against reality | gmw

Like A Forest

*so i just wanted to say this was kinda what came into my mind like just now. excuse the unacceptable grammar or spelling errors. they will be corrected when i have the time :) hope you like this :)) its gonna stay all no-caps but i will change the spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes. knowing me that wont be too long. happy reading :D

-ela

so you know those moments when you just dont know what to say or feel or just do anything at all. thats how i feel right now. when you feel so constrained in a small box that you obviously cant fit in, but everybody pushes you in, just so that they think you'll be happy. my dad left when i was a mere useless baby. i didnt know what was going on, i just know that i was there, crying, my innocent and poor mother cradling me in her thin and shaky arms.

as i grew older i made a few friends here and there. but none of them really stayed with me; either they went on with a new group of friends that were obviously way cooler than me or just didnt wanna be friends with the idiotic blonde girl with no family or friends. its quite saddening now that you hear it, but in actual fact i knew it was gonna happen.

until one day i met riley matthews. she was a bubbly and tall girl. she had nice brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. she offered me her sandwhich and a juice box when we were seven at lunch, but i, being maya hart, declined it, asking her to go away. i know i needed friends but honestly i just wanted to figure out my entire past first before letting any body else into it and giving me more issues.

so my dad is pretty much the reason i have trust issues. he left me when i was a baby, when he knew that my mother couldnt support us with enough money for her needs and that of a small child, so she had to move in with my grandmother and took three jobs everyday, working pretty much 24 hours, with only a couple of hours of sleep if shes lucky. sometimes i stay up and wait for to come home, and when she does, she goes straight to bed and doesnt talk to anybody. she just ties her hair up into a bun before hitting the hay.

she was someone i always respected and idolized, not because she got her husband to leave her with a small child, but because of the determination she had to support her daughter with her needs, even if it meant not spending time with her anymore. its sad, it really is, but sometimes a mother has to do what a mother has to do.

back to my social life. one day as i was walking around school, i noticed the same clutz of a girl walking towards me. she stumbled with her steps, pointing towards her shoes. riley the giant super clutz was wearing high heels. stilettos, to be exact. i could tell her feet hurt, and that she did this because of what other thought of her, not what she thinks of herself. now i think thats impeccably wrong. i dress for my own sense of satisfaction, and i dont need to rely on other opinions to be happy. im happy with riley, my mom, my grandmother, and my life.

at least i thought so. until farkle minkus came into the picture. he was the awkward and weird nerd in our class, always wearing turtlenecks and funky pants. at first sight i thought he would be bullied a lot by the older kids. apparently not. in exchange for not being bullied, he made sure that every test they get got an A so that they could stay on their respective varsity school sports teams.

so this farkle minkus' family seemed to have been old friends of riley's, and because he meant something to her, he meant something to me too. we became close; he was an addition to our duo, now becoming the smart-short-clutz trio. and to me, that completed my life. i didnt need anything else. but of course, i wasnt always right at everything.

shawn hunter was another one of the matthews' close family friends. he was a lone wolf, travelling around the world, taking different pictures for his blog, Kodak Views, something that i used to admire a lot. all the way up until i actually found out hes been getting close to my mother. i was furious and disgusted with their relationship at first, until i realised that over the five years ive known him, he truly had been one father figure fo my own self. which was important, because growing up without amother parent is quite difficult, especially in the impending society that is supposedly going to be settled upon us. the impact our parents have on us is something so strong, no matter how many friends you have. theyre the ones you go to when all your friends hate you.

i have to admit, my friends never betrayed me. but im just so freaking afraid something will happen between is because all of my life, ive always been left. all that i wanted ever was someone who id get to see every day, someone who i could always talk to. not riley, not farkle, not shawn, not my mom. i didnt have anyone to speak to.

the nights i feel i have problems with riley and farkle, my mom and shawn were usually at work, so i was alone at home. i stay locked up in my room, crying my heart out. it stayed like that for a while, until i met lucas friar.

he was a texas native, and he was good-looking. he had soft blonde hair and eyes so green theyre like a forest youll fall in love with. he lived right across the street from my house, with his mother. like me, his father chose to leave them, except lucas was still in contact with his dad.

he went to our school, and i started being friends with him before riley and farkle ever met him. i noticed that they were straying away, getting closer to the more popular people, like jocks and cheerleaders and stupid peppy seniors with a talent for being witchy.  i didnt want them to know about lucas, because i wanted him to stay away from all my problems. he was mine. i know its selfish. he was a great guy, and hed always listen to me. and id listen to him. we would spend nights sitting by my window, just talking. they were deep conversations, about my life, his life, and everything else in the world. it made me happy.

but of course, something was bound to happen. i got to school one day and i found riley swapping spit with lucas. the second my eyes set on them, i was so broken. my heart shattered, leaving an empty dark place where my heart used to be. i didnt wanna have feelings anynore. its just hurt so much. my "best friend" was making out with the only person that i ever really trusted.

thats when i felt like i had no one in the world. when i had no purpose staying on earth. when i felt that the whole world was against me, when i was just alone and scared and broken. everything just hit me so hard at that moment when the only one you had left was just gone. it was like you were being eaten by a shark or you were being chased by a pack of wolves or you were falling off a cliff or youve been stabbed in the heart or youve been shot in the arm or you just didnt want to be there anymore.

until you didnt feel like it anymore. and thats the best second you ever get in your entire life.  then the next isnt so great anymore.

lucas came back to me. riley left. she moved back to philadelphia with her parents. farkle went travelling around the world with his father and his camera. so it was just me and lucas.

forgiveness doesnt come along easily, it really doesnt.

so like all the other cliché tv shows or movies, i hated lucas. i didnt speak to him, i didnt notice him, i didnt look at him. i just hated him. i didnt wanna be associated with him or even remember him. i just, wanted my life the way it was before i met riley and started this whole damned messed-up crap.

so it was just me and my mom and shawn.

but if you still didnt notice, my life never seems to go the way i want it to go.

i walked up to my locker one day, going to fix my makeup with the mirror i had in it. i unlocked it and opened it up, before revealing a bunch of flowers and love letters and chocolates and teddy bears. i was in so much shock and my mind was blank. i had no idea who couldve gave me all that, then it dawned on me. when i figured it out, i slammed my locker shut, walking towards lucas friar, a fre teddy bears and flowers in my hand.

when he saw me he smiled, and i threw everything at him. i thought i was so mad. i couldnt even say words to describe it. i just delt like ripping out his heart and feeding it to sharks, because thats how i felt when he kissed riley. before i knew it i started crying. but i knew that all this time i wasnt even mad. i just didnt wanna be hurt anymore. i slid down the lockers, full of mixed emotions, just bawling my eyes out. there arent many times  a girl like me would ever cry in public, and this has actually been the only time it ever happened.

it was warm and comfortable, yet sad and awkward. lucas and i were both on the floor, his arms wrapped around me. his gorgeous green eyes looked at me with hope and love but i just kept crying. i was so mad at him all this time, when really there wasnt anything to be mad about. he was the only one ever, that could make me happy, and i was very thankful for it.

and thats why, im marrying him, tonight.

[Update: 13/01/16]
*gahhh thats soo nice to mee... i dont know where i got all that from, but yay!

-ela