Feelings Kept Inside

Current Thoughts

Warning I am just ranting right now about what I keep thinking about.

I swear to fucking anything holy that every thing is my fucking fault. I can never do anything right and when I do no one gives two shits because they're too focused about my mistakes that aLREADY HAPPENED AND LITERALLY DONT MATTER AT ALL NOW but do they care? Nooooo cause they expect everyone to be perfect so when I make a mistake they just love to remind me of it for life and not focus on the stuff I actually did RIGHT. I will say though it feels like everything I do is a mistake because lately that's all everyone has ever told me. Everything I do is a mistake. And the more I thought about it...the more I could see how they're right. No matter what I do my parents will never be proud, my friends will make fun of me for anything, and it fucking sucks. It sucks to know that I will never be good enough, that I will never live up to the expectations people put for me. I know that those things don't matter and I tell people that because it's true, but I feel like for me it has to be true. Like for me I feel like I HAVE to live up to those expectations otherwise people not let it go. And, obviously, I failed. Because I'm the same cursed little shit that I am. Yeah, I'm still a curse. I've ALWAYS been a curse. How do I know? Because people are still sad and bad things are still happening. If I just went ahead and died already then shit going on now wouldn't happen, people wouldn't be sad and have to deal with crap. It's because of ME that this shit is happening. Hell, if my suicide attempt was a success back then then maybe my friends wouldn't be dead, David Bowie wouldn't be dead, Alan Rickman wouldn't be dead, and so many other people would be dead. I AM THE FUCKING REASON THAT PEOPLE ARE DYING AND DEALING WITH HARSH PROBLEMS! I AM THE REASON THAT PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING! MY VERY OWN FUCKING EXISTENCE IS A CURSE AND I NEED TO KILL THIS FUCKING CURSE! I NEED TO FUCKING DIE SO PEOPLE WONT SUFFER ANYMORE!