My Name Is Jasper

Chant For Ezkaton

Fly, fly high my Black Eagle

Let golden thread bind our eyes

May our minds and hearts blood unite

On your wings carry me over the abyss

Beyond The Reason and across the burning seas

Then, with your claw tear the earth to the halves

And usher me into the secrets of her bowels

Down to the light of the beginning and the end which shimmers

Chant For Ezkaton 2000 – Nergal (336)

"I push my fingers into my eyes, it's the only thing that slowly stops the ache." (337)

I sit at my desk at work. Trying to pay attention to what's happening in this Skype meeting. I feel sick. For the entire morning I've felt like shit. And I know perfectly why: my home was attacked.

It started this morning, well before dawn. Like a hail of bullets, my sleep got shred to pieces by a string of notifications coming from my phone. Ping! Ping-ping-ping! Damnit, let me sleep! Without mercy the execution continued. Ping! What the fuck? Usually birthday notifications come at noon! But these weren't birthday notifications. What day is it? March 22... I only know for sure it is my friend Maxim's birthday. Probably there are more, but definitely not these many. I reached for my phone under a long yawn. One after another Facebook 'I'm safe' messages lit up the screen. Fuck, not again. I took a closer look. So and so are marked safe... during the Brussels terrorist attack. Brussels. Oh please no...

At work it has been almost impossible to be productive in any way. Today is spent, most of my time Skyping with friends and family back home. I learn that bombs went off at the airport – right in front of the Starbucks in the check-in hall – and in a the Maelbeek subway station. My heart skips a few beats. That Starbucks is often frequented by Belgian colleagues as the Microsoft office is less than 5 minutes away. One colleague indeed was caught up in the attack. I might be physically further removed this time, but it all hits me much harder than the Paris attacks.

I feel weird. I wish Julie was here. I wish my family was here. No. I wish I was there. I feel I'm letting my country down. My friends down. My family.

Julie is traveling through the south of France. We both joined my parents, my brother, and his girlfriend, on the annual family ski vacation a few weeks back. I came back to Toronto, she stayed in Europe. She is now officially unemployed and her vagabond life has started. One of my screens at my desk is streaming various news sites. Today should have been remembered for the start of better relations between Cuba and the United States. I guess not...

President Obama is on a historic trip in the beautiful island. From Havana he addressed the united world press. "This is another reminder that the world must unite," he stresses, "We can and will defeat those that threaten the safety and security of people all over the world." It's not even an unforgettable speech, but of all people he makes tears roll down my cheeks. Maybe I just can't pretend anymore I'm not affected. Even in this crowded office, I feel very alone. Weird. An emotional wreck.

Belgian Minister of Justice Koen Geens is interviewed by one of the national networks. He urges the European society to find a balance without turning the continent in a Police State. He says: "We'll always have places where a lot of people come together. We can't sacrifice our soul and values. Just to defend us from aggression. We cannot give into fear." (338) He's right... remember my Diamond Rule from back in Chapter 20?