Living Again

Chapter Fifteen

"If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them." 

― Michael Bassey Johnson, The Infinity Sign

When I was younger, all alone, I could have never thought I would be here today. I never thought that I would have a mother or father, or any siblings, or love. I was just surviving, not living. But that changed a year ago when I was blessed with a miracle. But now, my life was interfering with my love. With everything that has happened in the past couple month, it's really starting to put life perspective.

I just got a family and it was almost ripped away from me. Now, with the days looming, I was having it ripped away from me again. But I had to put my foot down. I had to fight. But fighting was only going to hurt because it was changing my future, my everything. I swung myself on the chair looking out into the distance. This place was my home. I felt a hand on my shoulder causing me to jump and my train of thought was derailed. Jessa looked down at me worried. "Amira, are you alright?" I shrugged.

"Jessa, I don't think I can do this." She sat down taking my hands.

"Do what?"

"I don't think I can leave." Her face softened when she realized what I was talking about. "I can't leave. I just can't." She took me into her arms as tears started to stream down my face. She pulled back and took my face into her hands.

"You do not have to leave if you don't want to." I shook my head.

"But Gunner needs to. He has to leave so he can succeed." She gave me a sad smile and wiped my eyes.

"Then you let him. Do not do something that will hurt you just because that is something that he needs." I closed my eyes. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Gunner has made me who I am today but now, I needed to do what's best for me, no matter how hard it is going to be.

"How am I supposed to let him go. I love him so much."

"I know, baby, but you will find a way. You cannot let that control your life. You need to live for you, not Gunner. You will find a way that is best for both of you. But you need to do it soon, so you can both make up your minds on what you want to do." I nodded. She's right. I need to rip the Band-Aid off. I needed to do it now. I sat up.

"I'll go do it now." My chest burned with the emotions that were coursing through my body. I had to do what was right. Aspen lifted his head to look at me before stretching. I needed to get this over with. I know the pain was coming but right now I was going to embrace it. I walked over to Gunner's house. My nerve was there, and I was starting to worry I was going to lose it. Gunner was working on his car in the driveway. I took a deep breath. I can do this. I have to do this.

"Gunner?" He poked his head out from under the car and smiled.

"Hey, Tinks, I didn't know you were coming over." I did not know how I was going to live without that face. I loved him so much. I can do this. I have to do this. It might kill me, but I have to do this. His smile dropped when I didn't smile back. He got out and stood up. "What's wrong?" I took a deep breath.

"Gunner, we need to talk." He tried to take my hand, but I shoved them in my pockets. I will break if he touched me, I knew it.

"Amira, what's wrong?" His face was full of confusion. I needed to do this. I had to do this.

"Can we walk?" He nodded, his eyes never leaving my face. We walked in silence for a bit before I was able to get a burst of courage. "I can't do it, Gunner." He gave me a confused look. "I can't leave." His face dropped, and he stopped walking.

"Amira" His chest rose quickly. "Please don't say that." I shook my head.

"I have to. I can't leave. Not after everything that happened. I have to stay with my family." His eyes shot back and forth over my face as his mind raced.

"We can work it out. We can still go." I shook my head.

"I can't. I've thought this through for weeks. I just can't Gunner." He swallowed.

"Okay. We'll stay. We can figure it out." I shook my head again.

"I don't want you to stay. You need to go." He shook his head.

"I need you more." I put my hand on his face.

"No, Gunner, I need you to go. You need this. This is your chance." His eyes glazed over as the tears started to form.

"Amira, please." I shook my head and kissed his cheek.

"Go. Become the man I know you can be. You can become great and you can do it without me. You have to." My hand fell from his face. My chest hurt so much. "You need to go." He stepped back.

"I thought you loved me." I gave him a sad smile.

"I love you so much that I need to let you go." He didn't respond. He just walked away. This was it. We were done. I watched him walk back to his house and slam the door. There was no more us. I sat down on the curb and put my head into my hand. I sobbed. Aspen curled into my side. I cuddled dog until the tears stopped. I knew this was what had to be done, but why did it hurt so much. Why did it have to happen this way? What was I going to do? I was no longer going to college. My life was up into the air. I walked back home, my spirits crushed. Jessa stood there with a cup of tea in her hands.

"How'd it go?" I just shrugged as the tears started again. "Oh Amira." She took me into her arms. "It's all going to be alright." She rocked be back and forth. I knew it was going to be alright. It had to. I've been through worse, but this time I'm not alone. I loved Gunner with my whole heart. I couldn't let him stay. I knew he was going places and I couldn't be the reason he didn't.

I sat by my window by myself for the next couple days. I didn't really want company. I didn't want to do anything. The crushing reality of my loss finally hit me. I was alone again. There was no more Gunner. I watched him pack his car to leave. Jessa said that Mr. Byrne was able to full some strings and got Gunner into his dream school, where he was originally going to go to before he changed his mind to go to Denver with me. He's going to do great things, whether I'm there or not there. He's going to the University of Michigan and play hockey like he's always dreamed of. Gunner looked up before he got into the car and our eyes connected. This could be the last time I saw him. After spending all our time together since I came to Washington, this was the end of the chapter. Gunner and I's chapter was over, but the book wasn't. I had a feeling that one day we will meet again. Whether it be in months, or years, or maybe even decades. I would see the man who took my heart with him. I gave a same wave before he shook his head and got into the car. Good-bye Gunner. I love you.

I felt eyes on my and turned to look at Arabelle. I raised my eyebrow at her, almost surprised that she turns up now.

"I'm sorry. I heard what happened with Gunner and you." I didn't answer her. She left when I needed her. Like I didn't just find out that I had a sister when she did. "I know you can't forgive me, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay." She played with her fingers nervous. It's not her fault. Life's sucked lately. I patted the spot next to me. I didn't need to cut everyone out of my life. Not now.