Lost Without A Map

            June 5, 2003

I ran away today. I guess it wasn't truly running away since I am now an adult and no one wanted me around anymore. Although I am almost 19 years old, I am so scared of being on my own. I brought all the money I have with me but I'm not sure how long it will last. I have been walking all day and now I'm writing this as I sit under a tree, waiting for darkness to cover me. I have always felt alone, ever since I was a child, but I've never felt as alone as I do now.

            June 6, 2003

Today, I am hopeful for my future. I believe that I am capable of providing for myself and finding peace. I wanted to keep this diary throughout my journey so that someday, I could pass it on to my children. First, I should probably write about what brought me to the decision to run away.

            Ever since I was a baby, I have been sad. My sorrow is like a large rock that weighs on my heart. No matter how much I try to increase my strength and throw that rock away, it weighs even heavier. No one in my life has really understood why I was always sad. Some people thought I was trying to get attention, some thought I was using my sadness to get what I want, and others thought I was crazy and my sadness was all in my head, like some sort of choice I made. I could never explain to anyone that none of those accusations were true. Last year, I was really bad. I wanted to end my life. I felt like I didn't belong on the earth anymore. I felt like I was a stepping stone, a mere piece of garbage that people wanted to drive into the ground.

            I won't go into all of the details, but to sum it up, I ended up in a mental hospital downstate. When I got back, I was no better than before I went to the hospital. The only difference was that no one trusted me anymore. I felt boxed in and trapped. It was almost like people were scared of me. Some of my friend's parents acted like I was a bad influence on their children, like my depression was contagious. That annoyed the heck out of me.

            After self harming for a year, I stopped cutting when I went to the hospital. After I got back, I started again. This time I hid it from everyone. I told everyone that I had thrown my blade away. I told my friends I was a new person. It was all a lie. Through all of my pain, there was one person who stood by my side and supported me. His name was William, William Lubomir, and I was in love with him. He had no idea, of course, until I told him.

            It all started when I was 14. I was friends with his sister and I got along with all of his family. I knew he had a girlfriend and it killed me, but I'd rather be alone then be with anyone else. He started talking to me more and when he realized how much I was struggling, he asked me to have coffee with him. I was so proud and full of love for the man who I was honored to be sitting across from at that small table in the coffee shop.

            We were never more than friends until I grew older. I had just turned 17 and my life was in turmoil. As I said before, I was depressed and ended up in the hospital. I started seeing him every week. He was the only one who understood how I felt, but knew that making a big deal about my problems would push me away. I noticed that I began to spend more time on making myself look nice. 

      He started to notice and I loved getting compliments from him. It's not that I searched for compliments, but when he told me I was beautiful I began to cry. It felt like nothing else in my life mattered. Each minute we spent together, a little piece of my sorrow melted away from my heart. Being with him was my retreat, my peace.

            The day I remember most vividly was March 20, 2003. I had packed in preparation to run away after my father told me stay away from William because, "I had absolutely no chance with him." It hurt me more than anything and I decided to run away. A couple hours later it began to rain and I became cold. I called William and he came and picked me up. We drove for hours in the rain and he didn’t notice that while we were out in the middle of nowhere, we ran out of gas. He got out of the car and looked around. There was nothing for miles so he just got back into the car. "What do you think that we should do? I don't get phone service out here." He glanced at his phone and then back at me. I looked at my hands. "Maybe we should just stay here for now until the storm has passed." He nodded at me. "I guess that's the best option right now. There are some blankets in the trunk. I'll get a bed set up for you in the back."

            I laid in the back of the car and William laid in the front. I listened to the rain pouring down on the car roof, I felt the thunder, and I saw the lightning. Time moved in slow motion and I knew I would not get much sleep.  I looked at William laying at the front of the car. "Are you awake?" He nodded his head with his eyes still closed. "Is this a good idea? For me to run away?" I hardly spoke above a whisper. William shook his head. I was so confused. "If you think it's a bad idea then why are you helping me?" He looked at me like I had missed something so obvious and important. "Because I love you more than anything." Tears pooled in my eyes and I looked away. I had no idea. I thought he just felt bad for me because my family didn't care about me. "You didn't know that?" He looked at me with such surprise that I wondered if this was all a big joke, or some sort of nightmare. "Marise, will you marry me?" William sat up and took my hand. It was all too much for me to take and I started sobbing. "Of course, William."

            The next day we got a cab to come and get us. We went to a store and bought a cheap white dress and I dress shirt and tie for William. We went to the court, signed the papers, and said our vows. I had someone in my life who actually loved me, and I loved him more than anything. I needed to get a job, he needed to get a job, and we had to find a house. I suddenly became overwhelmed with all these new realizations. William saw my worry and took my hand. When I looked in his eyes, I knew everything would be alright.