If This Was A Movie - A Joshifer Fanfiction

Chapter 17

Emotions envelop me. Panic, fear, and sadness are the immediate emotions that I feel. I feel as if everything else has gone slack, and like my life is ending. I feel horrible, I feel like my body is just a mechanism for my soul that has become empty and unable to control it anymore. I feel as if my life is flashing before my eyes, even though it's isn't. My Father has is dying. My Father. The man who had always pushed me to be a strong person and who knew that I would turn out as one. The man that believed in me since the very first day. He's dying. My eyes blur with tears and I begin to sob. My knees buckle and I fall to the ground in the parking lot. Tears stream rapidly down my face. And then I'm yelling. Yelling at whatever has caused my father to be dying. Maybe even yelling at my mother, who unfortunately had to bear the bad news to me. I then remember that she's still on the other end of the phone. "Mom... I--" I begin, sobs breaking my sentence. "I'm coming home. To Louisville." I say, still sobbing. "Jen, I know you have press to finish in New York..." My mom says on the other line. "Mom. This is a family emergency. I can't just sit here while my Father is dying!" I say, suddenly growing angry. "Jennifer, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to tell you so soon but he's getting worse and... There might not be much longer left." She says. I can tell that she's fighting back tears. She pauses for a few seconds, to regain her composure, and continues. "I bought a plane ticket for you to come to Louisville from New York, knowing that you'd want to come immediately. The flight time is only an hour and a half, so you could be here by the time today is over." She says frantically. I'm barely processing her words. Shock hearing about his condition has overwhelmed my senses. I can only force a small "okay" out of my mouth in reply. And then a question comes to mind. "Mom... Why is... Why is he dy--" I try to get out of my mouth. Why is he dying? What happened? But I can't form the words. My mom interrupts me mid sentence though, explaining. "His heart hasn't been stable lately, Jennifer. I think I told you that before but it's gotten much worse. There was one day where he only moved a few times in the entire day. I was so nervous, but it seemed to pass. About a week later... He had a heart attack. He was emitted to the Emergency Room and put on life support and he was doing better. We were optimistic, but then he started getting bad again." She says, pausing here and there to cry. I wish I could reach out and hug her. "And now... And now he's in a coma. And the doctors don't think he'll come out of it." And that very last part is where we both break down and start to sob again. My mother first, and then I follow. The tears have continued to fall down my face but the sobbing had stopped while I was listening to her speak. An empty place in my chest digs it's way in and plants itself there. The emptiness is growing as we sob together. "But... His fight isn't over yet. He's still in there, somewhere, right? Trying to find his way back to us." I say shakily, trying to reassure both my mother and myself. It's not working. I'm still crying. I suddenly hear commotion on my Mom's side of the phone. Shouting. I can't tell if it's out of happiness or sadness. I suddenly get hopeful. Maybe he's okay... Or maybe he's gotten worse. My hope fades away. My mom says something to someone other than me on her line of the phone. "Jen, something's going on with Gary. I have to go now, but once you get here you'll find out what's going on. I love you, and I know your Dad does too." She says hurriedly. "I love you too. See you soon." I say. She hangs up on the other line and I do too. I quickly tell Amanda what happened and soon I'm in the car, driving back to the airport. Amanda sits in the passengers seat and is making quick calls to people. She says to each one of them in a monotone voice that 'Ms. Lawrence will unfortunately be unable to attend your event due to a family emergency'. I madly drive to the airport, nearly running over a few pedestrians and getting a lot of honks.
We finally get to the airport after only about fifteen minutes of driving. I guess I drive really fast and really crazy. That's new.
I get out of the car, followed my Amanda, and am met by paparazzi. I didn't bother to put on sunglasses or a hat, so my puffy eyes are clearly showing. And this time I don't even try to resist the urge to flip them off. There aren't any fans right now so I don't have to stop and talk to them; I usually would like it but right now I'm anxious and scared about my Father.
"We want to get you to your Dad faster so we're having you ride on a private jet instead." Amanda tells me under her breath. I nod as she leads me to the entrance of the terminal. Within minutes, we're both on board. I sit down in one of the plane seats and then the plane takes off immediately. Finally having time to relax, emotions overwhelm me. Stress, fatigue, sadness and fear threaten to tear me apart. Sometimes I think about emotions as I would the ocean; they rise and they fall, but they never leave. You always feel some kind emotion. Much like that, the ocean rises and falls in level but it's always been there and always will be there. Right now, the swirling ocean of emotion inside of me is rising too fast. So fast that I feel suffocated by it. Only a little over an hour ago my biggest concern was getting through an interview with a woman who couldn't care less, and now I'm worried about the state of my Father's life. I guess that goes to show that someone always has it worse than you. I just didn't realize that until I was here.
