Afire Love

nineteen

Chapter nineteen: Stupid Mundane Emotions And Their Dramatical Needs.

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"Oh, I'm a mess right now,

Inside out.

Searching for a sweet surrender,

But this is not the end."

~I'm A Mess, Ed Sheeran.

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HAVE YOU EVER felt your heart crumble into minuscule particles? Have you ever felt the nagging pain in your chest that draws you, succumbs you into a whirlwind of melancholic emotions? Have you ever felt the desperate need to break your facade and show to the world how actually sad you are?

Have you ever loved someone and experienced what it was like to not be loved by them?

I'll be your boyfriend, Edward had said to Staicey.

My knees buckle up and I fall. A high pitched jubilant shriek by Staicey is what makes me still pay attention to what they're talking inside the tent.

"Are you serious?" Staicey exclaims in her happiest tone possible.

"Let's just keep this a secret for a while", Edward replies to her.

It takes every ounce of my strength to stand back up and resume walking to my tent.

I continue to limp through the snow in the absolute darkness. For a second I wish I had someone who actually loved me. For a second I wish I hadn't felt so lonely.

With love comes the pain, and with pain comes the sadness.

Those words hit me like a rock on my face and teardrops flow through my cheeks as I sob, walking toward my tent.

When I get inside the tent, I don't find Anika, and I sigh with relief.

I settle on my bed, and I feel torn. Like my insides are torn apart, like my heart is writhing in pain.

I feel numb. Empty. Hollow. Incomplete.

And then I break down.

Love. Isn't it ironical that just a monosyllabic word such as love could have such a drastic effect on a girl who never thought could fall in love? Why, oh why, had I fallen for a guy who never had feelings for me in the first place?

But that's the thing about love, isn't it? You don't have a say in it.

Although Edward Darmian broke my heart, maybe it was my fault all along. He never told me that he loved me, so who was I to mistake his feelings? Who was I to create delusions in my head? But the problem was, my heart just doesn't listen. It itches and throbs to reach to him and feel his skin, it cries and weeps to feel his touch, it waits and longs to see his smile, and it's gone far beyond my control. I'm surprised by the passion with which it acts, by the overwhelming feeling with which it's controlled.

Why did he save me? Why didn't he just let me choke to death?

The hole that was punched through my chest, the one that was almost healed is once again shaping up. But it feels as though a bigger hole has been punched right next to it, and my chest has become completely hollow and wary of withstanding the pain.