2133

3.8 Rush

The nights had the same structure. We would fall asleep in our separate spots, I would have a bad dream, Mr. Bentley would wake me up and calm me down, and then he would spent the rest of the night on the mattress with me.

I started to believe that only Mr. Bentley's presence could calm me down. He represented the silence in my head. Out there in the woods everything was taking its time, nothing was rushed.

Just like Mr. Bentley did not rush me.

Whatever he had planned, he was not going to tell me until he knew I was ready. I had no idea what he meant by that.

Every time I woke up after we had fallen asleep next to each other because my nightmares, I gazed at him, exploring details about him I did not dare to explore when he was awake. He was like a present to me. I had to wait until I was allowed to open it. I had no idea what was inside. It could be a diamond, or a bomb.

I had never been fond of diamonds, but in this case I would choose them over the bomb.

I reached out to lightly stroke his arm. Mr. Bentley was not heavily muscled, but he was still strong.

Abruptly, he opened his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"The... The blanket. I thought you were getting cold," I quickly came up with a lie. I distanced myself from his inviting body, I stood up.

"You do not have to run. If you want to touch me, you can. We are not in a museum," he said, wearily. "Unless I tell you that I do not want you to, let's be fair here."

I sat down on the mattress.

Mr. Bentley reached out to my hand, softly brushing my thigh. I felt a sweet jolt of electricity. He pulled me closer to him, I laid back down on the mattress, facing him again.

I could not let go of his eyes. I felt swept away by his steel blue eyes.

Mr. Bentley gently traced a path on my waistline.

"You know, I am not allowed to do this," he uttered, his voice sounding calm.

"I do not understand." I was getting ready to cross one thing of the list. I was all ears to what he was about to say.

"I am not supposed to like you," he responded.

"What is so wrong with that, Mr. Bentley?" I asked.

"Liking you leads to wanting to do things to you. I can't afford that. You are damaged enough already. I do not want to add to that," he explained.

"I am damaged because I was forced. I do not know how it feels to be touched by someone for real. I would like to get there some day. Just to erase them out of my mind," I said. His hand stopped moving at the curve of my waist.

"You can't say those things," he uttered. "I am not allowed to come close to you in that way. I have... There are rules I have to follow."

On the inside, I celebrated. It was a conflicted celebration, but I felt relieved. Whatever he had planned for me, did not include having involuntarily sexual practices. I knew he was not like the other guys.

"What's going on? Why are you smiling like that?" he asked me, quite confused.

"I just crossed something off my list. I thought there was a possibility of you forcing yourself upon me, but now that I know you have rules..."

"I should have told you earlier, shouldn't I?" I nodded.

Now that I knew he did not want to force me, I felt this weird sensation. He had gained points with his statement.

I wondered what it would feel like to actually want to be touched by someone. In this case it was Mr. Bentley.

I wanted to break his rules.