And then the emotion levels get too high. I feel as if I'm drowning. My stomach knots and I suddenly feel sick. I feel on the cusp of fainting, but I will myself to stay here. I have to be strong. I have to be strong, for him. For my Dad, who has fought so hard to keep his life.
And then I realize that being strong isn't always keeping your emotions inside and bottled up. Sometimes the most powerful strength is to let out your emotions and cry. And that's what I do; cry. Tears are streaming down my face that I don't even notice. I look down at my top and notice that it's stained with tears of mascara. But I don't care. And then I lose my breakfast, thankfully pulling out a bag in time. Amanda glances over at me from across the aisle, concerned. I look at her while I'm crying and make no effort to hide the emotion that so clearly plays across my face. She reaches across the aisle and puts her hand on my arm in a comforting gesture. This reminds me of something my parents would do when I came home from school so many years ago crying about bullies. It feels better to have support from someone, but I still feel horrible. I still feel like I'm slowly dying. I feel empty and worthless. I don't regard myself that way but the empty pit in my chest seems to have enveloped me now, and I feel helpless. I feel as if I'm a little tiny grain of sand against a tornado that will inevitably sweep me away.
My phone buzzes in my purse, but I don't bother to look at it. Whoever it is can wait. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I feel completely closed up, and my sadness and helplessness turns to anger. At whoever is calling me. At whatever heart disease will probably cost my father his life. At the coma that has taken over him. At--
My phone buzzes again. And again. I'm tempted to throw my purse across the plane, but decide the better of it. Instead, I angrily snap open my purse and take out my phone. The screen appears blurry, and then I realize that it's the tears that blanket my eyes. I try to blink them away, but they end up falling down my face instead. The messages popping up on my phone are now visible, though. It's Josh. Jen, can you talk now? The first one says. No, I cannot. Weirdo? Are you there? Maybe not. Jen, are you okay? The final one reads. And then a call comes in from Josh. And the selfie of us smiling together in our Katniss and Peeta costumes comes up. My vision blurs with tears as my phone continues to ring. I do not pick it up. And Josh doesn't give up. The first call rings about eight times before I hit the voicemail button. Just after, he calls again. This time, I immediately hit the voicemail button. And then he calls again. I decide to pick it up this time. "Josh, what?" I say, angrily. "Hello to you too, Weirdo." He says. He sounds as if he's holding back laughter. "I mean it. What do you want from me?" I say, void of any emotion. Except anger, of course. "Jen... Are you okay? What's going on? I just wanted to tell you that I'm in the terminal leaving for New York soon." He says. And then I break down and start crying again. I make no effort to try and hide my sobs on the call. It won't work. Josh's voice softens as he says his next words. "Oh my god! Jen! What happened?" He says, immediately concerned. So I explain it. How my Mom called and said that my dad was dying, and how I reacted, why I acted so moody when I answered his call, and finally that I'm on a flight to Louisville. Josh stays quiet as I tell the story. "Jennifer, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through. I wish I was there to comfort you. I know you need that right now. Just know that I love you, okay? I love you more than anything, Jennifer. And I would do anything I could to protect you from this situation, but I can't do much... What I can do, though, is come to be with you. Come to Louisville." He says. Even though he's not actually here with me, I feel his love through his voice. When he says those words, I love you, I can hear that he means it. And I know that he does. "I love you too, Josh." I say, love echoed back in my voice. "But... Josh... About you coming... You still have press to do in New York. They can't miss both of us, and... I don't know. I mean, I would love if you came but..." I trail off, unsure what to say. I linger in silence for a long time, until Josh pipes up. "Jen, if you don't want me to come you can just tell me that." He says defensively. "Josh! No! Please don't think that!" I say immediately. "I just... I'm so stressed out... I feel like I'm drowning--" I'm cut off by a sob making it's way through my throat. I try to regain strength to continue. Taking a shaky breath, I say. "I just... I want it to be your decision. I don't want to make any decisions right now. I'm worried sick about my Father, just cut me some slack." I say, getting angry again. God, I'm extremely moody. I take another breath to calm myself down. "Miss Lawrence, we're preparing to land." The copilot says back to me. I nod. "Josh, I have to go. I'm sorry. I have to land." I say. "I love you. Stay alive, and make whichever decision you want." I say. He chuckles when I say stay alive. A reference to our movies here and there doesn't hurt. I weakly smile at his laughter and then hang up the phone.
