Feelings Kept Inside

Journal

12:45 am

I hate myself. I don't know how else to put it. I just hate myself. Every fucking day I look in the mirror and ask myself, why? Why was I born the way I was? Why couldn't I be at least somewhat fucking decent to look at? Yes, I will admit, there are times where I feel or look so what pretty or at least slightly less disgusting that I already do, but those moments never last long. Everyday I walk into school thinking that everyone is pointing out my every flaw...that everyone is constantly judging my every move. And I fucking hate it. For one goddamn day I want to not feel like absolute shit and not stress over every fucking thing I do. For ONCE I don't want to look like the fucking scum of the earth, but I know that that will never happen. Because I'll always be like this...ugly and always hated by myself. I just don't know how else to say it other that I hate, no, loathe myself. I'm fucking tired of going into stores and having to look for larger sizes. I'm tired of finding something I like, but then hating it when I put it on me because I make everything ugly. I'm tired of taking selfies that I think are good, but then I find that one thing I hate about it that makes the whole thing shit. I'm tired of feeling my thighs touch when I walk. I'm tired of crying every time I check my weight because I'm a pig. I'm just FUCKING TIRED, okay?! No matter what I fucking do I'm still going to be worthless and pathetic and ugly. I know people who are just "well why don't you exercise?" or "wear more makeup" well, here's the thing, I've tried that and, while it helps at first, it never works and I'm still disgusting. Honestly, I hate myself so much that I physically cannot tell myself that I'm pretty or I'm "beautiful". And when I want to I can't because I'll start choking up and hitting myself for lying, so I always have to say "I'm sort of pretty, but not as pretty as so and so. You'll never be as pretty as them" Seriously! I've had friends force me to "admit" that I'm "gorgeous" and every time I do it takes me like five minutes because I cannot get those words out of my mouth because they're not fucking true, and when I do all I can think about it shooting myself because I told the biggest fucking lie ever. So, here's a tip, if you see me in real life and you give me a compliment and I act awkward about it or deny it, It's because I cannot take compliments without freaking out. Because for so long I've told myself I'm not pretty or good enough that when someone says I am, I don't believe them. Yeah there are times I jokingly say "I'm hot as fuck" or whatever, but I only joking. I never actually mean that shit. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this, though. I guess I just need a rant/vent every now and then. Sorry for wasting your time if I did. I needed to get this out otherwise I would've begun going crazy.

-LovelyLittleReaper

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EDIT: I wrote this as, obviously, like a journal entry/rant thingy. My mind was in one of those stages where my thoughts were just everywhere (more so that usual) and I needed someway to get at least some of those thoughts out otherwise I would have ended up doing some not nice things to myself. I wasn't really trying to make anything or go anywhere with this other than to empty put some of my screaming thoughts. So really, I kinda just jotted down what was going through my head at the moment, nothing else. Sorry if this seems weird or doesn't make sense or whatever.