At Midnight

Chapter 29

My pillow was wet when I woke up. My eyes were puffy and it was a chore to keep them open, my eyelids were saggy and it was too painful to even blink. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and never wake up but I felt the need to check up on Ashton.

I glanced at the clock and realized that it was one in the morning. I had slept for four hours straight without waking up. I wished I had slept forever without waking up at all.

I wondered if he had already gone home since it was in the early hours of the morning but he was unpredictable so just to make sure, I slipped downstairs to check on the house.

The only thing illuminating the living room was a dim tableside lamp near the couch. I walked over to the table to switch offed the light but of course dear Ashton had passed out on the couch. His head was resting on the arm of the furniture and he was sprawled on it.

It looked like he did a little crying himself. Exhaustion and worry etched his worn out face. Soft snores escaped from his mouth but even they sounded as if they were in pain. I heard from Dr Martin that no matter what happened, whenever someone was sleeping, they'd look peaceful and maybe innocent, even. Guessed he was wrong.

I felt my chest tighten at the sight of him. I sighed and grabbed an extra blanket and pillow from my room. I climbed down the stairs again and gently lifted his head from the arm of the couch and placed it gently on the pillow, careful not to wake him up although I doubted that would ever happen judging by the state that he was in. Then, I draped the blanket over him, making sure that it covered his feet, which often got cold. He told me that he couldn't sleep well if his feet weren't covered with something warm.

Just as I was about to leave, I was halted to a stop when he grabbed hold of my wrist. I looked at our arms. " Before you go back to bed," he mumbled groggily and incoherently, in a deep voice, " I love you okay." I could smell the strong stench of alcohol in his breath.

His eyes were still shut and I wasn't sure if he was dreaming or if I was dreaming. He let go of my hand and it fell to the side. Not knowing what to say, I turned on my heels and went to my room.

My mind was conjuring up all sorts of scenarios. I ransacked my drawer for the bottle of sleeping pills I hid but I couldn't find it anywhere. My guess was that Ashton had probably found them and threw them away. What a prick.

I buried my face into my pillows and forced myself to sleep. I tossed and turned in bed but I was still wide-awake. I gave up eventually. I pulled on my hoodie and went to sit on the swing in my front yard.

Every time I sat on that goddamned swing, I would be reminded of the first time Ashton talked to me and how awkward it was. Maybe I shouldn't have let him in that day or even offered him a cigarette. Then maybe we wouldn't have became friends and all of this would have never happened. And I would have succeeded.

I lit a cigarette and puffed it. The memories take me back to that night at the party and my heart sank, remembering that Ashton had known this would have happened, that this day would have come sooner or later. He knew all along, ever since we became friends. If that was the case, why didn't he leave?

The rickety swing rocked back and forth as extra weight was added to it. It creaked nosily and I almost thought that it was going to fall apart (Ha, that uncanny resemblance to my life).

" It's freezing. You should go back in." I said nonchalantly.

" Nah, I'll stay here with you." Ashton shrugged and took the cigarette from my fingers, taking a puff himself. I raised my eyebrows in shock. That boy had never smoked in his entire life and if he were the president, he would shut down all smoking industries.

" I fucked you up pretty badly huh." I mumbled to myself.

It wasn't meant for him to hear it but I had forgotten the fact that he had supersonic hearing. " It's a pleasure. You're the only one who can do that and I wouldn't mind. " He smiled vaguely and handed the cigarette back to me.

" Shit, that thing is horrible. And now my life would be devoted to treat my lung cancer." He said in a weak attempt to brighten up the mood but I just stared out at the empty road.

" You shouldn't bottle everything up okay. It's not good; it'll only lead to more destruction. Maybe you can share with me? I might not understand but at least I'll listen."

" Why do you care so much?" I asked.

" Because I love you." He looked at me intently.

Guilt tugged at the sleeves of my hoodie and I felt obliged to try to make him feel better about himself. I knew he felt as shitty as I did. Or maybe even worse. He deserved to know, anyway, after putting him through all that bullshit.

" You're lying. Nobody loves a broken girl." I said. " I've never wanted any of this you know. I've never asked to be brought into this world. I don't know why okay, I don't know why I'm so different and weird and stupid and useless. I don't know why I'm not like you guys. I just want this to end. I can't keep on doing this anymore. I'm just so fucking tired and sick of all of this."

I took another drag to calm me down. " I'm so used to it. It's addictive and I feel guilty for feeling happy. And I feel the walls closing in on me all the time. I can't breathe and I feel so emotionally and physically drained. I feel so fucking claustrophobic."

He looked at me painfully. " This is how I feel. Every minute of every day. Next time, don't stop me." I said.

" I want to help you, Mia. I can't just sit back and watch the girl I love self-destruct. It hurts me to see you sad."

" Stop saying you love me." I sighed.

" But I do. I do love you. Why can't you see that? I can't live with myself if you did. I want to help you. Name anything and I'll do it. As long as it will make you happy, I'll do it. You want me to smoke; I'll smoke the whole damn pack in a day. You want me to steal a diamond for you, I'll steal everything in the whole fucking jewelry store." He paused and then took a deep breath in before continuing.

" There's so many things, so many reasons why I'm so fucking in love with you. You're the entire universe. You're luminous and outstanding. You keep every star in place and without you they would be nothing. I would be nothing. I don't ever want to be in a world without you. " His voice shook a little as he spoke.

I would've believed him but I didn't.