And then I'm disembarking the plane. People stare at me and point, but no paparazzi are here. Thank god. I slip on a pair of sunglasses to hide my crying eyes and walk into the airport terminal. As Amanda leads me through the crowds of people, I hear whispers. "That's Jennifer Lawrence! Did you hear about her father?" One girl whispers. I whip my head around and find that she's only a few feet away from me. Her friend replies. "Oh, yes of course. Everyone here should know by now. We were the first to hear the unfortunate news." Unfortunate news? Oh no. Oh no. What happened? Did he--
My thoughts are cut off by the sounds of whistling all around me. As I look around, I see that everyone in the terminal has dropped their bags and holds their left hands up in the three finger salute from The Hunger Games. I recognize the whistling as the Mockingjay whistle, or Rue's melody. Goosebumps spread across my body. And then I smile, a real smile, for the first time since I found out about my Dad's health. I know that my voice won't come out strong, but I speak. "Thank you. I love you." I say, trying to project my worn voice. It sounds weak, but I truly mean the words when I say them. Just to know that people care about my situation and what I'm going through honestly means the world to me. I want to sign autographs for every one of them and to tell them individually how much I love them and care about them, but I can't. My dad could be dead right now, and I need to be with my family. I scan the room before Amanda pulls me forward, trying to look each and every one of them in the eye. I'm pulled away from them and into a taxi with Amanda, since there's no way to get a car to us here. The taxi driver's eyes widen as he sees who I am. I give him the address of the hospital and tell him to drive very fast to it. He agrees and we're there in five minutes; it'd usually take about twenty according to my phone but... Well, let's just say that our taxi driver broke a few traffic laws. As we arrive, I thank him graciously and hand him a thousand dollars. Yes, a thousand dollars. He works such a small job and probably doesn't get payed much so I figured I'd help him out a bit. He looks up at me, wide eyed. "Ma'am, I believe you've given me too much. This is a thousand dollars." He says, in awe. "Keep it, okay? You deserve a lot more than what you get." I say, smiling at him. He says something to me as I walk away, I think he says bless you, but I'm now running to the hospital. Amanda has to race to keep up with me because I'm sprinting to the doors now. I'm out of breath by the time the lady at the front desk asks me why I'm here. "I'm here to see Lawrence, Gary. I believe my mother, Karen Lawrence, is here as well." I say, trying to catch my breath. She looks at me for a moment and then begins to speak. "Your mother is just outside his room in the hall. He's in Hall B, room 1." She says, gesturing over for a nurse to lead us there. I glance over at Amanda. "I... I guess I should go, Jen. I know that you want to be with your family right now." She says seriously. I reach out and hug her. She's been like a sister to me for as long as I've had her as my security guard. I can't truly let my Dad pass without knowing that she's by my side too. As we're hugging, she whispers something in my ear. "I know this is hard for you, Jen. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Your Father is the father for me that I never had, this is hard for me too. It'll be okay, I promise you." She says. "Thank you." I whisper back to her. We break apart and Amanda goes and sits down in the waiting room. The nurse leads me to Hallway B, Room 1. As soon as we get into the hallway, I see my mother huddled with Ben and Blaine outside of my Dad's room. I begin to run to her. She sees me and runs to be too. We meet in am embrace, quickly breaking apart. "Mom! Oh my god! What happened? I've been worried sick about what you told me on the phone!" I tell her, upset but secretly relieved that it doesn't seem like anything's happened. "Jennifer, I'm sorry. I really did have to go. A lot has happened since our phone call." She says, looking into my eyes. Concern creases her face. Before she can tell me more, Ben and Blaine tackle me into a group hug. I want to sob of relief. Even though I was teased by them as a kid so much, they're still my brothers and I still love them more than anything. We break apart after a while and begin to talk about our Dad. Not the fact that he's dying, but stories about him. Experiences that we'd had with him.
Mom is sharing one now, and Ben and Blaine are laughing at it. Tears well up in my eyes as I think about my Father. He was my rock for so many years as a child; the one who helped shape me into a strong person. He was sometimes strict, but I know that he always wanted what's best for me. I don't know what I'll do without him.
We sit and wait for hours, talking a bit but not much. The tension and anxiety hanging in the air is almost unbearable, but I have to stay here in the hallway. For my Dad.
Eventually I drift off to sleep, only to be woken what feels like minutes later by a Doctor. "Mrs. Lawrence? Are you awake?" I hear a voice over me say. I check my phone for the time; its 1:34 AM. Uh oh. Why would a doctor be waking us this early in the morning? What if my Father's condition has gotten worse? What if... I can't even finish the thought.
I groggily sit up and tap my mom on the shoulder, waking her up. "Mrs. Lawrence, I'm terribly sorry to be waking you up. My name is Dr. Rosichi, as you probably know. I'm here to tell you good news and bad news. The good news is that Gary is no longer in a coma.
The bad news that your husband has worsened in condition since waking and is expected to pass away this morning."