If This Was A Movie - A Joshifer Fanfiction

Chapter 40

Josh's POV
Today has been one of the hardest days of my life. I didn't expect Jen's emotions to rise as much as they did, and I just sat there like an idiot. I should've helped her; I should've tried to comfort her sooner. But I didn't. I didn't and now I feel absolutely horrible. Now I'm stuck in a raging storm of emotions. Sadness, fear, and regret are among it. But also love and compassion and concern too. At the very bottom of it is love and fear. The two and only two things I feel right now that somehow always go together, no matter what the situation is. In this case, I'm afraid of what might happen to us. Jen seemed to think that she isn't good enough to be with me. My heart immediately sunk when I heard that. It's almost indescribable; the same pain that you feel when you see the most beautiful person in the world saying that they're ugly. Or the smartest that they're the dumbest. Or the most amazing that they're horrible. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I heard those words.
I glance over at the clock on her bedside table to see that it's four in the morning. I shift my gaze so I'm staring at her. I try so hard not to stare at people, but with her it's impossible. I could stare at her for hours and never get bored, just taking in her and all she is. Especially now, as she sleeps. She is curled up in a ball though her arms are wrapped around me. Her golden blond hair has naturally curled overnight and it lies sprawled around her, almost like a crown. She's frowning as if she's about to cry, which concerns me. Her eyes are closed and thankfully the tears have stopped, hopefully they won't return. There were at least three hours that she couldn't stop crying, even in her sleep. I myself haven't slept hardly at all tonight. I'm worried sick about Jen, so I've sat here, staring at her almost the entire night. When tears fell from her eyes, I lightly stroked her cheeks as they streamed down, gently wiping them away. But I've mostly been lost in her, aimlessly staring at her as she peacefully sleeps.

