[A/N Trigger Warnings! This first chapter has depressed and self-harm themes. This symbol !!! will be put where the chapter gets a bit more...explicit.]
Cold. That's how I feel, and that's what I learned to be. Throughout my 16 years of living, I've seen both the good and the bad things in life, but it's as if as soon as I turned 15 last year, everything changed. My parents used to be really caring. Now, I'm greeted with a cold brick wall. Sometimes, if it's a good day, my parents are kind to me, though it never lasts. I did love my parents in multiple points of my life, but right now, I'm not sure anymore. And I'm sure many of my classmates could relate to this, although their emotions too have been concealed by an impenetrable mask. I believe that everyone wears a mask; from teachers to students. As emotions could result to unreasonable and impulsive actions.
I wanted to change the world and make it better. I couldn't stand reading articles or watching any shows where people are treated with disrespect, because everyone deserves respect. Someone may do something bad at one point of their life, but I believe everyone is born as a good person, it's just the chain of events and situations you are in that could change you. Out of all factors that could change a person, humans are the largest and strongest factor. "People change people," Corey Matthews from Girl Meets World once said. At first I didn't really believe him as he was just an actor from a T.V. show, but as my experiences increased, I finally understood what he meant.
Sadly, I cannot influence changes in society, unlike many of the amazing people out there. I have tried and tried with all my might, but every time I'd try to do something, it would get shut down by my mother. If I'd try to reason out with her, she'd always try to find a loophole for herself just to prove she was right—even if she really wasn't. I continuously tried to understand her confusing ways, but it's as if all the reasoning in her head has been heaved out! Based on her actions, it started to look like all she cared for was herself and money. Father didn't even notice this because he was blinded by his love for her—this is the exact reason why I don't love anyone, it's a weakness.
Throughout life, I've struggled with my relationships with people. I haven't really put much thought into my struggle as I don't like to pity myself, but as I got older, I started noticing subtle to not-so-subtle changes in the way people act around me. The constant disrespect I got from my parents—well my mother—is just overwhelming. They now have become distant parents working at Sterling Tech 24/7. Whenever they're home, they walk straight into their offices and work some more. When I tried to understand why I was given the "cold-shoulder", I never got a result.
When my parents finally did manage to spend time with the family, we have an annual vacation; to put it into a nutshell, things don't go very well. For example: arguing, people getting ill, fighting, and scolding take place. One event I will always remember was our family's trip to Singapore. At first it started out okay—everyone was fine, no fighting took place. Later on in the trip, we went to Universal Studios and Lego Land, but trust me, going there was no fun at all. I wanted to have the ideal family, as I wanted things my way for a change instead of being ordered around like some robot; but oh, how that went so wrong.
It started when I offered help when we were looking for a tourist attraction, as I tried to let them know that I knew how to get there, no one listened. No One Listened. If they had listened, things would've gone differently. This story doesn't have a happy ending. Instead, when I told my mother that I wanted my ideas to be heard, she said, "Your thoughts are good-for-nothing compared to the adults'." When she said that statement, my heart broke. I don't like being ignored—especially disrespected—I believe that everyone's thoughts deserve to be heard. I was downgraded by my own mother all the time. She even blamed me for when my grandmother started crying when we accidentally left her somewhere back in Singapore. Can she even believe herself? Even back in the United States she would do this, but behind closed windows and doors of course, as she couldn't risk her "public reputation". When I retaliated one day against my mother, she brought the whip down. Literally. Well almost. She hit me with a hanger. When I was in my room, crying. I just couldn't believe what kind of a monster she had become; sure she had a harsh upbringing, but it doesn't mean that she has to treat her children with such disrespect! But that was the cruel part, my younger brother wasn't the target of her evil ways, I was. Sure he'd get the occasional scolding, but I was different. What makes this all so worse is after she yelled at me, she would walk off. Then the next time I'd see her, she'd pretend that nothing happened before and acted "nice".
I couldn't understand her! First she's nice, then she's Godzilla, then she goes all plastic. Seriously! She's just like all those parasites at school; they feed off their host, then leave them to die. It wasn't like my father was any better. At least he wouldn't hurt me physically or mentally as much. My only problem with him is that he doesn't support me enough. Sure both of my parents say they support me—and their money does too—but actions speak louder than words, and their actions are non-existent. I just couldn't handle it any more. I've endured more than my fair share of problems—it's like my parents want me to die. I've heard of 'tough love' but I'm starting to think their ways are far from it, as I've endured more than enough problems caused by my family.
Maybe I could just go to my friends or other family members to help me get through this, but no! I don't have friends or family at the moment! America and Sebastian, who were my childhood besties, were away on a vacation with their family. And it wasn't like I was super close to them; sure I'd share a secret or two, but I never was a fan of being too close to people. Maybe I am a monster. I don't feel, I don't love, I don't do anything. It's like I'm on autopilot, and my body is a robot. As I have learned to conceal my true feelings because if I don't, they will just break me.
When I was about 3 years old, I met America and Sebastian. America was the daughter of my father's best friend, Maxon, and Sebastian was the son of my mother's best friend Elle. Father and Maxon met each other when they were in high school, Father was the new kid and Maxon was the cliché know-it-all, and so naturally they got along. Mother and Aunt Elle's story was a bit different compared to Father, as Aunt Elle and Mother never really talked in college, only when they were paired together in a project. The thing I love most about America is that she is always understanding, even when she hasn't exactly gone through something I was facing at the moment. America has curly lavender hair about shoulder length, she's quite girly, and she's not afraid to stand out of a crowd—hence her hair—plus, she gives me wonderful advice about how to be positive about life. Sebastian wasn't exactly my friend at first—he was more of an acquaintance—but the more we hung out, the closer we got. Sadly, I can't get help from them at the moment, since their parents took away their phones so that their families would bond more. Though I highly doubt that any bonding would take place, just more arguing about whose sick and what to eat (based on what they've told me before). Family is family I guess...they can't do anything about it.
!!!
Thinking over my life and "friends", I came to conclusion that no one would miss me if I left them. I highly doubt anyone would notice if I were to be missing. I bet the press would most likely notice my disappearance first before my own parents—not that that's surprising. Not having too many friends and not very stable relationships with family members is kind of helpful when you want to disappear. Yeah, I did want to inherit the business and all, but it's not worth my struggle just so that I could get the business about 10 years later. With those words, I grab the razor, create a couple lines on my arm and one word: Listen. The reason why I wrote the word 'listen' on my arm is because that's all I ever wanted—I just wanted someone to listen. But I guess that was too hard of a task for many people, and so I must go. A few moments after drawing on my arms, I set the razor down and watch my blood slowly exit my veins. A couple minutes later, I noticed my line of sight was gradually decreasing, until everything was black, and I finally slipped into peaceful oblivion.
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So, this is my first chapter, I'm sorry I keep changing the story's plot and such.
P.S. photo from - http://www.nickhomedesign.com/imageres/1920x1080-extravagant-modern-minimalist-purple-white-interior-teenage-bedroom-ideas.jpg
Ciao,
Katarina
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Him.
RomanceI did nothing. I couldn't do anything but just sit here stone-faced. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. My best friend betrayed me too many times, my mother has anger issues, and I have a distant father, so why should I hold on to my s...
