Lost Without A Map

Chapter 4

June 16th, 2003

I am so scared. I have been trying to follow the map to this town and I can't find the roads that the map is showing. I have been walking for two days and I still don't have any idea where I am. I haven't even seen a town for miles. I'm just hungry, tired, and I'm feeling discouraged. I can't help but wonder if William has recieved my letter yet. I am continually worrying that somehow my parents will find me. I just have to keep walking. They can't find me if even I don't know where I am.

June 17th, 2003

I found a town last night. It is a bigger one but it was able to eat and sleep so that I have the strength to head out today. I think that I will ask someone here for directions. I can't help but wonder if my parents told the police I was gone. Then my face would be all over the news. If someone recognized me then they would send me right back home. I think I need to change my look like they do in the movies.

I couldn't fall alseep last night even though I was exhausted. I was tortured by the thoughts that plagued my mind. I just really hate myself sometimes. Actually, almost all of the time. So, just like I deal with everything else, I cut again. Now my legs are torn up, bloody, and hurt like hell. I'm trying not to limp when I walk, but if I walk normally then my jeans will make the cuts bleed more. Since I don't have any bandages the blood will just seep through my jeans and I will either look like a murderer or a butcher. Some classify that as the same thing, but that is a subject for another time.

I'm writing this in a cafe because it is warm in here but I feel like everyone is staring at me. Their eyes are burning my skin and pressing on my temples, giving me a headache. I don't know if I'm paranoid or if everyone truly does want to kill me. There is a young man sitting two tables down from me and honestly, he is making me a little nervous. I've already caught him staring several times. I think I need to leave.

June 18th, 2003

I think some people in the cafe know who I am now. I really need to change my look. I don't even know how to change how I look. Everyone always does something with their hair but I already have super short hair. I am trying to figure something out. I will write more tonight.

(Later)

I dyed my hair purple! Yes, purple! It actually looks cool. I bought some make up. I usually don't wear any make up so I thought maybe if I give myself a whole new look then maybe people will be less likely to notice me. I am actually pretty excited about pretending to be someone I'm not.

June 19th, 2003

Holy. Crap. I have no idea who I just saw in the mirror. I know it was supposed to be me but it didn't look anything like me. Let me just describe what I looked like yesterday. I had a short bob that was darker blonde, more brown I guess. I had no make up on, I wore glasses, and I wore winter clothes that made me look twelve. Today, I have a purple pixie cut, heavy eyeliner with black eye shadow and red lipstick, no glasses, and I was able to find a couple articles of clothing at a second hand store. I am wearing tight black skinny jeans, my knee high leather boots, a bright blue tank top with a leather jacket. I still kept my vintage style winter clothing but I have to admit that am I very fond of my new look.

I need to get a new identity. I have no idea how to do this. I feel very overwhelmed. What have I gotten myself into? It's illegal to make a fake I.D., right? I need to find someone who will do it for me. The only place I can think of that would have people that make fake I.D.s would be at a highschool. I can't just waltz in and ask some teenager to break the law for me, can I? This is such a bad idea but I really have no other choice right now.

June 20th, 2003

No. High school was a bad place to go for illegal help. Police were swarming around the large brick building like they were preparing themselves for some sort of school parade. I left feeling quite discouraged but I really needed a new I.D.

I found a library near to the school. I am googling how to make one myself. I don't think I can do this...

Well, maybe I do have some luck. I was sitting at the library computer, completely oblivious to the fact that other people could see my searches. I heard a voice behind me. "I'll get you one by tomorrow for $50.00. I turned around to see a college aged girl. I smiled and gave her the picture I had brought from home of myself so I could use it in an I.D. She told me to meet her back here tomorrow!

I'm going to get my new identity! Say hello to the new me. Nysa Renee.