My Name Is Jasper

Crash This Train

I hope you find what you're lookin' for when it all comes runnin' down

I hope you find it painted black on your window, or the lips of your lover's frown

Cuz if it dies in cold, when the clouds start to roll.

Is it then that your soul, starts to bleed?

Crash This Train - Joshua James (71)

Confidence is a skill. It is not a characteristic. You can learn it, nurture it and train it. Self-trust. It is a very powerful weapon. Especially when looking for a partner. Why do women fall for confident men? It seems like most people agree that they are perceived to be capable of giving protection, security and good life to their loved ones. According to Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of The Myth of Male Power (72), two of the main traits beautiful women are attracted to in men are power and self- confidence. He says "If a man is intimidated by a woman's looks, she assumes he's going to be intimidated by the world in general." Never mind 6-pack abs and a sense of humour. People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone (73).

Confidence does not mean you think you are always right. That would be arrogance. In the end, I find confidence and arrogance to be very similar actually. It's all in the eye of the beholder. For me confidence is a state of mind of someone who enjoys life, who is not afraid of change, who loves the gap.

Trusting yourself, having confidence, its benefits aren't limited when it comes to dating, but it definitely helps. When I was about 14 or 15 years old, I had a crush for quite some time on a girl from my korfball club. At the time I was not confident at all around girls. My plan of attack every party I went to: Stand on the side of the dance floor, act cool and wait for the girl to make a move. Trust me that doesn't work.

This one party, the girl in question was dancing a lot with this one particular guy. We had danced a few times, but now my wallflower tactic was clearly failing. I went up to her, "Hey, can we talk for a second?" In the hallway that lead to the washrooms I was ready to accept my defeat. "Yeah, you're clearly having a good time with that other guy, so I just wanted to tell you I won't bother you anymore" She just smiled at me: "Oh don't be silly, that other guy doesn't mean anything to me like you do! Come. Let's go dancing" She takes my hand and starts to guide me to the dance floor. All the sudden it hits me. This is the opportune moment. I pulled her towards me, held her tight and started to kiss her. From that day on I knew it makes absolutely no sense to wait for a good thing to fall in my lap. Take initiative. And if you feel you don't have the confidence to do so, no worries: you can train that skill. In fact, I'll give you 3 simple tricks you can start using today, that helped me build my confidence over the years.

In the end we only dated for a few months. My first broken heart. Had to happen at one point. It never would have worked out: 10 years later she married her girlfriend. At which point she had already become the best female korfball player Belgium had ever seen.

The first trick is very simple: Smile. Try to smile as much as possible. This might feel a bit strange at first, and it is exhausting! Did you know you use most of the 43 muscles in your face when you are smiling? When you are walking down the street, whether or not you are listening to some sweet playlist, or when you are at work beating deadline after deadline, just smile. Not only will you feel much better, you will also spark a reaction from other people. "What did he do today or last night that makes him so damn happy?" But most importantly, it makes you connect with others. Smiling is the only expression that transcends any culture on our planet. It is a truly universal way of communicating.