Shy Eyes

11

The clock read 4:15 a.m.
I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my brother. It was torture. Part of me wanted to know if he was okay. If he was still alive. The other part of me needed to stop thinking about it before it tore me apart, so I got out of bed. I made sure not to wake Asher. We were going back to school tomorrow and I wanted at least one of us to get some sleep. Asher's mom wasn't here for the last week because she was on a business trip, she would be home tomorrow. The thought made me nervous because she hasn't met me. I wondered how it was possible she let me move in. Asher must be a good negotiator. I went down stairs and got a glass of water. After that, I stood by the window and looked out into the darkness. I saw the reflection of myself in the mirror. My green eyes, my black hair. I felt different. Like a new person. So much had changed in the past 6 weeks. I didn't know what to think anymore. I always thought of myself as just the other half of Jonny. Like me and him were person. Now that I was accepting the fact that I was my own person, I seemed different. Reborn maybe. I definitely looked better. I wasn't dull anymore. Though everything about me read sad. Loss. It was pushing me downwards. I'd survive. I wasn't going to give up on that. Not when my life was getting this good. I mean, I had a new life. No more abuse, a new family, one of the hottest guys in school, who just happens to be the kindest man I've met. So loyal, so loving. I would cherish him forever.

The moon was bright and it engulfed me in it. When I placed my hand on the glass, it left a fogy hand print. My hands were kind of small. Fragile. Normally I'd think, everything I've been through is probably the reason for all of my flaws and insecurities. Not anymore. Now I just accept them as part of me. Asher likes them, he says they make me beautiful and unique. Such kind words. I looked down at where my feet were standing. I felt balanced. I didn't feel like I was falling anymore. Instead I felt like I was flying. I wasn't. It dawned on me that my brother was in the hospital and I was letting him go to heaven. Before I could fall again, I sat on the wood floor. I stared out the window again. The stars looked like a piece of black paper held up to the light with little holes poked randomly through it. It was a work of art. Maybe I was good at something. Observing. My green eyes watching the world go by in full detail. Or seeing beyond it. Making things with a certain meaning have a different meaning, my own meaning. Pain was strength. Mistakes are lessons. Choices are.... Choices were difficult.

I sighed and went back up stairs. I entered my bedroom and got back in bed. I pulled the covers over my shoulders and turned on my side. I stared at the wall. Tears cane out of my eyes when I blinked, and they dripped onto the pillow case. I sniffed quitely. Suddenly I felt shifting in the bed. I felt a body press against my back and an arm wrap around my waist. A soothing voice whispered to me.

"I don't think I can sleep without you anymore."

I smiled as the tears went away. I rolled to my other side, so I faced him. He kissed my forehead and then I buried my head in the crook of his neck and let the sleep settle in.

****

"Paisleyy-" sang a sing song voice.

I groaned.

"C'mon you have to get up. We have school." He said brushing his fingers through my hair.

"I don't wanna." I mumbled burying my face in the pillow.

"Yes you do! And you have 30 minutes to get ready." He said tickling my sides which scared the sleep out of me. I gasped and flipped around onto my back. He continued to mercilessly tickle me as I laughed/growled at him. I turned and tried to run away but he grabbed my hips and threw me back down on the bed, pinning my arms down.

"You don't get away that easily." He said leaning down and pecking my cheek. My heart rate was thought the roof.

"You said I had 30 minutes. I have to shower." I whined.