The Anyway Clause

Tell The Truth and Shame The Devil

"The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It's the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared." -Lois Lowry, The Giver

Jane

So, I loved him and I missed him and that's okay? I'm not sure how that was supposed to work. And I couldn't ask TJ. And Nan said I had to accept it on my own because it was my heart. But I really wish the old woman would've just given me the answers. What's the point of having all that wisdom and then making me figure it out on my own? It's like having the answer key to the exam but not letting me peek. And when I made this point she laughed at me. So, I turned to Scott. Surprisingly he had an answer for me.

"Trouble, that doesn't sound crazy to me."

"See, now I just want to punch you in the throat. What am I supposed to do with all these feelings?"

"Radical idea alert," he said.

"Throat punch alert," I responded.

"Feel them," he said in that matter-of-fact tone that annoyed me to no end.

I rolled my eyes in response.

"Brain damage and rolling your eyes. Does that sound like a good idea? Or better yet, how does it feel?"

"You're not D'Angelo so I'm not answering that. How's the whole Bridget thing?"

"So I saved her life. And I told her I did it because I was just doing the right thing. But I think that no matter what people do to us, if we love them we love them and that doesn't change. It sucks though."

I nodded my head and returned my attention to the movie. I knew what he meant. We were both stuck loving people that had hurt us. Granted, Jose was dead and Bridget wasn't. It was a messed up place to be in. It felt like no matter what they did, you couldn't say that you were actively trying not to love someone. It just seemed like a jerk move and invited too many questions.

"Hey Scottsdale," I whispered.

I never used his full first name so he knew I was about to say something serious but it didn't stop the reflexive eyeroll he gave me as he dropped his head back on the sofa before looking at me.

"I need a favor."

"You know how I feel about that ridiculous name so this better be a serious one," he sighed.

"I want to take Hailey to the taco place and then to meet my parents."

He stared at me for what felt like a lifetime. I started to second guess myself. Jose had a taco place he took Scott and I to all the time. They used local stuff and everything was fresh. The owner knew us and every year I stopped by and ate fish tacos before I visited my parents. I always told myself that I did it because the food was so good. And that wasn't a lie. But, with so many new revelations about my feelings towards Jose, I think a part of me stopped there because it reminded me of happy times with him.

"Okay. Want to dine in or make a picnic?"

"Maybe a picnic so we can stop at that park before we get to my parents. There's a story I need to tell you both," I said and I watched him quirk up an eyebrow at me before submitting.

School was out, it was December, it was cold and I was wearing a cast that itched too much for my sanity. The air felt different. I felt different. I was terrified and impatient at the same time. I wanted to get my tacos, spill my guts and introduce my girlfriend to my parents. And then go home and have a Merry Christmas. It was a tall order and wasn't going to be at all as simple as I made it sound but I was tired of being on the sidelines of my own life. I was off of the majority of my medicine, I was healed physically for the most part and I just wanted to take the reins of my life. So, at nine on a Saturday morning I was dressed and waiting on the two divas accompanying me to finish. Hailey taking a lifetime was something I understood. But Scott knew we had a two-hour drive and he was still dragging his ass. I sighed dramatically when they both appeared in the family room. I hadn't told Hailey much about the trip except that we were going to get the best tacos I'd ever eaten. And it was just to be the three of us. I knew she knew I was up to something but she wasn't pushing it. I think she could sense that I was letting her in. It's been a thing lately.