Look To The Stars

I Need You to Run

Dear Emelia,

My sweet beautiful angel, I don’t know how you do it but you make me feel like myself. You make me feel complete and like I don’t have to be anything other than what I am. I’ve never felt that comfortable with someone, not even with the other boys. You’re everything I could ever possibly want and need. I could go on forever about the little things you do that make you so beautiful and perfect even though I know you’ll never believe me. The truth is, I want you to be mine and only mine. I don’t want anyone else loving you or holding you or wiping your tears away when you’re hurt. I want to be the one to pick you up when you fall and kiss your pains away. I want to be the one you come home to and smile the biggest for. I want to be that guy. I only hope that you will allow me to be.

-Xx Niall

These were the sweet words that echoed in my head since waking up this morning. What am I supposed to think after reading that? I’m not ready for this…I thought he of all people would understand that. It’s too soon and I just can’t be hurt again. I refuse to feel that pain again. I looked down at the scars that were still visible on my pale brown wrists that I tried so hard to hide.  My scars were like my story written in my skin. They represented every loss I ever had and I can’t imagine losing Niall and him becoming a part of that permanent story. What am I supposed to tell him? I can’t do it, I just can’t.

~6 months earlier~

I woke up and yet again, the sun was too bright and the room was too cold. It was as if the world was rubbing my misfortune in my face. I turned to my side and the empty space on the other side of my bed reminded me of my recent loneliness.  The only thing there was my phone and a dog that was too fluffy for her own sake. I clicked the home button and waited for my eyes to adjust so I could see how late I had slept in. It was only 11:43 and I thought to myself “Damn…too much of the day left.” I noticed that my mom had called me 7 times since 9 this morning and I was glad I missed the calls. I unlocked my phone and held it to my ear to listen to her various messages-

“Mea! It’s your mom! I know you aren’t feeling well sweetie but you need to get out of bed and get some air. I know you haven’t left the apartment in days now and I want you to be okay. Call me back! Kisses!”

The other six messages all said basically the same thing. I don’t see why I need to get out of bed at this time of day. If the sun is up then I don’t need to be. This had been my routine for the past few days. I couldn’t fathom the thought of him being gone so I locked myself away and prayed that the pain would fade or that he would come back to me. I don’t know what she had that I didn’t…Oh wait, I do. She’s beautiful and I’m not, she’s skinny and I’m not, she’s white and I’m not…I can’t change those things though. They deserve each other. Beautiful people go for beautiful people, I know that. It just seemed so much harder to understand now that he was gone.

I looked down at my wrists that were still sore from when I had cut them last night. A “D” was carved into my right wrist for his name and horizontal scars covered my left. They hurt so badly but they reminded me that I was still alive in this world that seemed to hate me so much. Suddenly, my darling puppy woke up and jumped on my stomach as if to wish me a good morning. “Good morning Babycakes! How are you this morning, my love?” She loved it when I talked to her but I knew she was excited for something else at this moment. She wanted to go for a walk. I dreaded this moment every morning but if she was my only motivation to get up, then let it be.

I pulled the covers off of my legs and walked into my bathroom only to see myself in the mirror and actually scare myself. “What the hell happened to you Mea? Get yourself together man!” I took off my oversized t-shirt and stepped in the shower where I attempted to wash the ugly off of my skin. I stepped out feeling slightly better, got dressed in a pair of sweats, brushed my teeth, put my hair in a sloppy ponytail, put on some shades, and got ready to take my dog for a walk. I put the leash on her and lead her out the door. After locking my front door, we continued down the hallway and to the stairs. I hate stairs. They remind me of how out of shape I am. Once we got downstairs, I waved to Charlie, the owner of my building and then stepped out into the cool air.

It was fall and the dead leaves were lying beautifully on the sidewalk. Babycakes knew exactly where to walk and I let her lead me to the dog park. As we approached I noticed a lot of screaming teenage girls and the sounds of their loud high pitched voices made my skin crawl. They formed a circle around a small area that my dog was walking me towards. “What the hell is going on?” I said to myself as we got even closer. My dog walked in between a few girls heading towards the middle of the circle then stopped and squatted. Suddenly their screams were because a dog was pooping on their shoes, not because of whatever was happening on the inside of the circle. “EXCUSE ME! My dog is taking a shit! Please move!” I shouted at them dryly hoping that they would all just shut up. They cleared which made a small opening in the circle.

I looked in and my eyes met a pair of intensely blue ones. He was standing there holding a leash dressed in a snap-back that had “Niall” written on the side and a sweater that had “Crazy Mofos” printed on it. I looked down at his pit bull as it looked at my miniature poodle and lunged at her. My dog yelped and the blue eyed boy struggled to pull his large dog back. “STOP IT NANDO!” he said in an accent that I didn’t quite recognize. I picked up my dog and cradled her hoping she wasn’t hurt. I looked up at the boy and yelled “What the heck is wrong with you? Your dog could’ve killed mine!” He opened his mouth to speak but one of the teenage girls turned to me and said “Excuse you bitch? You should be happy. Niall Horan’s dog just lunged at your dog. THE Niall Horan. I wish something of his would lunge at something of mine.” She smiled cheekily and turned back to who I assume is Niall. I tapped her shoulder and said “No, pardon me bitch, but I don’t care who he is or who the hell his dog is or who the heck you think you are so you can just step to the side.”

Suddenly the crowds started running towards me with arms extended yelling swear words and I panicked. I felt a strong arm grab my waist and pull me forward and I heard a strange accent in my ear that instructed me saying “I need you to run.”