When Lies Become Reality (On Hold)

Chapter 15

~Josh's P.O.V.~

What was I thinking? Why did I walk away? I just told her I wouldn't. And then I did. How mad is she going to be? I really need to clear my head. Maybe I'll stop by my house and see if I can find my mothers stash. No that was the old me. I promised myself I wouldn't do that ever again. Things are better now and I can't ruin them.

You see we're one and the same, my mother and I. I know how weird it is for me to think that seeing as I hate her. But, truth be told I hate me too. I guess I can answer my earlier questions. I wasn't thinking when I walked away. I walked away because when she admitted she still loved Jake, even though she said she wasn't in love with him, in my head she admitted that there was a chance she would leave me. I couldn't take being left again so I walked away.

I might have only been two months old when my father left but I was still a boy who had to grow up with no father. By the time I was ten my mother had left me too. When I was twelve I moved in with my grandmother on my mom's side but she died soon after and left me alone... again. Her death was too much so one day I decided to see if what Mom was doing would help.

I felt on top of the world when I would break into her stash of drugs and smoke or snort or even inject anything that looked promising. One day I found her alcohol stash and I started drinking too. I was numb to the world and at least this way I didn't hate my mom, or my dad, or miss my grandmother. The only negative thing I could feel when I was this stoned was hatred... for myself.

All this hatred started building up. I thought that the more I drank and the more I snorted the better everything would get... it only ever got worse. I was only thirteen at this time and by the time I turned fourteen I decided life wasn't worth it anymore. So on my fourteenth birthday when I had nobody to even sing me happy birthday I decided I wasn't important to the world. I decided suicide was my best option.

So the day of my fourteenth birthday I went into my mom's stash and took a little bit of everything and a 275 ml bottle of 'Vodka Cruiser'. I sat in the lawn chair on my front lawn and decided that was how it would end. It seemed like a good idea. Kill myself in the place I loved, in the weather I loved, with the only friends I had- my drugs and alcohol. Yeah the perfect plan, until I woke up very much alive in a hospital.

I dropped out of school when I was twelve so I didn't know anybody. I decided if I went to school I would find someone who would leave me there too. So when I rolled over and seen a girl who was my age in the chair next to my bed I was surprised. I asked her why she was there. She told me she had found me passed out in the front lawn and saw all the things around me. She said she knew what I was doing because she watched her own mother kill herself the same way. She told me she had promised herself she would save one person from killing themselves, and with me she did. She said she had finally felt like she did something useful in her life, and that she wasn't going to let her act go to waste. She was going to clean me up and get my life back on track. There was nothing that she loved more than a challenge and I was it

This person was my best friend Amanda. So yeah, when I started fake dating Stephanie, Amanda already knew everything. I just didn't want Jess to know. I didn't need my whole school knowing I tried to kill myself. So yeah, when I walked away from Stephanie it was because I knew I wouldn't be able to take it if she left me. I couldn't take losing someone else. Letting Amanda in was hard enough. I risk losing her everyday. But I don't love Amanda like I do Stephanie.

~Stephanie's P.O.V.~

I stand there watching his retreating back as he walked out of the hospital. Long after he had left I was staring at the empty space where he once stood. He'd just told me he wouldn't walk away! Why would he walk away?