The Anyway Clause

Skin Deep

"The pain is self-inflicted. I know it's not good for my health. But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself. The rest is out of my hands. I will learn to let go of what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to love what I cannot change. And I will change, I will change, whatever I, whenever I can." -LeAnn Rimes, What I Cannot Change

Hailey

When Scott parked at Jane's house I was surprised. I expected him to take me see Brit or take me home. He didn't explain himself. He just got out of the truck, let himself inside the house and waited. I watched as he greeted the dogs and made sure they were taken care of before leading me to Jane's room.

"Brit is meeting us here. I figured you needed all the support you can get and being here has always been like a haven so maybe it'd work," he said.

"I don't know if I can go through with it," I said from her doorway. Of all the times I'd been in her room without supervision, it just didn't feel right this time.

"Brit is your Jane, tell her and she'll understand. Tell her and it'll be like practice. Now stop standing out there," he waived me into the room and made me sit on the bed.

I sat on her bed for what felt like an eternity. I stared at all the pictures on her walls and tried to remember exactly when each of them were taken. I was actually pretty good at it. I never really needed help when it came to thinking about Jane and I together. It was always natural. Even as I was waiting for the moment when they told me she died because I destroyed what we created, I could only ever imagine myself with her. It hurt. In all those places you can't reach it hurt. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a light tap on the door. I looked up and there was Brit. She had a black cardigan on over a lacy camisole. Under normal circumstances I would've teased her about dressing in so much black. She looked hot, of course. But I didn't have it in me.

"Bitch, I called you," she said in her signature Brit snarl but then added a little softer, "I was worried about you babe."

She sat down by me on the bed and draped her arm around my shoulders. I leaned into her and immediately got choked up. I wanted to cry. But tears weren't going to get the job done. This was so hard. She was so tough and bold. What would she think of me being so weak at a time when Jane needed me the most? The weight of my shame was heavy on my shoulders.

"I have a secret to tell you and I'm so terrified that once you know you won't want me anymore," I whispered.

"Are you a mass murder? Like a serial killer and you need help disposing of a body?"

"What," I responded while pulling away to look at her confused; her question caught me off guard.

"I mean I will totally help you dump a body and all that but, if you're going to be out here killing people, you better have a code like that dude Dexter. You know, only bad people," she said as if being a serial killer was totally fine with her.

"No, I'm not a serial killer Brit," I sighed amused.

"Well that's good because body dumps look messy and you know how I feel about ruining a pair of shoes. So, are you about to come out as straight or worse, finally admitting you're in love with me? Because if you're straight I will get over it eventually, I guess. But don't fall in love with me Hails, you know I don't like people and making new friends is definitely not on my list of things to do," she said once again taking the conversation in a wild direction. But it made me laugh and then I just blurted it out.

"I've been suffering from a really shitty case of body dysmorphia and depression which led me to self-harming," I said with no tact at all.

She was quiet and motionless. I swear I could've heard a rat piss on cotton at that moment. She just stared straight ahead and contemplated what I said. I couldn't take her silence anymore.