The Anyway Clause

Stranger Things Have Happened

"If pain doesn't lead to humility, you have wasted your suffering." -Katerina Stoykova Klemer

TJ

Jane was markedly different when she came home from the hospital. I couldn't get her words out of my head. She'd spoken so candidly and painfully about how hard everything felt. She'd cried her way through telling me about her last fight with Hailey. It was the middle of the night, Hailey was asleep on the other side of the room out of Jane's sight and it was just the two of us awake in the dim lighting of the hospital room. It was a long day with her having so many test run and constantly being bothered for one reason or another. It had been an odd revelation for me to realize that, no matter what else had changed, she was still the same grumpy Jane when she was poorly. I'd seen it with the nosebleed and it was on full display in the hospital. She hated being weak and being sick made her angrier and grumpier than normal. I always hated when she got sick but I also loved that it was also the time when she would let me care for her, even if I messed up. Sitting there listening to her words slur as she spilled her guts to me with her eyes closed it felt like she was letting me take care of her again. Until she called me dad and I knew she wasn't talking to me, at least not in her mind. Logically, I know that she was drugged up and I probably looked even more like dad so she felt safe just blurting all that stuff out, but I couldn't help but hope that some part of her knew it was me and opened up anyway; that some part of her had let her defenses crumble. I wanted to push for more. I wanted her to tell me everything but I've always been greedy for information, especially with Jane. I've always found her infinitely interesting. I had so many things to stumble over saying to her but I knew I couldn't. She was in no shape to deal with me. So instead, I pretended to deal with Reece. But my version of dealing with Reece was basically mimicking my extremely drugged up sister by sitting in a haze staring off at nothing.

I'm sure Reece just thought I was exhausted and so, as much as she wanted to yell at me for lying about everything, she couldn't let that overcome her kind nature. She had every right to yell. After Jane's confession to me, though I'm positive she didn't remember it, I'd gotten bold and spilled my guts to Reece. In our relationship, I'd never been completely honest with how badly I'd treated Jane. She knew about my drug use and my two trips to rehab. We had built this foundation of honesty, she was my best friend and I was hers. We didn't hide things from each other, no matter how messed up it was. Learning that I purposely hid the fact that, while somewhat sober, I turned my back on Jane causing her to be a ward of the state until Nan could claim custody was a lot for her to take in. I also admitted to being a world class hacker again. I'm actually a little, okay a lot, notorious on the dark web among hackers. My handle, K!D_CH@0$ has been linked to some legendary hacks, trolls and leaks but I'm not bragging, just explaining. And somehow, I managed to admit to kind of cheating on her about six months into our relationship. I didn't sleep with someone else, but there was heavy kissing before I stopped it. So yeah, she had more than enough things to kick my ass about. But she didn't. She made it clear that she was hurt and disappointed. The conversation went right up to the edge of her breaking up with me but stopped short. And, after what felt like forever in tense silence, she told me to stop waiting for her to break up with me. As soon as I breathed a sigh of relief she slapped the fire out of me, told me that I wasn't off the hook and she was putting me on notice. I'm not sure what that meant other than I needed to rebuild our relationship. But she stayed.

I tried to be a super brother when Jane came home and Reece was right by my side. I bounced back and forth between Scott and Jane but Rafe was glued to Scott and Hailey to Jane so there wasn't much I could do but I still tried. And when there was nothing for me to do, I had Reece to focus on. She sat and held my hand for a while before pulling me down on the bed and holding on to me. For the first time in our relationship, I let myself be held. And at some point I felt her gently wipe my face. I was crying and I didn't even know it. It felt like I wasn't doing anything for anyone. And I had no idea what to do to fix things with Reece no matter how desperately I wanted to; and I really wanted to. Being with Reece always felt like the best thing in the world. I could never get enough of her. Even sitting in silence with her was the best thing. I couldn't imagine how I'd function without her. One day, I was just sort of stumbling along trying to stay sober and cross a bridge I burned back to a family I discarded. Then there was Reece. And I wasn't just existing anymore. I was alive and thriving and believing in magic and everything else I'd long given up on. I was a real person with a purpose and hope and I was basking in the purest love I'd felt since childhood. She was the best part of me and knowing I hurt her devastated me. I confessed all those things to make myself feel better with no regard for her feelings. It was tactless and selfish. I hurt her. And I had no idea how to fix it. Was this what love was? Was I just destined to hurt her and pray she'd forgive me?