Feelings Kept Inside

Update (2023)

Hello.

I'm starting off by saying that I wrote this back when I was 14-16ish. I'm now 22 and recently I randomly decided to login to my old Wattpad account because I wanted to see the cringe stories I used to read in middle/high school. Sometimes I still read them. Let's be honest, there is some literary gold within the trenches.

However, the point I am making is that I wrote this years ago and left this pretty much completely abandoned. So when I logged back on and read this...I was shocked at myself. I remembered vaguely writing this, essentially, feelings journal but I did not remember what all I wrote. Upon reading them, I began to remember how I felt during that time and what I was going through and it left me in a state of self reflection. I even logged on to see that I had unopened DMs from people asking if I was still OK. And I'm here to say that the answer is yes and no.

If you've read this, are reading this, or remembered reading this then you can get an idea of what I was going through and felt mentally. It was bad. It was very bad. It's why I wrote this to begin with. I was desperate for a space of my own to express my feelings and find solace in others who feel the same way. It helped me feel less alone, less isolated. However, I am also here to apologize on my behalf. 

Re-reading this I didn't realize how explicit some of the things I said were. And while they were true and as accurate as I can remember to how I was feeling, it's triggering. It's also something I should have categorized and warned people better. I've become very big on being careful on what you post online, because while it can help people I also know it can become an unintentional problem.

(For context, I was a victim of the 2013-2015 Instagram and Tumblr culture of posting SH scars for validation and promoting EDs....yeah. You had to be there. Actually don't that shit was fucking weird.)

My second point of this is to say that a lot has happened since my last update. I'll spare the nitty gritty details but basically I did get help. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't glamorous. I went through really hard times to get to where I am. Although, despite it all, I got through it. And I'm still going through it. How? Because mental illness like this stays forever, unfortunately. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. But, I'm also here to say that you don't need to absolutely suffer and be in mental agony forever. I still go through phases where I feel like my world is crumbling and I'm right back where I started. Then, re-reading this I realized while I believe I haven't improved, in the long run, I did. And you can, too.

Recovery isn't linear, you're going to go back and forth, up and down, left right left right ABAB smash attack before you look back and see how far you have come and how much farther you CAN go. I didn't really have a strong support group and had to deal with everything on my own. While I can't help each of you on an individual level, just know that you are NOT alone and you are NEVER alone. There are tons of people who are willing to help or at least willing to listen. Taking the first steps are VERY hard and sometimes it feels like nothing is working, but I believe in everyone who is reading this that they CAN take those first steps and WILL overcome whatever it may be. Large or small, I, a random ass person, believe in you. Best believe that.

Again, I still struggle with my illnesses. I go through periods of relapse and fall so close to the bottom line again, but then I remember how much I've come far and how much it would disappoint younger me to know that in the end, we failed. I wish to keep fighting to heal and show 14-16yo me who was writing this with no hope in the world that even though I am in a shitty situation now, we succeeded. We went past the worse in life. There would and will be many other challenges and situations of impending doom, but if I can sit here and write this and feel genuine about it, then I say we have come very far. 

I am still going to keep this up, because I know it gave comfort to some people and I hope with this final message it can give hope to more people. I will add trigger warnings at the beginning, though.

Life can suck mega dick, and having to deal with your thoughts and own self makes it harder, but it doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't make you a freak or an outcast. You are a fighter, and you are strong. It is not easy to deal with that every day, but every day you still wake up and fight and handle it is another day accomplished. You are all amazing and beautiful people and I hope you all have recovery stories or moments of triumph that you are proud of!

-LovelyLittleReaper

P.S. yes my username was a reference to Black Butler I never said I wasn't slightly cringe.