Don't You Trust Me?

Chapter 15- "Rat", or "Genius"?

The cool brushed metal of the doorknob felt secure and ominous all at once under my hand as I paused in the doorway on my way to work the next morning. I hadn't slept very well at all, tossing and turning and jolting awake several times just to run to the window and thrash the curtains out of the way, petrified that Sebastian would be there with that evil, smug smirk on his face. Honestly, I had wanted nothing more than to call Jax and beg for him to come home. But I couldn't do that. I almost picked up the phone just to hear his voice and tell him I was scared, that I just needed his voice with me to protect me, but then he'd ask why I was scared. He wouldn't be able to leave me alone if he knew- so I couldn't do that either. Nathaniel needs him more than I do. Zoe needs him more than I do. And that's a lot, apparently.

When I was speeding home last night, I had gotten a call from Jax. My throat closing a bit and stomach exploding in a flurry of feathery butterfly wings, I answered to a terse, strained sounding deep, gravelly voice. Jax told me that Zoe and Nathaniel had fought. The tears finally spilling in front of Nathaniel after holding them back for so many hours, she had been unable to keep her hurt in when he had just offered to make her a smoothie. Once the floodgates had broken, she fell apart. Nathaniel tried to cool her down, to talk it out and apologize, but she had just escalated. Jax said he was dragging Nathaniel out of town for a day or two so Zoe can get some space and think in the comfort of her own home.

"Why should she have to leave? You two stay here. Help her heal. Talk about girl stuff. Throw darts at Natty's face, trash his room, call to the womanish spirits, protectors of those whom have been scorned and harmed, or whatever you amazing ladies do. Seance, tai chi, double chocolate fudge ice cream and The Notebook- take all the time you need. I promise I'll keep in touch, so just let me know when it's safe to come home? I can set Nathaniel up at my place for longer though, when we get back into town, if that would work better?" He insistently urged. I had closed my eyes and set my forehead against the steering wheel at a red light, letting his voice be the only thing I focused on. My heart began to calm down.

Making to speak, I opened my mouth but was rudely shaken awake from my comforting little bubble by a sharp, staccato honk. The light had changed green and the person behind me was impatiently waving at me, muttering. I took off, changing lanes and letting them speed by me. Jax took my silence as fear, somewhat correctly, and urged. "But you have to give me your word you'll call in sick while I'm gone at the office, okay? Without Nathaniel or me just a four minute drive away if anything went wrong, it's way too dangerous to be in there. Is that fair?"

"Jax, everything's fine at the office. There's no need to..." My lie had evaporated on my tongue, slithering away into mist as it hit my lips. I pulled into the driveway and shut off my car, frozen once I caught sight of myself in the rearview mirror. Those green eyes can't try to convince Jax of the truth of some vicious lies. That smile can't try and disarm him, urge him not to worry when there is real danger lurking just around the corner. These arms can't hug away his pain for right now, just to usher in much more pain if anything was to happen to me. Jax trusts me. He's let me in. If nothing more than a friend, he loves me. Is he in love with you though?

My vicious mind utters gently under its breath, barely audible in my own head, but once the worry is there, the nagging never stops. This thought has been prickling at the frayed corners of my mind for as long as I've fallen for Jax. For a better part of over three years, I've had to shush this nagging worry that haphazardly swarms around my thoughts and stings whenever it can, like a drunken wasp. I shut it down as quickly as possible, accepting truth. I don't know yet. But will I ever know if something happens to me? At this point, keeping this to myself isn't heroic. It's stupid. It's dangerous. It's selfish.

Zoe's worried face appeared in the window and I waved to her, getting out of the car and grabbing my stuff. I paused with my hand on the door of the car, searching for the right words. Jax cut in, uneasy with the long silence, "Are you still there? Is everything okay?"