Beautiful Things - Solangelo

9. Holy shit, I give up

(Nico's POV)

I think I should have pulled away.
At least after a while. Not that I wanted to, but I should have.
Because I should stay away from people, especially Will.
But I didn't want to pull away, I wanted to kiss Will and we didn't stop, because there was no reason to.
It's getting bright now, the sun is rising. We sat here for hours.

Now I do pull away, because now it's day and in the dark it was so easy; easy to kiss Will and easy to feel his lips and his breath, easy to feel him, to have my hands in his blond curls and on his wonderful shoulders and to kiss him and let him kiss me, but now there aren't millions of stars on the sky, just the sun.

We look at each other, for the first time in hours, I think.

'We're going to be late for school.' that's stupid, we both know that I don't care. Will does probably, though.
'Yes, but on the upside, we're probably to tired anyway.'
'You just want to skip?' I shouldn't smirk, Will should go to school, he shouldn't get in trouble, not because of me, because that's exactly what is going to happen.
'I think I want breakfast.'

We get up, our muscles cold from sitting on the stones for so long and walk back to the car.
I think Will wants to take my hand and I'm pretty sure I would like him to, but what if this all was a really bad idea?

I mean, I know it was. It still is. Was the whole time. Everything. To take him here, to talk to him and to kiss him.
Horrible idea. I really should stay away from him, for his own good. And also for my own good.

The thing is just, it felt so real. Alive.
Like nothing else, more than everything else. It felt right, it was beautiful and at the same time sad and painful and I want to cry and laugh, just like Will described it. Loving, really, completely.

Maybe I'm just very tired. I don't want to need Will.
Not again. Because I'm going to lose him in one way or another, because that's what always happens.
The people you need like air leave you and you have to learn breathing all over again.

We're at the car and get in. I guess I'm to tired to drive, but the streets are pretty empty, so it doesn't bother anyone and I manage it not to crash in a tree (barely. I would have to hate myself if Will would die because of me)
Before we reach the actual town we see a McDonald's, so I stop there and we have breakfast and coffee.
'Thanks for - you know, taking me there.' Will really can't shut up. That's a good excuse for kissing him for hours, he wouldn't have stopped talking otherwise.
But I don't really mind, I like listening to him. I shouldn't think like that, I shouldn't need him.
'Something beautiful, right?' my voice sounds tired. His too. But not as much anymore 'You are beautiful'
'Solace, I haven't slept in hours and right now we have breakfast in a McDonald's, I'm for sure not beautiful.'
'You are.' the way he says it you would almost believe him.

Unfortunately I can't say the same about him, he looks like trash. Attractive trash I guess, but still like someone who got out of bed and then sat on a stone for hours. He has a leaf in his hair.
I would get it out, but therefore I would have to touch his hair and I don't think that I could put my hand away then and...
Well, I already had the opportunity to get 'make out with someone in an almost empty McDonald's' from my to do list.

When we're ready we leave and I drive Will to his house
'I totally forgot.'
'What?'
'My parents. Shit. I'm doomed. I'm probably never going to leave the house again.'
'Maybe this would be better.' I mean it, really. But Will looks so sad. I squeeze his hand for a second and he smiles at me, then he gets out of the car and I drive home.

That's, at least, something I don't have to worry about.
My father isn't interested at all in wether I do what I'm supposed to do or not.
I sigh.

My father isn't home yet, or not anymore, I can't really tell.
I walk upstairs to my room and fall asleep immediately. I really should sleep more, it's so great.
Numb like everything else, but comfortable and warm, at least when there are no nightmares.
At the beginning - after my mom and my sister died and we moved away - I had many nightmares, woke up screaming nearly every night and then cried myself back to sleep.

After we moved here it got better. Everything got better.
My father stopped talking to me at all, he is barely home, always busy, but that's better than when he was always around, angry and bitter, always crying or yelling or just sitting there and looking at the walls for hours.
In the beginning I felt sorry for him, the first months I really did. I was sad and angry too and it seemed so understandable.
That he was crying and drinking and didn't move. Then he started to break furniture, and it was okay, I would have liked to as well. Then he started breaking my bones, and how could I be angry at him? He was sad, I was too, and we both had no one to talk to.

At some point I started to understand that this is not how it should work.
So I stopped crying at all. Everything. Feeling anything.
I hoped he would to, but he didn't, so I stayed away from him as far as I could.
Then we moved here and now he's never home and it's like he doesn't really notice me, even look at me.

I sleep almost the whole day and then the whole night and then I go back to school.
It's Friday, so soon will be weekend. That's okay. Or probably not. I don't know, I don't know what to do about Will.
I should stay away from him, but I don't want to and in the last years I learnt that it's the easiest to just take whatever you want.
And I could, I know I could have him, him and everyone else.

But not forever.

I kinda like walking through our school.
Because here it's so different. Because people look at me and I know they won't laugh about me because I'm Nico di Angelo and I could have them all.

But then I enter the classroom and Will is already there.
I sit down. If it wouldn't be Will this would be fun. But it is Will and he's to... I don't know.
I like him to much.
'Hi.' And he smiles to much.
'Hi.'
I ignore him for the rest of the day. Damn it, I don't want to be mean, but if he decides to stay away from me it would solve most of my problems.
Or probably it wouldn't, probably everything would get worse, but at least it wouldn't be all my decision.
But he looks so sad, how can he have only two facial expressions, ridiculously smiling or sad like it would be the end of the world.

'Have I done something wrong?'
I would love to tell him to stop looking so sad.
'No. Really.' He still looks sad.

Holy hell, I give up. I already have anyway.
'Later, okay?'