phan // one-shots

Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

summary: a very hungover dan wakes up in a dodgy back-alley somewhere in london and can't quite remember how he got there (a.k.a sian is absolute trash and couldn't care less) 
word count: 2k
a/n the title and this entire one-shot is from panic!'s new song "don't threaten me with a good time" which is off the amazing new album I basically haven't stopped listening to (I strongly suggest you listen to it before/during reading as there are a lot of references and yeah it's just a pretty great song) ^-^ 

Dan is very, very drunk.
He means, he doesn't exactly remember passing out in a drain pipe somewhere in a back alley of London after emptying a bar of its liquor supply – he swears, he was just going to have a shot or two, but the concrete he's currently pressing his face against seems to suggest he did otherwise. He knows that this is wrong, and that's about it because Dan is very drunk, like can't-even-speak-without-throwing-up-drunk.

With his vision slightly blurry at the edges and head pounding he sits up, groaning, trying to piece together at least some memory of what actually happened last night (or this morning, he guesses – dawn is only just beginning to streak the sky.) And sure enough, memories start to pop up.

He remembers a swimming pool, which probably explains why his shirt is still slightly damp and his hair is a hobbit mess. He remembers things getting slightly out of hand, dancing on a table with a cane and a party hat. He remembers a pair of amazing blue eyes but he can't quite recall who they belonged too - he remembers a lot of people, actually, all with blurry faces, a lot of champagne and...a wedding gown? Shit. He didn't marry anyone, did he? That would just be ironic. Looking around and trying to work out where in the world he actually is, Dan suddenly becomes quite aware of the fact that he's wearing nothing but underwear from the waist down.
Oh. Jesus, what happened last night?

Dan groans again, cheeks angrily stained red, glad apparently no-one is here to see him, Dan Howell, slumped against a random gutter in his underwear next to a pair of high-heels and an overturned shopping cart (quite frankly, Dan doesn't even want to know). He especially doesn't want any of his so-called "friends" to find him, because this is the last thing he wants to be remembered for – trying to get over the worst break-up of his life by getting completely wasted in pretty much every expensive bar in the city. Because now, Dan just so happens to remember what he was drinking to forget in the first place.

He was never intending it to end like this, really – looking back, Dan was planning on spending his first night sleeping alone in three years wallowing in a fine balance of self-loathing, Adele songs and champagne induced blurriness. The party had been a previous engagement for an expected celebration that his friends had forced him to still go to, oh, wrong choice of words, Dan winces, engagement, because it really wouldn't have been so bad if last night wasn't the night Dan was meant to propose.

Sarah. Sarah probably knew that he was planning it, and she did it just to spite him, because that sweet kind girl he'd met in his third year university law lecture and fallen in love with wasn't Sarah. Not anymore. Sarah was the girl who'd just sigh whenever he tried to do something romantic for her or insist on having the same fight over and over again or cheat on Dan with some guy who had a massive forehead and tell Dan she was sorry in a voice that really didn't sound like she was sorry at all. He'd thought proposing might fix everything, but when he'd found her kissing that same guy in the corridor of their apartment complex Dan had finally admitted there was nothing left to fix, and had tried to fill his empty heart with liquor. Oh.

That's when Dan realises that his life is basically in ruins, and suddenly wishes he's a lot more drunk than he actually is, which would be very, very hard. Things are still missing, like this brick wall in his head, but that doesn't matter now. All he wants to do is forget again.