Letters From Augustus

Chapter 9

      Today, I go to my last doctors appointment that I'll be coming home from. I can't help but start to freak out. I've never really been scared of death, but I was now.  About two more weeks and I'd be back, awaiting my inevitable death. Waiting to hear my parents last words to me. Waiting to feel my last breath rush out of my body and fill everyone else's lungs. 

Isaac was coming over after my appointment, I needed him. He was my only friend, the only one here that could get my through this. He'll probably be staying at my house for awhile, which I was okay with. My parents knew we weren't going to do anything. 1. I'm sick as hell 2. They know that the only person I'd ever liked that way was Augustus. 

Dear Hazel Grace,

         Not to be creepy or anything, but you look absolutely beautiful sleeping. Right now you're laying on my couch "watching over me". It's okay that you're not, I understand I can be pretty tiring to look after haha. Also, I can see you've been very tired these few days, I'm sorry Hazel Grace. I love you Hazel. 

                                                         Love, 

                                                                    Gus

I remember that day, he looked so bad. His face was so pale and his lips were chapped. I still loved him though, I still got butterflies every time he'd touch me. But he was gone now and I'd never feel that touch again, even if I wasn't going to die soon.

Dear Hazel Grace,

  You are the love of my life, I want to marry you but I understand that isn't possible. If you see this, understand that we're married in spirit, I love you Hazel Grace. 

                                                       Love,

                                                                Gus

Dear Hazel Grace,

I literally feel myself wasting away. I know I'm going to die within about two weeks. I'm always in and out of the hospital. I don't even understand why they send me home. I sit in a hospital bed miserable in both places. I get hooked up to what seems like thousands of things just to keep me barely alive. Hazel Grace I don't want to be alive anymore, it's too much work. Trying to keep me alive is pointless when I know it's coming soon. I love you Hazel Grace. I'm sorry for being a burden. 

                                                      Loveliest,

                                                                   Augustus

I felt a few tears burn their way down my cheeks and splash onto my light blue t-shirt. He wasn't a burden to me. To know that he wanted to die so bad made me scared, it made me sad. I guess I'd known. He was in so much pain that he was complaining about just laying down on a bed. God, I wish I could've done SOMETHING. Just one fucking thing that would've made him at least a little less miserable. I'm so sorry Gus. 

 I was in a wheelchair now, considering I was way to weak to walk. Phillip sat in the back of my wheelchair, he barely helped anymore, but he helped enough to keep me alive, I guess.

I got to the doctors and they told me the same thing I'd already known.  I had approximately two weeks to live. I nodded my head and pressed my lips together holding back my sobs, my body can't take crying, it literally takes all my breath. Also, I just didn't want to cry.