Lost Without A Map

Chapter 10

July 20, 2003

I painted my house today. It was a very quiet day and all I heard were my thoughts. I realized how little I knew about anything. I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. I cant work at a grocery store my whole life. Or can I? What is my true style in clothes and make up? What kind of person am I? I cannot answer these questions and it is angering. I want to be confident and sure of the woman that I am. I want people to notice characteristics about me that are good and loving. I just don't know how to show that. My parents told me that they punished me because they love me but I cant punish others, so how do I show that I love them? How could I spend my life devoted to loving William if I don't even know how to love myself? 

These thoughts and questions ran through my mind continuously until I just shoved them out of my head with my blade. I know I need to stop cutting but I cant. I fail at everything so I don't see why I should even try. I feel so alone. Ethan and Allie have each other and I know Allie would miss me but she would be alright without me. I have no one.  William will soon forget about me and so will my parents. I am just a ghost in a sea of clearly painted faces. Everyone around me seems to have it figured out. They try and tell me what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do differently but I don't want to be like everyone else. 

I'm not sure what else to say. It is so late at night and I know I should go to bed. I can't stop crying and I can hardly put air into my weary lungs. I am not sure why I am even trying to breathe. My body is aching and I am just so tired. Maybe tonight will be my last. Maybe I will never wake up. I hope it is. 

July 31, 2003

I just want it all to end. I don't even know what all happened but I will write what I remember.

I was laying in bed with tears pooling in my eyes. "Please, just let me die" I whispered into the darkness. I picked up the sharpest blade and laid it horizontally on my arm. I knew that if I cut it right I would bleed out. It would be so easy and it would all be over. But one thing stayed in my mind. "If you kill yourself, you will burn in hell for eternity" I wasnt sure if it was true but I am so scared that it will be true and I dont want to burn for all eternity. Anger burned inside me for the things my parents said about suicide. They said it was cowardly and stupid. They have no idea. 

Im not sure how I got in this state or how I became so sick. Allie came to my house because she hadn't heard from me in awhile. She had a friend with her, Iris. Allie stayed by my side while Iris ran to get help. They told me that they found me on the floor. I was awake but delirious and I was completely covered in deep cuts. Iris got Ethan and they started driving to my work and to bring the car to my house. They were going to explain to my manager and then take me to the hospital. Ethan talked to my manager while Allie drove me. Iris was screaming the whole time and Allie was driving like a bat out of hell. I couldnt remember what happened. I couldnt remember how much time had passed or what day it was. I just know that I have been in the hospital and I can hardly write in this journal. My hand is shaking and my head feels like a cement block on my shoulders. 

I am still weak and I still don't know what happened. I can't be awake for long. I get tired very fast. Allie and Iris havent left my side. They did bring me some nasty hospital food though, with a cookie that was supposed to be batman themed but it looked more like a galactic turd. I loved my friends but I hate feeling like such a burden.

August 2, 2003

Im still in the hospital and I still have wires and needles hooked up all over me. The doctors told me that I had overdosed and also lost an enormous amount of blood. They have me all bandaged up and they are giving me clean blood. I have 400 stitches covering my body. They said I will always have dark scars but it was good that Allie found me when she did or it would've been too late to stitch me up. Im still so tired and I have never felt more useless. Im going to go back to sleep. I will write more when I get the chance.

August 4, 2003

I woke up this morning and saw the most amazing thing. William sat next to the hospital bed with his hand on mine. He said that Allie had read one of my entries that I had torn out and thrown on the ground of my house. It was crumpled up but it had Williams phone number on it. She called him and he came right away. He told his family that he was going to visit a college. He didnt tell them where and he said that my parents dont even know he left. William wont stop crying and it is breaking my heart. All he has ever done is helped me. He wiped away my tears and now I was the one making him shed his own. I told him I was sorry. I told him he didnt have to stay. He shook his head and took a small ring out of his pocket. He put it on my finger and smiled at me. It was in that moment when I knew what love was. I saw it in his eyes and I felt it in my heart. Everything else stopped. I didnt hear any of the hallway noise or the beeping hospital machines. My heart swelled up and I felt complete. Although my heart is still shattered in pieces because of my past, when he looked at me, and I saw love in his eyes, a tiny piece of my heart was put back together. It was just a tiny piece but no one had ever put pieces back together, only broken them apart. William is different and he makes me want to keep breathing.

I will always love him