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Pancakes, Hookups, and heartbreaks

When I woke in the morning the house had a strong scent of bacon and pancakes bringing up memories of my past life. My dad and mum used to make that every weekend to make us look like a normal family. I grabbed my sweater and threw it on my small figure. Walking towards the delicious smell I came to Ashton cooking over the stove. It was just him and I in the kitchen, and I tried to get away but he turned and saw me standing there.

"Hey Shiloh want to help with breakfast?"

I nodded my head yes, not daring to speak to him in fear I would say the wrong thing and he would recognize me. I took over the pancakes making new batter and adding cinnamon and pumpkin spice to one batch. I always ate my pancakes this way, every time we had them I made my own batter, annoying my mum.

"My sister used to make her pancakes exactly like that. I still can't figure out how she disappeared so young."

I gave him a sad smile and continued to stir my batter.

"You know Irwin you could find her one day; the whole band thing gives you an advantage you can look for her all over the world."

I can't believe I actually talked to him and didn't die. I was expecting a bottomless pit to open up and swallow me whole the minute I tried to say anything to the brother I left to fend for himself. The pancakes finished as one by one our friends came down the stairs. All except Michael, he had yet to show up, and I couldn't help but feel like this was my entire fault.

"Has anyone seen Mike this morning?"

Luke's morning voice was rough it sounded hot. I ignored that thought that drifted through my head knowing it was Michael that held my heart. Though he could never claim it as his own, and that broke my already broken heart.

"He isn't feeling well it's one of those days that we probably won't see him at all. "

Calum looked briefly at me, and I'm starting to wonder if Michael told him anything. I suddenly felt sick and excused myself from the table. I ran to my bathroom throwing up the small contents in my stomach. I haven't thrown up in a while and for it to start again now breaks my heart. I flushed the toilet and brushed the flavor out of my mouth. Once all evidence of the event was erased from me I walked towards the room I knew Michael would be in. I wanted to talk to him, maybe fix the mess I started. Knocking on his door I heard the faint murmur of go away but I didn't listen. I walked into the room closing and locking the door behind me.

"Calum I said I wanted to be alone today how hard is that to understand."

He sounded irritated and broken as he turned around to face me. He was snuggled in the blankets of the bed a tear stained face and broken eyes. I walked over to him and crawled into the bed. I thanked the heavens that he was fully dressed and he even let me cuddle up to him. I was surprised in my own actions, but I didn't complain I want to comfort the broken boy.

"Why are you here?"

I hugged him tighter not knowing what to answer his question with. I don't even know why I am here.

"If you don't want me here Mikey I can just leave."

He pulled me tighter to him, almost in a death grip.

"Nope you're stuck here princess."

I laughed at his new nickname for me, and that was the last thing said between us. I could feel my thoughts on him start to change. I know I loved him more than I wanted to admit, and I know there was a very slim possibility we could end up being together. But that means breaking another promise to myself, and I don't know if I could do that. We sat in silence I could hear his heart beating fast. It was soothing and started to put me to sleep.

"What would you do if I kissed you again?"

His question caused my heart to race. The memories from last night, of me pushing him away and breaking his already fragile heart. I didn't answer his question and he took that as a go for it. Michael leaned down and kissed me gently, I didn't know what to say, but I kissed him back. Sparks flew as I forgot about all the promises I made and let myself feel love. We stopped after what felt like forever staring at each other. I saw him again the same way I saw him all those years ago, it was a childish crush, but this time it could be so more. My fantasies of love and being happy soon were clouded with the whispers of promises i made to myself. I don't need anyone, but i want him. I want Michael Gordon Clifford and not in a sexual way, i just want to be close to him, cuddle hold hands, hug, and maybe even kiss.

"Mikey I can't do this. I am too broken for anyone to love, and you don't need someone like me. You need someone strong and mentally stable. I'm none of those things, I do really care for you, but we can't do this. We can never be anything more than two people who are travelling the world together. We have to stay as close as strange-

Mikey cut me off by putting his lips against mine roughly. Our sweet kisses soon turned heated. I didn't have any idea what i was doing. Where do i put my hands? Do i want to be this undressed? Are we going to have sex? A million questions ran through my head at the speed of light. The more things we did, the closer we got one by one they all got answered. Everywhere he touched i felt sparks, my first time would be my crush from when i was twelve. I had no regrets whatsoever on anything we were doing. Him in me completing me, sent waves of agony through my body the first couple minutes, but turned to absolute pleasure. Mikey was sweet about it guessing this was my first time, and in a way I didn't want him to be sweet. We could call this a meaningless fuck if he wasn't sweet, but sweet means something. It could mean love. AFter we both finished, we were breathless, lying there cuddling in the extremely messed up bed.

"I win. Now you all must have salad the whole day!"

I heard Calum yell through the house. My face turned a burning shade of red. To know he could have been outside the door the whole time, and possibility heard everything. Please kill me.

"So what are we now?"

I looked to Mikey. His question playing in my mind. I want to be something more. I want to be with him, but I can't.

"Michael listen my past hasn't been the best. It's caused me to never trust anyone. I never loved anyone, I have made it through it this far in my life without having to ask myself the question. Do I allow someone to hold my broken heart, and do I give them the chance to hurt me more? I can't answer any question you give me because i don't know how. I wish i did. Yes I really like you, and I haven't stopped thinking about the strange boy in my literature class all these years. I just I don't know if I can."

I broke down. I know what I want, and I know what I can't get. I can never have Mikey.