The Muffin Man ✓

The Hell?

"So," Liam leaned on the wall over Miss Tall and Gorgeous. "Traveling far?"

"Sure am, sugar," she smiled down at him.

Liam snuck a look down her crop top. She was a little flatter than he would have liked but that was okay. Maybe later on in their relationship he could spring for some fake boobs. She did have some weird tattoos. What were those, birds?

"So what's going on?" she said, removing her shades.

Liam was lost in her amazing green eyes. There was something familiar about them. "I'm a cop.  Detective Liam Payne. I'm trying to capture these pot dealers."

She widened her eyes. "Really? How's that working out?"

"I'll catch them," Liam boasted. "They're not clever enough to outsmart me."

She smirked for a moment before touching his arm. "Well I think it's a great thing that you're a cop. I feel so safe and protected. Best of luck catching them."

Liam felt flattered. However he thought she snickered a bit. Must be nervous.

"Listen," Liam said. "Why don't you give me your name and number. I definitely want to get to know you better."

She kept staring at him in disbelief. "Seriously?"

"I mean it," Liam insisted. "You're the most breathtaking, beautiful woman I have seen, ever."

"Wow," the woman said. "I can honesty tell you, no one has ever told me that."

"I can't believe that." Liam snuck a look around her skimpy crop top. He saw a butterfly tattoo above her belly. "What's your name?"

"Uhhh," the woman looked like she was in deep thought. "Oh whatever. Just call me Harriette." She threw out.

"Harriette." Liam took her tattooed hand. "A pleasure." He kissed the back of it.

Zayn rushed over. "Boss!" He tugged at Liam's arm as Harriette threw on her large shades. "Boss, we need to talk."

"Not now," Liam hissed at him. "I'm kinda busy now."

"Boss, it's important."

"So's this."

Zayn managed to drag Liam away. "Boss, you have to listen to me. That's not who you think. That's Har--"

"Harriette, yes, I know." Liam said. "And you're killing my action."

Zayn looked at him as if he was the biggest idiot in the world. "But boss, that's. . ."

"The future Mrs. Payne," Liam hissed. "So get lost and let me do my thing."

Zayn threw up his hands in disgust. "Wow. Whatever you say." He gave Harriette a scowl. She blew him a kiss in return.

Liam returned to his woman. "Now," he leered at her while rubbing his hands. "Where were we?"

"I was about to give you my number, sugar." Harriette smiled at him. She rummaged through her purse before pulling out a Sharpie. She took Liam's hand and wrote something in his palm. Then she gave it a kiss. "Call me anytime, sugar."

Liam looked at her. "Really?"

"Really." Harriette looked at his watch. "Oh dear. I must go."

Liam held her hands between his own. "Will I see you again?"

Harriette placed her hands on his cheeks. "Sugar, let me give you something to remember me by," With that, she gave Liam a huge sloppy kiss, with lots of tongue.

"Oh man." Liam was left breathless.

Harriette blew him a kiss. "That oughta tide you over until we meet again. Farewell for now, Liam." She walked away, stumbling on her heels along the way.

Liam sighed again, touching his lips. Ah, what a woman!

Zayn returned, clapping his hands. "Bravo. Excellent performance."

"What are you talking about?"

"Clueless much? Think, boss. Didn't she seem familiar to you? At all?"

Liam thought for a minute. "Kinda, why?"

"Like the tattoos? Like an anchor on the hand?"

The anchor on the hand, the anchor on the hand. That was familiar. Liam set his mind on rewind. He knew someone with an anchor tattoo. But who?

Wait!

That pregnant lady in the park.

Who turned out to be. . .

Then he realized something.

The old man in line. That was Emma.

The nun with the One Direction bag. Ariana.

That butt ugly pregnant woman had to be Niall.

And that beautiful woman. . .

No! It couldn't be!

Liam suddenly looked at the number written in his hand. It read:

1-800-suck-my-dick.

(wow, you're too dumb to be stupid XD)

(The following has been censored for the protection of the readers.)

Meanwhile Harriette, also known as Harry, approached the gate. As he handed his ticket, he heard the sweet sounds of Liam's voice.

"HARRRYYYY!!!"

Harry lowered his shades and peered in the direction where the yelling was coming from. "You wanna hurry that up, sugar?" he said to the attendant.

He could hear footsteps running down the hall. "Don't let that son of a bitch get away, dammit!"

When Harry turned the corner he kicked off his heels and ran like hell down the hall to the plane. Inside he ran down the aisle to his seat next to the old man that was already let through by Liam.

"You're late," said the old man/Emma.

"Yeah, we've been waiting." said pregnant lady/Niall. "I had to put up with my bratty nephew before his folks finally got him"

"Chill, I kinda got held up." Harry said, readjusting his huge wig. "I gotta tell you, it's lucky we got Detective Liam Payne on our butts. We would've been in jail ages ago."

"Amen to that." Emma said.

Liam was running down the gate. He had to pause a couple of times to catch his breath. Zayn was right behind him. When they got to the gate, the door was closing.

"Stop!" Liam gasped, bending over again to get his breath. "Stop that plane."

"I'm sorry sir," the attendant said. "That plane just took off."

Liam stood there in disbelief. How? How could this happen? How did they manage to pull a fast one on him. More importantly, how the hell did he miss the clues? How, how?

He thought about Harriette. She was so gorgeous, so beautiful. How did she end up to be that Harry Styles? Okay so she was taller than most girls, and had a deeper voice. But other than that, how did he not know?

He remembered her kiss. Ewww, that was Harry! He started spitting. Ewwww, eccchhh!

"Boss, stop that spitting." Zayn said.

"Why didn't you tell me those people were fakes?" Liam demanded.

Zayn looked at Liam for a moment. "Boss," he said. "I quit the force. I want a normal life with my girlfriend. And you're an idiot."

What a great day, Liam thought.