It's not 150 when I'm posting this but tomorrow (March 31st) is 150x and I just couldn't wait.
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To celebrate making it to 150x (yes it's really been that long) I've decided to answer a question that I thought of, so that I could vent and so that a certain someone will know why I don't talk to certain other someone anymore (you'll know at the end) so here we go, it's not you its me, or is it you? I don't know whatever here you go potatoes.
If I could go back in time and change what happened, would I? If I could go back and instead of walking I would call, or choose not to go would I do that instead?
The answer is no. I would not choose any different outcome, other then reaching my destination of course. No, I would not choose to keep my mouth shut about the secret boyfriend thing, I would still tell Charlie that Dawn knew. Not because it didn't hurt to temporarily loose my best friend... That hurt to much. I would never wish it on my worstest enemy. I would still run, I would still leave, I would still go.
I don't quite remember how many people know this, but at any rate you know now.
I would still go, because it prevented something truly catastrophic. It's taken me awhile to realize just exactly what it meant, at the time and now... But now I do know, so here we go, big reveal time now.
The night I ran, was the night he was going to run.
(He called me a teller anyway so what does it matter if I put this here.)
Who? He who? Whaaaaat? It's a long (ish?) story so here we go...
Way before I ran, before all the things with my friends happened, I was talking to Luke. He told me, he was going to run away, to a forest, and build a cabin. It didn't sink in until after I talked to him that he really was, going to run away. He showed me a map, and told me about all the things he was going to do. Every week he went to the YMCA with his family, he would sneak out, go to the bank and take out money. The bank lady wouldn't let him take out all his money (thank God or else he would have gone sooner) so he had to take it out a little each time.
One week I remember seeing him, it was a Wednesday. He told me on his way to the bank this week that he had run into a guy looking to buy drugs. It was very amusing. I was so caught up in listening to him, and being nice that I didn't tell him straight to his face that I didn't say he shouldn't go... I regret this, but it's in the past.
I remember the day he got all of his money out of the bank... He told me he was going to go soon. I started freaking out, realizing that he really is doing this. Even though all along I knew... I knew he really was going to go. But what could I do, tell on him? No no, you don't do that.
I barely remember the day, other then that strange phone call. I was laying on the coach downstairs, I had been there the whole day because I was sick. The phone rings... Once... Twice... My dad answers it. I hear him say "Hello Luke!" but then he passes the phone to me. My brother and father are downstairs with me, and I know that they will ask me what we talked about. But I couldn't move, I was sick.
Luke's voice sounded uncomfortable on the phone, more then normal. I said hello, I could hear him hesitating.
"I got all my money out of the bank..." He says. I can tell he doesn't know how to phrase what he's about to say next. I can't tell him not to go, if I do everyone will find out, and how much trouble will I get in for knowing, and not having said anything for the last few months. We had been communicating through email, I had given it to him one of the times he had been talking about running.
"I'm going to go." He says quietly. I freeze, he's going now what can I do what can I do...
"I'm downstairs, I've been sick all day." I reply, hoping he can understand what I mean by that. My brother and father were looking at me eagerly, ready to hear the juiciest scoops from my phone conversation with this guy.
After a few more moments we say goodbye and hang up. I try my hardest to control my facial expression, but I know that if anything showed they wouldn't think it a reaction to finding out the guy I've had an on and off crush on for years is running away, never to come back. I take a deep breath.
My father turns to me, a smirk on his face.
"Why did Luke call? What did you talk about?" He asks, and I say the first thing that comes to mind.
"Oh he just wanted to know the next time Tom and I could come over, maybe Sunday..." I say, hoping it will close the conversational door. He will probably tell my mother, but I'll just answer with the same thing.
I cringe as I get the urge to gag again, having felt this way on and off for the whole day. I wait a little bit, and my brother and father leave the room, what they went to do I don't know. I quickly pull out my phone, I'm freaking out. I know that if he goes no one will be able to find him, except maybe me. I text one of my friends saying that he was leaving tonight. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it he was saying he was gonna go for like three-four months it was stressing me out so bad. I didn't know if he was leaving today or tomorrow, the whole time. I couldn't not vent to one of my friends. (However people were busy sometimes so...)
After I had calmed down a little I made up my mind to try and stop him, the only way I knew how. Maybe I hadn't told him I didn't want him to go before because he wouldn't have listened, unless there was a really good reason. My really good reason was confessing to a crush I'd had on him for a really long time... I thought it would work.
I text my friend, saying I'm going to do it. I have no other options I just hope he gets it before he goes. I type up an email, telling him that I don't want him to go, because I like him... I forget what he answered back, but I know for sure he did not answer with "I've liked you too." I'm pretty sure actually that he answered with "don't worry this won't make things awkward between us." Which now I'm smacking myself in the face for being blinded by like, to not see how utterly lame..... Just, lame.
The next time I see him, nothing's changed for him. He still acted the same way.
And then queue the fight with Charlie...
I go. Then a few weeks later he tells me he was going to go, THE SAME NIGHT I DID.... THE SAME NIGHT I RAN! And I knew that nobloody would have found him!
So that is why I will never go back in time and change that night. Because then he would be gone, and I would feel horrible. I would rather live with the pain of walking in the dark continuously for six (A/N: Seven) hours alone then put that on anybody else. I'm already broken so what's a little bit more.
So I'm glad it was me... But it made me realize, that I didn't mean enough to him for him to stay. I'm just an other one of his friends that's a girl that has a crush on him. That to him I don't mean enough to stay.
I remember when I was hardcore trying to find out if he liked me back, because I was so desperate to just know! I have a thing with not knowing things, and if you don't know if your crush likes you wouldn't you like to find out? So I sent my brother on a mission to find out if he liked me, or who he did like. Well turns out he's liked all my friends at one point or an other... So what does that say.
It's not that he's bad, or a horrible guy... Maybe it's because he didn't like me back or maybe I used to like him so I don't know what he's actually like... I don't really know I'm just publicly venting/processing all of this.
At the moment I don't talk to him, and I try to avoid him. Ever since that night, and ever since I realized he doesn't like me back, broken hearts etc etc yeah. Maybe the next one will like me back, but whatever.
Okay well... Now you guys know why I wouldn't change leaving, and why I'm not talking to him anymore, because I don't like him anymore. If you have anymore questions feel free to ask.
Peace out, and see you later.
P.s. Later I told my dad that he was planning to run away that very night. Like lied and said that I lied, but I didn't know until a couple months after when my mom told me.
