The Queen of pain (Anakin Skywalker Story)

Insecure safety

Hernan fall back, and as he died, i felt like part of me was killed too. I didnt understand it. After everything he had done to me, i should have hated him, but i felt nothing.
The light saber fall out of my hand, and my knees became so weak that i was not able to stand up.
Anakin knelt down next to me and i looked into his eyes.
'Are you all right?' He asked and i shook my head. Nothing felt all right, even if i killed the man who raped me. My hands started to shake, and Ani pulled me closer to him. 'Come here, my dear!' He hugged me, but as i felt his arms around me, and his warmth, the feeling i used to love so much became unpleasant. I didnt like being that close to him, but i was scared to push him away, even if i knew that my fear was unrdasonable.
Slowly my whole body started to shake, and as i tryed to stop it, it just became worse.
'Calm down, Szuzanna, its over!' He said, and i tryed to breath slowly, but it was not easy.
We were there for a while, without a word, until i finally felt enough secure to stend up with the help of Anakin. I couldnt look at Hernans dead body, i couldnt take the sight of it.
'Lets go home, Szuzanna! You should still be in bad!' I nooded, but couldnt bring myself to speak. We went back with his speeder, and i walked back to my hospital room for my stuffes, while Anakin was talking to my doctor.
The room was cool from the air that broke in. I stepped to the hole, that remained in the place of the window. As i looked out, i saw the bright city around and under me. It was too mechanic, u could never find it beautiful. I breathed in slowly, and i felt more uneasy than ever before.
It was over. The part of my life that way ruled by my feelings for Hernan, was over for ever.
It was the goal of my life, to kill him, but now? What can i do with my life now? What will i live for?
You can live for me now, and for your future! Said my doughter, first time i woke up at the hospital. And finally you can forget the hate and the pain you went through.
'Where were you? You werent talking to me!'
I was too tyred, and you too. I didnt want to disturb you!
'You are my doughter, you are not disturbing me.'
Why dont you give me a name?
'A name? All right...than...Hope. I will call you Hope!'
Thank you mum! Why are you still so scared?
'I dont know, Hope! Maybe because of what he said to me about the prophecy. Was it true?'
That you are the Ghean Dehr? Yes, he was right, but it cant explain the way he treated with you! I took a deep breath.
'Its crazy! I wont be the Queen of Caracusa! I hate Seaara!'
Never say never, mum! You dont know where your future will take you!
'I hope that not to the Caracusa! It would be the greatest failure of my whole life!'
Calm down and concentrate! Anakin is talking to you!
'What?' I said out loud, i was on the ground again. Ani was watching me with worryed eyes.
'Are you here?' He asked, mooving his hand in front of my eyes.
'Yes, sorry! What did you say?'
'I just said that i had asked the doctor about you, and he said that you can sleep in my room, because its safer.'
'Safer? But i am not in danger anymore!'
'But nobody knows that you killed Hernan! We cant tell the Council!' I nooded. He was right, a jedi is not allowed to kill for revange.
'I forget about it, thank you!' He smiled.
'For you, i would do everything in this world! Come on, you should really be in bad now!' I nooded, but i didnt really like the idea of sleeping with him at night. I still loved him, but i didnt want to sleep with him. Not yet. I wasnt scared of him, of course, it was not fear, but i was uncomfortable around him. I wanted to be alone for a while, but i couldnt tell him. How could i?
We walked to his room, where i spent a lot of time before, but now, it felt strange. I felt like i cant find my place there again.
'Is something wrong?' He asked after i was standing in one place for a while, in the middle of the room. I shook my head. How could i tell him?
'I am fine!'
'What are you thinking about?' I looked into his eyes, and i wandered why was it so hard to talk about it. He was my friend.
'I just feel strange. Now, that Hernan is dead, and after what he said, i.....'
'You are insecury.'
'Yes, i am. More insecure than i was when i was locked into the cellar.' He placed his hands onto my shoulders.
'Its just temporary, dont worry! Give yourself a little time, and everything will be normal again!' I laughed at this.
'Normal? When was my life normal, Anakin?' I asked. 'Never, and it never will be!'
'Szuzanna, dont say that! Please, have faith in yourself!'
'I believe in myself, Ani. The fact that i am still alieve prooves me that i am not week, but what can i do with my life now? With this prophecy behind me?'
'You can forget about the prophecy, and continue your life as it was before. ' But what if i dont want to? What if i want to change everything? 'You can be a jedi knight, a polician, maybe. You solved the problem at Uftarius really well.' I nooded.
'Maybe. But i would need the force!'
'The force is still with you, i can feel it! You are a jedi, nobody can take it away from you!'

I went to the bathroom to change into my nightgown, and as i looked into the mirror, i saw my thin body for the first time since i was rescued. I looked horryble. I was thin, my bones were sticking out as if i was anorexic, and i was covered with bruises and cuts. I turned around to see my back in the mirror. It was worse than i imagined, and i couldnt help, but think back to the time when Hernan was beating me with his belt. I felt as tears started to fall down on my face, just when Anakin opened the bathroom door. I quickly brushed away my tears and turned away, but i couldnt hide my tears and my back at the same time.
'Oh my dear!' He whispered in terror, and i faced the mirror again.
'He was beating me with his belt, than covered the scars with salt. ' i said coldly. 'And i still didnt want to kill him.' He touched my bare shoulder, and it made me feel sick. The touch of his skin didnt feel right, as it used to feel.
'You can tell me if you dont want me to touch you! I can understand it!' He said, surprising me, and removed his hand from me.
'Ani, its not...'
'Shh! You dont need to explain anything to me! I know that its hard, even if i cant even imagine what you went through! But you should know that i am here for you every time you need me!' I nooded, with warmness in my hear.
'Thank you so much! It means me a lot that you are with me! I missed you so much!' I stepped closer to him and wrapped my left arm around his waist, and burryed my face into his chest. He hugged me carefully, not to cause me pain, and he was playing with my hair.
'I missed you too, Szuzanna! I couldnt hug anyone in this way!'  I smiled. 'But you have to start eating! You are so lost in my arms!' He was right. He was always much taller and bigger than me, but now, i felt like a small child with him, and part of me didnt like it. I felt so naked and week.
'All right! I am going to sleep! What will you do today?' I asked.
'I will talk to Joda about my dreams.'
'About your dreams?'
'My dreams with Padme. It just wouldnt stop!' I nooded.
'I am sorry! Can i help you somehow?' He shook his head.
'No, i am afraid you cant! Can i leave you alone? Would you mind it?'
'No, of course! I will be sleeping anyways, wake me up when you come back!' He nooded and helped me to lay down, than kissed my forhead.
'Good night!'
He left, and i finally stayed alone, but not totally alone.
He loves you very much! Said Hope, and i closed my tyred eyes.
'Yes, i know it.'
But you love him more than a friend.
'You are right, but it doesnt matter!'
Why?
'Because he has a wife, and she is my friend too!'
I understand, and i am sorry! When will you tell him?
'What?'
That you are pregnant with me! It was another thing that i was worryed about.
'I dont know, a jedi cant have children! The Council will expell me from the jedi order!'
And you dont want to loose him, am i righ?
'Of course you are! But i will tell him sooner or later, and we will see! Maybe the Council will be nice to me, because of what happened.'
And what if they will want you to abort me?
'Nothing. I wont do it.'
Not even for Anakin?
'No.'
She didnt say anything, and i slowly fall asleep.