Perfect Imperfections (n.h a.u)

Chapter 32

>>she's talking to angels, counting the stars making a wish on a passing car she's dancing with strangers, falling apart waiting for Superman to pick her up in his arms, in his arms waiting for Superman<<

It's been just over a month. Still nothing. I was getting getting told later today what my current grades looked like, because I needed to know whether I was going to be able to go to Japan for the internship. The semester was far from over, but I had to find out to make arrangements for traveling and accommodation. I've been studying day and night. Putting all I have into my work. I'm still waiting for him. I barely see him. I don't even think he's living in the same building. I don't see him in class. He either comes extremely early and sits at the back from what Maya has told me or he doesn't come at all. I know he's avoiding me. He's avoiding the awkward conversation we'd have to make if we bumped into each other, and I knew this because I was doing the exact same thing. I asked Maya if she knows when he comes to class and I always make sure I'm a few minutes late. I know he sees me, I just never see him. I see his blonde hair in the corridors but he's always ahead of me and before I know it he's gone. I want to explain, but I'm afraid. Afraid of rejection, again. Afraid he doesn't love me. Maybe he didn't love me, maybe it was all just load of bullshit. Love at first sight. Maybe he didn't believe in it and he made me believe it, and then when I did it broke me. This is why I don't love easily. He came into my life and tore apart everything. My time with him I cherish and remember every day, and I miss him. I miss him so much, but maybe we just aren't meant to be. He changed me. He changed the way I thought, the perspective I saw things, my routine.

But now, I'm back and in full swing. I run for an hour every morning and every evening. Much more than what I used to. I study all night. Barely go out. To say Maya is worried is an understatement. She asks me every single day whether I've eaten and how many hours I've slept.

I don't sleep. When I do, he fills my dreams. I wake up crying, a pain in my chest, tugging at my heart strings every second. I don't eat. When I do, I binge and it just comes straight back out. I'm not proud of it. But it's the only option I have. Well that's what I've convinced myself. I've lost weight, and fast. My jeans barely fit, my shirts hang on me. Nothing fits, just like my life. I barely speak to my mom, dad, Jason, Mel. They call, it's a few minutes of talking and then I make an excuse of having to leave. I think they know something is wrong, but they haven't questioned it yet. Jason nags everyday. I've had to convince him a few times not to come and visit. I don't need him. I don't need anyone. I'm on a journey to escape. Just a couple more months.

It's been worse the past couple of days, since Valentine's Day had just passed. I cried the entire day. I never left my bed. I didn't eat. Barely slept. Just cried. I was a mess. And I was broken. I needed him. I loved him.... love him.

I was rushing around trying to get to my next class with Mr Marx. I needed to know. I ran into the class, knowing I was late.

"Miss Monroe, it's lovely to know you've joined us. See me after class! Sit down." He instructed rather strictly.

I rushed to my seat. The class went by, I didn't concentrate a lot but I'd just study the section twice as hard when the next test or essay is coming up. I dared myself to look around the class in search of him. He wasn't anywhere to be seen.

It was the end of class and I made my way down to the front of the class.

"I've got your results Miss Monroe." Mr Marx handed me a sheet.

I looked down and opened it. My heart sank.

"You've flunked two classes. I'm sorry."