The Anyway Clause

Who Are You When I'm Not Looking

Hailey

After the whole debacle in the closet I stormed off to find Brit. I had to take a moment to pull myself together but then I decided that I was equal parts pissed and sad. Like, I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. It was a lot to deal with.

As soon as I was about to admit defeat Jane interpreted it as me telling her that I was tired of her stuff. Like, I have baggage too but the same way I think that she's going to find someone better she thinks that she's hard to love and that people won't want to stick with her through the hard stuff. I think that's why she put up all those walls and it was so hard to get her to let me in because she was trying to protect herself.

She once told me that if she didn't let people in then they couldn't disappoint her and they couldn't break her. I wanted to just cry right when she told me that but I held it together. I wish she could see I was just as messed up on the inside too.

Like, I held it together when she told me that because I felt the same way and I knew that she didn't need my stupid little tears. I know if I ever had the guts to admit that to someone the last thing I would've wanted was them to get wrapped up in themselves and how it made them feel and start crying. Like, I can't take my crap and then have to turn around and make you feel better about it.

So, I didn't do that to her but in moments like that in the closet I felt like that was exactly what she was doing to me. Like, I was trying to stay stuff out loud but instead she took it the wrong way and now it was more about making her understand than it was about the fact that I had to admit that stuff in the first place.

But I can't complain because, at the end of the day, she has had to do the same thing with me like a million times more because I swear I took stuff the wrong way at the absolute worst times.

I found Brit in the library with Scott and they were both on the computers working on that same Econ project that I'd nearly finished. They both said I had an advantage because my dad worked at a bank but in reality, my advantage came in the fact that my mother was big on making plans and I had inherited that bit of neurosis from her.

It was fun for me to commandeer Jane's room and, while she worked on some top secret project in her shed, picture my life in five years as a newly minted college grad in the real world. Jane had already finished hers because well, she had a whole career path waiting for her and a family fortune at her disposal.

She wouldn't even have to take Econ until next semester. Overachieving brat.

Scott gave me a look but said nothing as Brit talked me down from the ledge. She reminded me that I couldn't actually kill Jane because I loved her and I would totally miss her too much. Plus, she wouldn't be up for the search required to visit me in prison to "meet the broad that made me her bitch." Leave it to Brit to make it about her.

So, upon hearing reasoning I started texting Jane. She didn't respond so I just tried to make my case in my messages. It sounded like crap but it was the best I could do. And then, when I was in class I broke my 'no texting in Econ' rule and text her that I would go see Crawford. I even bragged about cutting her off before she could bring it up.

I was faking my enthusiasm. Self-harm therapy is a real drag and having to admit to a relapse was going to be hell. I'd done so good. But Jane's response lifted me like a million feet off the ground.

As I'd expected, talking to Crawford was a downer. It helped, don't get me wrong about that, but I just hated having to admit my failure out loud. But she didn't dwell on it which was not what I was expecting.

I'd been talking to Crawford since Jane and I started getting serious and she'd found out about my little habit. I'd been trying to quit and I thought for sure she was going to break up with me because a depressing girlfriend that cut herself was not what she signed up for but instead she'd been super supportive. She made a big effort to always check in on my mental state and then she convinced me to see Crawford.