Will Never Settle For A Quileute Boy

Should I Change?

Should I Change?

"I just don't know what to do," I sat on one of the larger boulders with the help of Paulie lifting me up of course. I just stared down depressingly at the water, trying to somehow feel sorry for myself. But I know that I couldn't. "I don't know whether I'm a slut or ugly. Jake seems to like the very ugly girls, while everyone else seems to like the pretty, slutty girls. I just don't get it. Why am I not good enough for something like Jacob Black?"

"You're perfect just the way you are Jess, you don't need to change for anybody." Paul rested on a couple boulders down from me. Looking out, instead of down or up. He was just enjoying the view, while I was grieving it. "And Jacob's an idiot. Surely you knew that already."

I didn't want to make this a sob story, I didn't want anyone treating me with sympathy; after all, I would choose the one boy who chased after the one thing he knew he can't have. It just pissed me off that I feel completely worthless because of him. It was completely unfair.

"I just don't get it." I whispered once more as I turned away from Paul, and I let a couple of tears fall. I wasn't letting those tears define me, if I just let them out now, then I would feel stronger later. Because if I didn't, that was just weight on my shoulders that I wasn't going to want.

I couldn't let someone like Jacob define me, I just wouldn't let it happen, but how was I going to date someone, who simply liked girls like Bella Swamp? What did that say about me?

Yeah, I knew what her name was, no one was going to judge me for feeling the way that I did.

I felt like, in everything I do; to Jacob, I just couldn't win. Epsecially when I'd been dumped for nothing more than a user, and a paled skinned puffer fish. I was just hurt, and really confused.

"I just don't see why you would choose someone like Jake in the first place, we all know he isn't shit when it comes to the leech lover; but why didn't you tell any of us?" I felt his eyes peering into my back, and I couldn't help but turn around. Paul was my best friend, and I knew that I was able to tell him anything, but sometimes, the things I say, get him riled up and angry. And with that alone, I couldn't really tell him all of my problems.

And when I mean that Paul is my best friend, I don't take that lightly, I mean, when I'm not hanging out with Jake, I'm with Paul. When Jake would be sleeping his days away, Paul was always awake and over at my house, watching old-time, black and white movies. At some point my old man, caught us laying in the bed, laying upside down, watching horror films; and always wondered if it were the two of us, who were dating. And we'd just look at each other, and then burst out laughing, until one of us hit the floor. And then we'd laugh harder.

I don't think Paul and I ever, in the slightest bit imagined us being more than best friends. I don't think I could think about it now. It's just so weird.

"I know, call me stupid, or whatever you like, but Jake was sweet, and it was cute the way he asked me out, so I couldn't help but say yes. We never told you guys, because we both knew you'd all make fun of him, and I knew you'd make fun of me!" I exclaimed as Paul started laughing at me. And when he wouldn't stop, I decided to jump down onto his boulder, and punch him in his forearm, which only caused him to laugh harder.

"God, I hate you stupid wolf boys! All you do is act like nothing is wrong and nothing hurts. I wish I could be you! That way I don't have to feel anything from anybody, no remorse, and no guilt. That's it!" I shouted aloud, maybe so God can hear me. But even if he could, he could never do that little favor for dear ol' Jessica. I was just a nobody, even to him.

I jumped from rock to rock, until I was back on the sand. Paul had always been my back bone and all, but there are just some things, he just couldn't help me out with. Like boys obviously.