Lost Without A Map

Chapter 6

June 26, 2003

I had a very rough night last night. I had a panic attack and then after it was done I went into a dark depression for hours. I had no sleep because I spent the whole night crying. I wish I was a different person, a different woman. I think I should get out and look around the town, meet people, find out where everything is. Right now, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and bury myself in my bed. To hide away from the world, to keep myself from facing the reality of my life, my existence. More than anything, I miss William. He is so far away and I left him. I left him for my own selfish endevours and I hate myself every second of every day for that. I wonder if he got the letter I sent him. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he still loves me.

June 27, 2003

I start work today. I woke up extra early just because I felt like I should. I am so nervous that I will mess up and make a fool of myself. What if people think I'm weird and don't belong in their quaint little town? I annoy myself to death with my uncontrolable worrying! I know that everything will be fine yet I'm still sick with fear. It's time for me to go now. I will write tonight and tell you how it went.

Well, my first day of work is over and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I just stood at a counter and scanned customer's items and took their money. I actually kind of liked it. They are giving me plenty of hours. Im already on the schedule everyday this week and my manager said that I will be busy like that for awhile. Hopefully I can save up some of my money and get my own little house or apartment. I'm really tired from work so I am going to head to bed.

June 30, 2003

I haven't written in a couple days because I've been working so much and I've been exhausted when I get home. I am making good money already though. I think in a couple of weeks I will be able to start renting an apartment. I am quite excited for that. I feel like I'm making my own decisions and being who I want to be, not who my parents want me to be.

Since my life is really repetitive at this point and I don't have much to tell you about other than stories of grumpy customers and messy aisles, I will start writing more about what happened to get me to the point of running away. I will tell you more about my parents and what my life was like growing up. I'm sorry if you find it boring but I haven't made any friends yet and so I have no one to talk to. I've been so lonely.

July 3, 2003

I can't believe that it is already July. I am starting to become a little homesick. Not for my family, or even the town. I just miss William. I miss him so much that it hurts. My heart aches from being so far from him and I can only hope he feels the same. I wish I could have him be here with me. I wish he could be here to tell me that he was proud of me, that he loves me, that he thinks I'm brave. But he is not here, and I am not there, and I am not brave. It's all just my ridiculous dreaming, I suppose..