We Don't Believe ✧ joshler [ON HOLD]

10

a/n: im still not accepting the fact that i saw fall out boy live and that was a month ago

After a few days, the guilt started to set in. Tyler had been so caught up with Josh and their work, that he'd completely forgotten about Jenna, or that he was even married at all. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but...Josh Dun, y'know? It doesn't justify anything, but he was going to tell her the truth, anyway. Eventually.

Not only had he been caught up with work, shows, Josh, music, Josh—he'd done a lot of thinking, too. He thought about how right it felt to be with Josh, yet deep inside, it felt as if it were wrong. He knew and felt it wasn't, but something dark pricked at him, which bothered him a lot.

He thought of his parents then, and how'd they'd tell him that what he's doing right now, that who he is loving right now, that people who even pretended to be homosexual in any way, was wrong. Though, he clearly knew it wasn't that way, he noticed how they had poisoned his thoughts this way. Using the Lord's name to justify their opinions. It made something in Tyler's stomach churn, and a knot tie up in his throat.

Tyler sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Setting his hands on the table, where his laptop, a notepad and pen were laid out. The first page of the notepad had random words and phrases scribbled on it, making the clean page look like a mess, one that wasn't of any help at all. But Tyler still thought it would give him new ideas for the future, he was hopeful.

In that moment, he thought of Josh and how he'd been able to bring out a lot of things in Tyler that he'd kept to himself, buried deep within his mind in a chest never to be unlocked. Things that he was forced to keep locked and buried away. After years of hiding his true feelings and who he truly was, negative things started to come out of it and illusions were starting to make up his life, one made out of lies.

Tyler had not realized this until he realized how good, how warm, how nice it felt to be held in Josh's strong arms while he slept peacefully. He'd realized, that night, that he really didn't love women the way he thought, the way he was taught to think he loved them. He couldn't get romantically nor sexually involved with one of them. Yet, he's done all those already, he's even gotten married to a woman, for God's sake.

He knows it took him a lot of time, and a lot of mistakes, to get to this realization. And he knows he mist atone for those mistakes and to fix problems that would soon be caused and brought into his path. He needed to tell Jenna everything, tell his siblings. Hell, he should even tell his parents just to avoid further problems from keeping secrets instead of being honest. He knew where that would lead.

But he was in such a bliss with Josh. Everything seemed so unreal, that he couldn't bring himself to do these things, afraid that his only sunshine would be taken away, and be replaced with the darkness that had always clouded his mind. Josh was the sunlight that streaks through the gray skies on a cloudy and gloomy day, parting those gray clouds to reveal a great blue sky. Warm, pleasing, and happy. That was what Josh was. And Tyler didn't want that to leave him or get taken away from him.