I'm Not Okay!

Questions

We walked into the court and I looked around, all I could hear was my heart thumping feeling like is was going to burst out of my chest. I took a seat at the front and looked opposite me, My dad just smiled at me and I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

"All Rise" I heard someone say as the judge walked in, everyone stood up and the Judge sat down gesturing for everyone to sit. My heart was beating too loud and I couldn't concentrate, I saw the judge's mouth open and close but no sound came out. I saw my lawyer cough and I couldn't hear it. 'Don't faint Cassie, you can do this!' I kept telling myself, I closed my eyes and squeezed them tight. 'Calm down Cassie!' when I opened them everyone was staring at me.

"Cassie? You're up" My lawyer said, I stood up and walked over to the stand which was next to the judge, I sat down and started shaking violently. My dad's lawyer stood up and slowly walked toward's me with his hands together.

"Cassie Lee, daughter of Jessica Lee deceased and David Lee. Jessica Lee's death was quite recent and caused quite some difficulty for the family as it would any other. Some people take death as it comes and move on... Others it has a bad effect on" He walked up to me. "You have cut's on your wrists? Scars?" He asked and I nodded, he looked at the judge, "Health problems can come into the situation, such as Depression which can lead to self harming" I Swallowed hard and frowned slightly, I looked at Mikey who nodded to give me some support and I focused on the lawyer. "Have you self harmed Cassie?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"Once..." Before I could say anything else he continued talking.

"So you have self harmed, causing there to be scars on your wrists which can make you feel angry and ashamed of yourself maybe even embarrassed so you blame them on someone else. Someone very close who is vulnerable... Your father" I frowned and shook my head but didn't say anything. "Tell me how your mothers death affected you Cassie" He asked standing still observing me. I took a deep breath and tried to be confident.

"It upset me a lot, and dad. We used to be so happy when she was alive and just to know that I would never see her face again tore my heart out" I sniffed back some tears that wanted to escape, the lawyer nodded and continued asking me questions.

"How do you think it affected your father?" He asked.

"It hit him harder then me, she was his world. When she died apart of him died with her, he wouldn't... Couldn't stop drinking" I sighed.

"If it hit him hard and he was drinking, why didn't you try and get him help? Why didn't you tell someone?" He asked, I saw a smile spread across my dad's face.

"I was scared" I whispered.

"Scared? If you was scared you would of told someone so they could help and stop whatever was happening!"

"He was threatening people, I didn't want them to get hurt!" I replied feeling tears fill my eyes and I saw Mikey sob quietly

"But surely if they knew and told someone like the police then they wouldn't of gotten hurt because he would've been locked up?"

"Dad knew about these things" I replied blinking the tears away so I could see properly. I looked at him and he nodded.

"Didn't your friends think something was wrong? Seeing the scar's on your wrists, the sadness and anger you was building up inside. The bruises on your skin... Surely they would've seen them and become concerned?" He asked.

"I didn't speak to anyone, I had no friend's" I whispered blinking weakly. He raised an eyebrow and walked closer toward's me.

"So your mothers death affected your social life, no friend's... Boyfriends? So you only had your dad too speak to?"

"Yes" I replied

"So your dad played a big role in your life after the death, being there for you and himself. Speaking to one person who shares the pain is tough. You can start arguement's quickly over something stupid. You can also start blaming someone for the thing's you have done yourself. Purposely or accidentally. Maybe you're suffering hallucinations and you can't control your actions? Maybe you just need someone to blame for the death and you're ashamed of the thing's you have done to yourself!" He raised his voice.

"That's not true!" I shouted whilst tears spilled down my face.

"So you didn't cut yourself? You didn't feel ashamed of yourself whilst looking at your body and seeing what you have done"

"I FELT ASHAMED OF WHAT HE DID TO ME! I FELT ASHAMED I LET HIM DO THAT TO ME!" I screamed and the Judge stared at me.

"Calm!" He ordered and I breathed heavily. I can't do this.

"Did you ever get counselling?" He asked

"No I didn't need it"

"Did you think of getting your dad help to go to counselling?"

"I did tell him about it but he just ignored me and drank it all off"

"He drank it off? So he was drinking at the time... How much alcohol would he have a day since your mothers death?" He asked, I thought of the day's I would have to clean the beer can's up of the floor, it would take me a while...

"About 10 beer can's a day"

"10 a day? Surely he would have alcohol poisoning by now?" He asked

"I did worry about that, I looked at the cans on the floor and thought how could he still be alive? He never wanted to go to the doctors though"

"So you thought of him being dead? Did you want him to be dead?"

"His my dad, I had some times where I wished he was dead but I never meant it, I loved him but he treated me wrong"

"So you wished he was dead. You knew that too much alcohol can lead to alcohol poisoning so you let him drink the alcohol so he could die quicker"

"I never said that, I tried to stop him" I protested but he just shook his head and Looked at the judge, I looked at Mikey who gave me a thumbs up.

"That's all your honour" He said sitting down. A Security guard lead me out of the stands and I sat down next to my lawyer.

"David Lee please take you seat at the stand" I saw my dad walk to the stand and sit down, he looked at me and smirked.