The Anyway Clause

Her

|A/N: Press play {Die Trying by MICHL}|

"An awake heart is like a sky that pours light." -Hafiz

Hailey

Jane came back into my life suddenly and just like that, the sun came back. She'd always been the coolest and cutest girl in elementary. Even back then she and Scott had been inseparable. I always wanted to be friends like them. They weren't afraid to swing really high and jump and, even when she scraped her knee, she didn't cry. Jane was always tough like that. I'm pretty sure she was the first girl I wanted to play house with. But I came out and she moved away. I moved on.

That was until freshman year when I was in the middle of a horrible break-up and I was sitting in math class trying to disappear. Everyone was waiting for me to have some crying fit after it came out that I'd been dumped but I was trying to stay bubble gum tied. I was sneaking candy from Brit when she nodded her head towards the door. I looked up and saw the teacher talking to a new kid whose face was a little obscured by the shiniest black wavy hair slightly covered by a light grey oversized beanie. She had a grey, black and white plaid shirt on with solid cloth grey sleeves. Her nails were drumming a tired beat across a satchel covered in buttons. A large diver's watched was poking from under her sleeve. Her pants were tight and black and ripped at the knee and I could clearly see a very toned figure. Even from my seat in the middle of the second row I could see the ripple of muscles as she shifted from one foot to the other. But as soon as my eyes landed on her grey converse shoes I just knew. A barely visible infinity sign with an anchor had been drawn on the white of the shoe. And just like that, I was a kid on a playground again hoping I wouldn't get caught staring at the most intriguing girl I'd ever met.

The last time I'd seen her she was wearing shoes that sparkled, a pink shirt and bouncy ponytail and pink nail polish; a stark difference to the girl in front of me, but I just knew it was her. Something in me recognized her. And even back then she would draw that infinity sign with the anchor on her shoes. As a kid, she'd drawn it over the light up part of the shoe because she said she wanted it to shine. I wanted to have some cool symbol to draw on my clothing that made me special and unique like her. So, she took a teacher's pen and drew the scientific sign for a woman on the sole of my shoe. She said she chose it because I was a girl in a boy's world. She remembered that I was an only girl with four brothers. I stared at that symbol for the rest of the day and had quite a tantrum when my mom cleaned it off my shoes. Years later, seeing that she'd continued drawing on her shoes made me look down at my own feet, remembering how powerful I felt walking around with that symbol on my shoes. I don't remember when I stopped drawing it but it was probably around the time I started drawing rainbows instead. At that moment, I uncapped my black marker and drew it on the heel of my shoe and it made me smile. I wondered if she would remember. I could never forget.

We didn't have one of those moments where our eyes met and we smiled at each other or were immediately in a trance just staring into each other's souls. In fact, she seemed quite uninterested in everything. She scanned the faces in the classroom quickly as she introduced herself before taking her seat. She was quiet and, even though she hadn't lingered on me, I found myself paying more attention to her than math. For the first time in a week I was actually attracted to something other than the dismissal bell that would release me from everyone's scrutiny. Even as a freshman I was popular. I was a lesbian cheerleader who dated a junior; at least until she cheated on me and dumped me. I was glad Jane hadn't known about that. A lot of people didn't recognize her but I did; I always would. And I wasn't surprised when she sat next to Scott at lunch. He seemed to be the only one that could draw her out of her shell. Sure, she was polite to the inquisition into her sudden appearance at the beginning of our second semester but I could tell she was completely over everyone. I stole glances at her all lunch and Peyton noticed. I mean, since my break-up, the only things that kept me sane at school were Brit and her never-ending supply of treats, Scott's sarcastic commentary in science, and sex with Peyton. She let me take some of my power back when we were messing around and she didn't make it feel like pity or anything. It was my secret therapy but it wasn't perfect. Like when Jane came back, I felt wrong for sleeping with Peyton while wishing I had the nerve to talk to Jane. Weirdly enough, it was P that had encouraged me to do something about my infatuation. I hadn't done anything but it made me appreciate her more knowing that she was concerned about my happiness.