My Name Is Jasper

Square Nothing

It seems I lost my direction

Don't have the strength to let it slip

Have no desire for the shore

Just let me play here for some time

Spent some quality time

With the demon of mine

"I like the way you struggle

But you know I'm here to win"

Square Nothing - Anders Fridén (57)

Night has fallen. I'm running down the streets towards High Park in Toronto. The half-marathon is only 3 weeks away. It has been a long day, but I mustered the energy for a late-night run. My earbuds blast a playlist of neck breaking and skull crushing metal into my brain. It fires me up and keeps me going.

The park is deserted and everywhere there are little paths that disappear into the darkness. My heartbeat rises as a familiar sensation takes over slowly but steadily: Fear of the dark.

"When the light begins to change I sometimes feel a little strange. A little anxious when it's dark. I have a constant fear that something's always near" (58)

I quicken up my pace, my fists clenched. I'm ready for you.

We have discussed before how fear of obstacles can cripple you and prevent you from reaching your goals. But fear can be good. When you're double-checking you closed the door at night, walking through a dodgy part of town or when you are alone in the woods at night. Fear can drive you on. It is a powerful force. You will always run faster trying to get away from something, than catching it. Being afraid of the dark is quite natural behavior. So I am not embarrassed to acknowledge it. After all, Plato said: "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

The lyrics of the Iron Maiden classic haunt my mind: "Thought you heard footsteps behind. Turned around and no one's there?" The song didn't make the playlist, not extreme enough for my workout. It's one of my father's favourite songs. I think because he relates to the song's metaphor, the fear of death. He shouldn't. "Death isn't really a problem as long as you live, and it doesn't become one once you're dead." (59) Unlike my father, I follow the lyrics more literal. I am afraid of the dark, but it also draws me in. My rational and emotional side fight all the time when the lights go down. Going for an evening run, camping in the woods... I love it, even when I know at one point the fear will start to creep on me.

As a teenager I never imagined my dad would become an Iron Maiden fan. When I was 16, I would blast music at any given time and force-feed a healthy dose of rock and metal to whoever was home. This was how my Dad got exposed to the English Heavy Metal pioneers. "A light in the black, oh what a fear of the dark."

In the following years, I took my Dad to two Iron Maiden shows. Well, technically he took me as he was driving. The second time we drove to Paris, where Maiden were playing the absolutely massive Palais Omnisports de Paris-Bercy. Joining us on this mini road trip was my friend from university Jeremy. He was playing a videogame once that featured a Maiden song. He knew I liked them, so he asked for some more of their music. One year later, he had learned to play the guitar and was as crazy about the band as me. When I got my own guitar much later he recorded a tutorial video for me. Take a wild guess which song.

Jeremy became one of my better friends in university. I'll never forget the times we and some other friends spent at the Belgian coast the summer between graduating and starting our careers. Many nights we either partied or simply sat on the beach with a few bottles of wine, contemplating our student lives and wondering what adulthood would bring.