The Anyway Clause

When You Least Expect It

Jane

I wished I could've stayed and said something that made sense to Hailey's parents. They wanted me to stay away from their daughter because I was bringing trouble to her life and I understood that but she was begging me to do something and I had to do something. But I failed her. I tried but I failed and she let me go. It was in her eyes that she knew I couldn't talk about it. I wanted to be able to tell her everything. I wanted to be able to look her parents in the eye and tell them exactly what I survived and about the woman that gave her last breath to me but I couldn't. My pulse was racing and I felt just as scared as I had when everything happened. There was a panic setting in and I couldn't seem to anchor myself to reality. I felt like I was back in that moment and the idea of that feeling terrified me to a point of insanity. My breathing became labored because it felt like I had an unbearable weight on my chest. I tried to hold it together but, in the end, I had to bolt away and pray I didn't get sucked back into the hole I barely escaped the first time around.

I just locked myself in my room with Max and tried to relax. But nothing worked. To control my breathing, I had to dig out the emergency inhaler Nan made me get even though I insisted that my anxiety wasn't that bad anymore. Turns out, I was wrong about that too. Honestly, the only reason Max was in the room because he was a trained service dog. When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I used to be a lot worse and I didn't cope well. So, when Nan got Max she decided to have him trained. Most people think he just had a dog walker but really the trainer was making sure he never forgot his training as a part of his daily exercise routine instead of just taking him for a walk. He was attuned to my body and needs and he was good at calming me down. Eventually, with Max's help, I fell asleep and you know what was waiting for me.

When I woke up the next morning Max was walking around very impatiently. It wasn't about me anymore. He was pissed. But so was I. So, after I threw on some workout tights and a long-sleeved compression shirt, I stood in the mirror fighting my hair into what eventually became a messy top bun. After I gave up I put a head band on and we were on our way. I ran into Reece muttering angrily about TJ in the kitchen but I wasn't really in a mood to talk so I just acknowledged her with a nod before grabbing a sports drink and heading out the door with Max on my heels.

I spent about an hour with Max, just running around and throwing crap for him to bring back before he left me to my own devices. I jogged around to the pond and even through the woods a little, climbing trees and jumping down to the ground before tumbling to a stop. But nothing helped. I felt restless and I knew what I really wanted to do was be wild and reckless for a little bit. It had been a long time since I had the itch but I desperately needed to scratch it. It felt like all this stuff was coming up and I just needed to escape for a while. And after checking in with the horses, I decided to stop putting it off any longer. I took Max back to the house, fed him before I went to my room and started plotting.

There was a notification of action in the shed but I ignored it. I already knew what TJ was doing in my shed. Did he really think that I wouldn't know every move made in my own shed? But I really didn't want to confront him about it because then he would start asking questions and I just really didn't have the time, desire, energy (you pick) to deal with it. I didn't know what he was looking for but I knew he tampered with my security protocols and I knew he was doing some pretty serious hacking. I also knew that during all his hacking he had also started monitoring Bridget and Decker. And when I woke up from yet another nightmare I had simply wormed my way into what he had set up and created a window for me to track them as well on my tablet. It was a decent distraction at the time but like I said, I wasn't about to address it at the moment. So, I avoided it. I sent out a coded message to a friend from the old neighborhood before hopping in the shower. When I'd effectively scrubbed off a layer of skin and conditioned my hair to the hilt I plopped down at my desk.