The Anyway Clause

Under Repair

"Courage doesn't happen when you have all theanswers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have beenavoiding your whole life." -Shannon L. Alder 

Hailey

Jane was alive and mine. I kept telling myself that over and over because it felt like the most concrete thing I had to hold on to. I didn't ask Nan about moving in because she acted as if she expected it. And she even made sure I had access to her car, a freaking Rolls Royce. I promptly refused on the grounds that I could not bear to damage her car and I'd only be able to swear my first born in return and I highly doubted Jane would agree. She laughed. My family wasn't poor but we couldn't afford to touch a Rolls Royce, I knew we could never replace one. She submitted but I should've known she wouldn't let it go that easily. The day after Jane left the hospital, Nan gave me a set of keys to the house and a black Range Rover Evoque. I wasn't allowed to argue. She claimed it was a company vehicle, that she'd feel better if I were in a vehicle that was safe so I could freely travel while also giving her feedback so she'd know if she should add more of them to the company fleet. I think it was all a load of crap but it wasn't a conversation, she talked and I listened. Jane always said that I'd have to get used to her taking care of me and Nan's gesture made me realize it was a family trait.

But I didn't need to be taken care of; I wanted to earn my way in the world. I wasn't dating Jane because she had way too much money at her disposal to buy me anything I wanted on a whim; I dated her because she was always the thing my soul craved the most. I loved her for who she was as a person and not her bank account. I didn't want people to ever get that confused. And so she fought the urge to buy me stuff, foot the bill all the time, take me on expensive dates and trips. I know she hated that I cared about what other people thought about our relationship but she could just add that to the list of overflowing issues I had.

The benefit of Jane being so sedated and dependent was that it gave me a chance to be strong for her. I needed her to see that I wasn't always going to be the weak one needing her to save me from myself. I stayed by her side all the time when I was there. I only left for visits with my family; including Thanksgiving. I spent the day with my family but when everyone was leaving, I did too. But I did get to spend more time with my family when they visited me the next day. I think Scott appreciated having my brothers around because they could challenge TJ in video games, Nan and Noah loved my parents, and I didn't feel bad about hogging all of Jane's attention from TJ in Reece's absence.

Even though I lived with her, I still knew that Jane and I were in a holding pattern. She was recovering well. But our relationship didn't seem to be moving anywhere. And it was my fault. I explained the whole Peyton lie by omission as best I could. She'd just stared at me. I used to be able to look at her and know where her mind was but the drugs took that away; her face was blank. So, I kept talking and she seemed to listen. And when I finished I waited. Under normal circumstances it never took her a long time to respond in some fashion, but the medicine slowed her down and I had to adjust to that delay. When she finally spoke, I didn't expect her to address the topic we'd been avoiding.

"You broke your promise. I was mad because I thought you pitied me. I hate pity. But now, I'm stuck with you breaking your promise. It hurts worse," she whispered thoughtfully.

"I know I promised I wouldn't hurt you and I can't begin to-" she shook her head cutting me off.

"Not that promise. People hurt. All of them. You left me behind," she said but this time reaching out and turning my wrist upwards in a gentle touch.

I had been purposely wearing long sleeves and bracelets to avoid the exact conversation she wanted to have. I didn't want to admit how weak I'd been and acknowledge how accurate she was in her assessment of my actions. I'd seen an impossible situation and, instead of trying to fight back and make it better, I gave up. She was supposed to die in that wreck and she fought her way back to the land of the living but I was too quick to give up and had instead chosen to race into a black abyss. Jane was a fighter; she never understood quitting. It wasn't in her nature. I was a faker; I never knew how to do much more than pretend to be able to fight back. That was a fundamental difference between us.