and make my way to the sink to clean up my wrist. I turn the tap on and slowly slide my hand under the ice cold water, I wince in pain but stay silent not to wake anyone. 

Once I have finished cleaning up my wrist, I decide to go to my room and find a jumper or hoody to slip on so that no one sees these. I slowly open the bathroom door and creep back to my room where I see James sitting up on the bed awake. 'Con?' he asks. My breathing picks up, if this is exactly like the dream, I might cry right now. 'You ok?' he asks and I nod. 'Yep, just nipped the loo. Now I'm freezing and I'm gonna get a hoody on' I say. Before James can ask anything, I head straight to my cupboard and get my hoody. I slip it on and sigh, I hope James doesn't find out about this. I climb into bed next to James and he lays down. I snuggle up to him and hide my face in his chest and close my eyes. 'Love you Con' he says kissing the top of my head. 'Love you Jamesy' I say. I hope he does love me and hes not making it up.