Cowboys and Angels

Chapter 23

*Trevor's POV*

Shit. Shit. Shit, was all I thought. Damnit. I always screwed everything up. Everyone always thought I was so manly and tough, but I wasn't. Ever since she went missing, it felt like everything around me was closing in. I was such a dick to her. I hated myself. Why the fuck did I have to treat her like that?

This was all my fault. And every second, I thought about her. It'd been over a year since we broke up. It was depressing because she was gone. Would I ever see her again? I don't know. But if I ever did, there's no doubt I'd walk right up to her and kiss her like she was still mine. As messed up as that sounds, I would. I never stopped loving her. No one heard my side of the story.

It was almost the end of summer. And around this time last year, she went around telling everyone what I did to her. And that made me so angry, so fucking hurt, because I was never a bad guy. Until that moment I heard her story: I cheated on her, had sex with another girl, and didn't give a shit that I did. I never cared about her, didn't even think about her. And that I was lying to her whenever I said "I love you." I loved that Kerry girl more than her and that's why I went on that "vacation."

No. No. I was not the bad guy. I loved her every single day. I wasn't ashamed that I did. She was my everything. I swore that we were going to grow old together.

I was such a fuck up and ruined everything. I hurt her, abuse her, because I had no way of showing my pain. I wanted her to see how miserable I was by hurting her, threatening her, anything. All I ever wanted was her to be mine again. And I just screwed all that up.

There was that one time when we went to the lake. I was wasted drunk. I almost killed myself. I didn't confront her about it, because I screwed up then too. When was I ever going to get something right? But...but she's gone. And every waking moment, I thought about her. How she won't ever forgive me for the things I had done to her. How, now, she would never give me a chance to explain myself and what had happened. I would never get that opportunity. And who knew if we'd ever see her again.

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Later one day, I got up the nerve to go and visit her mother. It was the most difficult thing I had to do in all the time she went missing. I had to explain, apologize, and forgive her for all I had done, even though Emerson wasn't there. I needed her mother to understand. I would sell myself to the devil if I screwed up anything more. She was my life, my everything, my girl. I needed her back, though that would probably never happened.

I walked up to her home. A car was in the driveway so I assumed her mother was home. This was going to hurt like a bitch to come forward after he daughter went missing. But I was just in as much grief as she was.

I slowly knocked on the door. After the third knock, the door opened. Her mother was so worn down. Her eyes and face were stained red. I had the urge to cry, but I held it back. What the hell was I getting myself into?

"Hello, Mrs. Dawson. May I speak with you?" I said as politely as possible.

She gave me a confused look and whispered, "Trevor? Trevor Huntington? What in God's name are you doing here?"

"I was hoping I could speak with you. Please."

"Concerning what?" she spoke sharply.

I took a deep breath and continued, "I need to explain and apologize for a few things."

She remained silent, just staring at me. I was intimidated. I was face to face with a grieving mother and she was capable of doing anything. For one, calling the police.

"Fine."

I thanked her and stepped into her home. I hadn't been here since Emerson and I were still dating. It was eerie. I wanted to walk right up to Emerson's room and hold her just like I used to, but she wasn't here. I felt a slight pain in my chest when I looked at the pictures of Emerson scattered around the living room.

"Please, excuse the mess I had created," she stated with her head hung low, walking into the kitchen.

I nodded, "It's alright."

She waved her hand for me to sit at the kitchen table while she walked around to the other side. I sat down and folded my hands on the table.

Surprisingly, she spoke first, putting me off guard. "She told me what you did to her. I have every right to call the police and have you arrested for assaulting her." She took along pause. I was almost about to begin until she cut me off. "But I won't."

"Mrs. Dawson, may I explain my side of the story I never got to say." She nodded. And began.

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Mrs. Dawson just looked at me with great awe. "Trevor, I can't say I forgive you for what you have done to her, but I give you credit for being brave and mature about it." I felt the grief in her home vanish as she smiled.

"Thank you."

"Oh, and Trevor..."

I turned around on her porch and narrowed my eyes on her. "Yes, ma'am."

"Go find her. Please. For me." I could feel the tears in my eyes gather as I whispered back,

"I will."

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I stood in front of our small town church and looked at the cross that stood tall at the point of the steeple. The sun shone in my eyes causing me to squint. I took a deep breath in then out as I stepped forward onto the sidewalk. It had been the first time in years since I'd gone to church let alone confession. And those many years later, I was in need of a good confession with the priest. I was ready to let go of this horrible past that I had with abusing people. I wanted God to forgive me for all the horrible things I'd done. This was time.

I walked into the church and glanced around. I saw Father walk out of the Usher's room and smiled as he saw me.

"What can I do for you, Son?" he asked.

I bowed my head a little bit and gazed up at him. I felt a knot grow in my throat and tried to relax as I spoke. "Um, I would like to confess my sins, Father."

He smiled widely at me again and said happily, "Let's take a step into my office." And he led me into the church and over to a confessional. He politely opened the door for me and I stepped inside.

And within ten minutes, I confessed what I had bottled up after almost a year of hatred towards a girl I loved more than anything.

As I stepped out of the confessional, Father stood in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulders, slightly shaking me.

"Son, you're a good kid. I know you are, but there's one the last thing I'm gunna say to you..."

"Yeah?" I asked eagerly.

"Go find her." I nearly choked on my breath when he said that. I needed to. If anyone was going to save her or find her or kiss her, it was going to be me. 

Above anything, I needed to.