Her eyes suddenly snap open and she immediately sits up, making me have to lean back so I don't get hit. Jen immediately cries out, and before I know it she's crying again. "Dad... No... No... No. No. No." She whispers, her voice getting louder and louder as she continues to talk. I can't resist it any longer. I wrap my arms around her and softly rub her back. "It'll be okay." I whisper in her ear. She is stiff but then adjusts and wraps her arms so hard around me that it's nearly impossible to breathe. She sobs into my neck and I feel her entire body shaking. I close my eyes. "You're okay. We're here." I coo. "Why is this s-so hard..." Jen asks rhetorically through sobs. Her body wracks with another sob, further breaking my heart. Every time I see her in pain, my heart sinks even more. It's unbearable to see her this way.
Jen's POV
Another sob wracks my body. I can't do this. The nightmare was too strong, too deeply stabbing at my emotions. I was a child again, probably only eight or nine. I was running along the shore of a lake near my childhood house with my father, who was smiling from ear to ear and laughing. I was laughing, too, as I sprinted into the refreshingly cool lake water and splashed it at him. Ben and Blaine ran in from behind me and tried to submerge me under the water. I dodged their attempt and ran toward my father, scared of what they might do to me. My father stared down at me with fatherly love in his gaze and then suddenly splashed me with a great wave. I giggled, but my expression quickly changed as he fell back. He lied on the soft beach sand, unconscious. I then put my hand on his wrist to check his pulse. Nothing. My brothers were busy trying to drown each other, and when I cried out, they didn't hear me. That's when I woke up. Now, my arms are wrapped so tightly around Josh that I doubt he can breathe. I feel a sob rising in my throat again, and I don't hold it back. I can't handle more nightmares. Or emotional breakdowns. Every time I have one I end up freaking out and then ending up in Josh's arms and crying my eyes out. I can't go on like this. I can't make him carry that burden. It would break me to know that I've made someone else carry a burden that is mine and my problem. Especially someone that I love as much as him. But I don't know what to do, because I do love him. More than anything I've ever loved before. But I don't want him to be in pain because of my actions. I can't afford that. So, naturally, I've fucked everything up yet again.
"I'm so sorry," I choke out in a quiet, hoarse voice. "I don't want to hurt you." I flit my eyes up so I meet his. Josh has the saddest look on his face that I've quite possibly ever seen before. "You haven't hurt me, Jen." He whispers, sadness tinting his voice. There's also a note of sincerity. "I've messed up everything. Everything is my fault." I choke out. I bury my head in my hands and start to cry again. I can't even try to keep it in this time. I curl back up in a ball and sob. Josh holds me as I do, gently wrapping his arms around me. "Jen, nothing is your fault." He says softly in a low whisper. "But it is." I insist. "I don't know what happened... I was fine for so long, but then--" Another sob escapes my mouth. "T-then this happened." I take a deep breath and remove my head from my hands, trying to meet his eyes. "I'm so scared, Josh. I don't trust myself to stay emotionally stable anymore. I don't even think I can be a good person; grief has consumed me. The only thing that's kept me grounded is you... But I'm so terrified that I'll hurt you. I don't want that. I don't want to lose you." I say, shifting my gaze down. My emotions become almost glossed over. "I can't lose you. I can't lose you. I can't lose you." I whisper under my breath, almost as if I'm going insane. Sobs continue to shake my body. I suddenly pull away from Josh, and in almost one movement I'm sitting at the edge of my bed, tightly gripping the blanket. Almost to hold onto something real. I feel emotions come crashing down again; so many that I can't handle them. I'm going insane. I must be going insane.
"Jen? Jen!" Josh yells as I feel emotions overtake me. "Jen. Look at me!" He continues to yell. But I can't. I'm stuck, vacantly staring at the blankets. The emotions inside of me all seem to be clashing at once; fighting each other and going absolutely crazy. My body starts to shake. "Jen. Please. Look at me." Josh repeats, sounding scared. But I still can't. He suddenly does something unexpected. He leans over and softly takes my face in his hands. I'm tense everywhere, but I relax once I feel his touch. All I can do is stare vacantly at him, as hard as I try not to. "Jen. Please wake up. This isn't a dream, but emotions are like dreams. They aren't real, it's just how we choose to process things. Please, Jen. Please." Josh whispers to me, his voice shaking. Fear is notably in his demeanor. I try to process his words. Emotions aren't real, it's just our way of processing things.
I focus my eyes. I'm not vacantly staring anymore; I'm staring into Josh's eyes. The emotions inside me are still in turmoil, but they seem to have calmed down just enough that I've regained control. I can tell that he sees them in my eyes. But now, instead of sadness or anger or anxiety, the emotion that I feel is love. Josh helped me; he saved me from whatever was about to happen. He stayed with me through this instead of turning his back toward it.
Josh throws his arms around me and holds me there for a long time. I feel an unexpected warmth rush through me. "It's okay. We're here together now. It'll be alright." Josh coos softly. I want to cry of relief. "I'm okay." I say incredulously. "You're okay." He confirms. For the first time today, I smile. This smile is short lived and probably horrible but it's genuine. I'm okay. And that's when I realize that everything will be alright. That I will probably never truly get over the passing of my father, but that's okay. I will learn to live with that. But there's only one person who can truly unconditionally love me and always be here for me and somehow miraculously save me every single time, even through painful situations like this one. Josh. He has helped to mend me in a few short minutes; I know he will in the future, too.
He slowly pulls away from our embrace. I immediately miss the warmth and comfort of his arms, but I try to shove that feeling down. Josh looks me directly in the eyes, not wavering once. "Jen, you're not going to lose me. You're not going to hurt me. It's okay to be emotional, Jen. Everyone is. And... I need you like a heartbeat; I can't live without you, okay? I need you." He says his words with such raw emotion that it makes me want to cry. Love and sadness together make up his tone. His words bury their way into my heart and rest there. Though my eyes sting from crying and my entire body hurts from sobbing, I feel contempt in this moment. I meet his gaze. "Thank you," I begin quietly. I pause for a moment. "I love you more than my vocabulary can fathom." A small smile has spread across his face. "You really, really mean it?" He asks, trying not to let the excitement into his voice. It doesn't work. I laugh. "Yes, I really really mean it. I love you." I say, gesturing to me and him as I say my words, just as he did yesterday. He then does something I didn't expect. He leans in and kisses me. I will never be prepared for the feeling of warmth that rushes through me or the thrill of kissing the person that I love the most in the entire world. This is a different kiss; almost strange. Two equally broken lovers, united as one. Two halves of broken hearts that fit together to be whole again.
That's the moment I realize how wrong I was. About being afraid he would leave me or being scared of my emotions running wild because it would hurt him. I won't hurt him. I can't. Because I love him, and he loves me. And when you feel true love, it's almost impossible to feel any other emotion. I feel whole now; complete because we're here together. This is a kiss that makes up for so many lost ones; when Liam walked in and while I was drunk. But I don't feel pressured by myself to take this beyond a kiss; it is just simply a wonderfully blissful kiss.
It only feels like seconds before he pulls away, but it's probably been much longer than that. I position myself so that my head rests on his chest and I can hear his heartbeat. I meet his eyes and stare at him for a long time. We are unchanged but yet everything has changed. I know now that he will stay by my side through everything, even if I'm losing myself through my emotions. He'll always be there to guide me back to being myself again, and I've never known another person that's been quite like that.
Josh takes my left hand, with the ring on it, and squeezes it affectionately. Somehow, that's how I know that I'm meant to be here. I didn't make any mistake; we are made to be together, no matter how many struggles we encounter.

authors note;
a lot happened in this chapter oh my god 😂 GUYS!!! 9K FREAKING VIEWS THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG
-zoe 🐮