It was my final night in hospital after the attack. The doctors felt it was necessary to keep me in for 3 nights just to keep an eye on me and give me a few doses of blood because of the amount I lost. Although I was physically alright, I started feeling mentally really sad. I had no idea why and it confused me but I felt angry, annoyed and like I wanted to burst out crying. Whenever anyone came into visit, I would put a brave face on and act like I was recovering well from the attack. But deep down I was suffering.
I slept awfully that night. I kept waking up in a panic. Seeing the huge jaws of the shark. Feeling the pain of it biting down hard. I would wake up screaming and in a sweat. Cody stayed with me that night and would stroke my head to calm me down when I panicked. He would whisper "it's okay, you're safe. It's just a memory now". He was amazing at calming me down and would give me his protective hug again to help me.
I returned back to our villa at around 11:30 the following morning. The doctors felt it was safe for me to go home. I felt fine physically apart from having crutches and a plaster cast; but I still felt awful mentally. I didn't know why but I kept thinking I shouldn't be here. The shark should have killed me. I'm not meant to be alive. I don't deserve to be here.
We spent the afternoon on the beach and had some lunch. I sat in the shade - didn't want to be getting a weird pale patch where my cast was.
"Cody, I honestly don't mind if you want to sit in the sun or go surfing. I'm not here to ruin your holiday!"
"I'm not going to leave you. Plus I love getting some quality alone time with you. I love talking to you"
"Aww thank you. I don't deserve you"
"Don't think like that Lil, of course you do! If anything, I don't deserve you!"
I giggled and blushed, trying not to let Cody see.
"Hey, I spoke to my parents, Sophie and Mike and they all agreed it was okay if we share a bedroom. I told them I was worried about you waking up in a panic during the night and I didn't mind waking up to calm you down"
"Really? Are you sure? Like you don't have to! I'm starting to get used to it"
"Of course! I want to be able to calm you down. What are boyfriends for?"
"They're for loving and being able to kiss whenever you want"
I leant over and gave him a peck on the lips.
"So I guess this means I can kiss you whenever I want?"
"Yeah I guess"
He leant over and kissed me on the lips but more with more passion and less cheek than I had shown him. I was slightly dazed after that and couldn't help but smile uncontrollably.
At around 8:00 we all had a barbecue which Mike and Brad cooked while the rest of us sat round a table on the beach just outside our villa. I sat next to Cody and Hannah. Hannah sat next to Alex, Alex sat next to Toby and Toby sat next to Jake. Hannah and Jake were a little upset to be separated but they texted each other most of the meal and Jake kept winking at Hannah and giving her cute looks. Hannah blushed pretty much every time Jake looked at her.
The meal was lovely but the sadness and anger kept nagging at me throughout it. I was trying to forget about it but I couldn't. At one point I almost cried because the sadness took over. I think Cody may have sensed something because I poked at my food a lot of the time and didn't eat much. I felt too sick a lot of the time.
I was quite tired after moving which I hadn't done in a few days so I told everyone I was going to bed. It was only about 9:30. I crutch-walked to the room which I was now sharing with Cody. The sadness and anger kicked in more. I broke down. Tears streaming down my face. Fright as I remembered the attack. I hobbled to the bathroom and urgently searched for my razor. Throwing everything around in desperation. Eventually, I found it. I tore it apart and broke one of the blades out. I hopped to the sink so I could wash any blood away. One cut. Two. Three. Four. Five. Si-
"Lily?"
Shit, it was Cody. I scrambled everything and chucked my razor and blade in the bin and washed my wrist.
"Lily? Are you okay?"
He opened the door and saw my red, blood shot eyes.
"What's wrong?"
He went to hold my hands to comfort me but I flinched my left hand back as he touched it. He looked down at it then looked up at me, my tears had started again and were falling at a constant rate.
"I'm sorry"
"Shhhh"
He said nothing and hugged me so tightly. He squeezed me and I rested my head on his chest. He kissed the top of my head. I cried so much I made his t shirt wet. We stayed like this for about 3 minutes. Just hugging, no talking.
After 3 minutes he broke the hug and carried me to the bed. We sat facing each other and Cody looked me deep in the eyes.
"Why did you do it to yourself?"
I just sat there and looked down. How do I explain to him? No one will understand.
"Lil please. I may be able to help you"
I sat in silence for about 10 seconds before answering.
"It doesn't feel right"
"What? Us?"
"Noooo! Us is great. I could never ask for a better us. You're perfect! But I kind of don't feel like I should be here"
He smiled at my compliment. Then frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"The shark should have killed me.
I should have gone."
"What?! No you shouldn't have!"
"I should! I wake up to it scaring me every night. I have the recurring nightmare of the same thing happening but worse"
"Of course you're going to! You went through such a traumatic event. But I saved you. I wanted to save you. I had to save you"
I looked up at him.
"Lil, if you hadn't have survived I don't know what I would have done. You don't know the huge impact you've had on my life in such a short time. Now I know you, I couldn't live without you. You're my perfect girl and more. Please stop thinking you're not worth it because you are. You're more perfect than you could ever know. I love you so so much. Please Lil, please stop the cutting. For me?"
I stopped; taking in what he just said.
"You love me?"
"Of course. In fact I'm in love with you. I've never felt like this about any girl"
"I love you too"
He smiled the most adorable smile. "Will you stop for me?"
"I'll try my best"
"That's all I can ask"
