Will Never Settle For A Quileute Boy

Want To Want Me

Want To Want Me

     The motivation to get out bed the next day was disturbing. I really just laid there for two whole hours, scrolling my way down my social media, trying to subside my boredom.

I told my parents about detention, and I already knew they were not happy with me, and what parent would be? I wasn't right to disrespect an adult, I own up to that. But I wasn't up for going to school. So convincing them to stay home, but promising to go to detention after school took some work. After about ten minutes of debating, I ended up back in my room, door closed and curtains covering my window. I didn't want any sunshine, I didn't want to see any wolf boys. I just wanted to be alone.

He was just looking at me with such care, and so much concern. My heart started doing a thing where it began to skip, and then race, but stopping for a millisecond before doing it all over again. Paul was my best friend, he believed that it was his duty to wipe away my tears, to mould the little pieces of my broken heart back together, and to put that smile he loved so much back on my face. Not to be kissed, conflicting our friendship.

He made me feel better over everything, for as long as I could remember. He was there through it all, and it made me realize something that made this ping feeling in my heart hurt so bad when he was around:

I concluded that maybe I was possibly falling in love with my best friend.

My thoughts had gotten the best of me because I couldn't figure anything out in the time frame of when those feelings started happening. Was it when he began having an interest in Vanessa, or the late night movie dates, the way we ate our popcorn? Maybe it was the way that smile gleamed and the way his eyes squinted with delight? The way his eyes widened when I changed up my appearance for that party, or the way he questioned my different articles of clothing throughout that weekend?

Perhaps it had been the death glare he had been giving Jared as we were leaving for our movie date last night... Yeah, I noticed.

But I thought I over did it when I pulled him down to my level and kissed him like I've been wanting to do that for a life time. But in all truth I don't know where that urge came from, so unfamiliar, and new to me, it had me staring up at him like I had no control over that whatsoever.

My wide eyes stared at him for a reaction, while his wide eyes stared at me blankly, I thought he was trying to wrap his mind around what just happened, but I couldn't have been too sure. It would be the first time in my entire life that I didn't know what was going on inside his head. But I was also scared to find out.

So I panicked.

I turned away from him and shoved myself into the passenger seat and closed the door myself. And I hurriedly pulled out my phone and gave myself a distraction, it probably wouldn't have worked but it didn't hurt to try either.

The entire car ride home had been silent, we didn't look at each other, the air had been completely still between us, and I just wanted to disappear as soon as this car was parked in Sam's driveway.  There were times where I would sneak a peek over to him, and all that was noticed were his furrowed eyebrows, and the concentrated look he had been giving the road. I didn't bother it giving a second thought about asking his opinion, because I knew it hadn't been worth it. Everything I had been doing, hadn't been worth it when I was risking my friendship with the only person who truly gave a damn about me. I just wished that I could take it all back; Jacob, Jared, the clothing transformation, and this new found confidence that seemed to be growing by the day. It was destroying me! I didn't want any of it, I was just so tired of being ignored, and being that girl that doesn't get her happily ever after. I didn't know what else to do, I was out of any legit ideas to show how important I could be. I was taking what my mom said, too far, and she was right. There was nothing wrong with changing how I looked for a night, but I went beyond that and tried to change who I was.