If This Was A Movie - A Joshifer Fanfiction

Chapter 34

As soon as I step out of the Louisville terminal, I'm greeted not by paparazzi but by the fresh scent of snow. It's refreshingly cold and hits my skin instantly; much nicer than cameras snapping in your face, watching your every movement. A warm coat covers most of me, but the cold feels good on what the coat does not cover. I step forward and look around for my family, who is supposedly coming to pick me up. I find them standing by my mom's black SUV. Blaine's eyes meet mine from across the airport and soon I'm running toward my brothers. Both come running at me, and once they reach me both of them tackle me in a hug. "Jen! We've missed you!" Ben yells as we break apart. "The Well, I mean, I have. He hasn't." He says, gesturing to Blaine. I laugh. "Nope, haven't missed you at all." Blaine says, elbowing me. I smile. "Hey, look who I brought..." Blaine says, a smile growing on his face. I look behind him. I find Bear looking up at me. I exaggerate a surprised expression. "Little Bear! Hello!" I say, smiling down at him. "Jen!" He yells enthusiastically. I laugh. "You're a handsome little guy, huh?" I say, lightly poking him in the stomach. He erupts in childlike laughter. I smile, affection in my eyes as I look down at him. I playfully ruffle his hair and let him go back to being with Blaine. I shift my attention back to my mom, who is walking toward us. It's soon that she's hugging me tightly. "Jen, I missed you so much!" She says into my shoulder. She pulls away after a minute. "I missed you too, Mom." I say, smiling at her.
It's soon that we're all, including Amanda, piled into my mom's car and on the way home. Home at last. I rest my head on the window sill in the car as I watch the snowy landscape pass by. After the buildings pass, for a while there's nothing but a snowy expanse. If people were puzzles, I feel like my puzzle just got a piece closer to being complete. I'm with my family now, all is well. Except for the one piece missing. Josh. If he were here, everything would be perfect. But he's not, and the emptiness of not being with him is weighing me down again. I try not to let it drag me down, but it's incredibly hard.
And... Josh isn't the only piece missing right now. My father, too. He may have passed peacefully but my heart is still aching about it. His last words still ring in my head during every waking moment, and now that I'm with my family that's just more apparent. Be someone's flower in a snowstorm. I think I understand it now... But how do I be someone's flower when that someone is across the country? I feel a frown spread across my face. This is a frown that you'd generally see before someone starts to cry; an effort to conceal tears. I blink my eyes to try to keep from crying. It works, but I must look extremely uncomfortable. "Jenny are you okay?" I hear a small and childish voice say from beside me. Bear. I notice that he's used what once was Nicholas's nickname for me, but it doesn't bother me much anymore. Somehow solidifying things between us has made the sting of hearing old phrases and nicknames pass easily. I smile as I hear Bear's concern. "I'm okay, little guy." I say. I gently drape my arm around his small shoulders. He giggles. "That tickles!" I smile. "It does, silly goose?" I say, playfully taunting him. He giggles even louder. I move my arm so it doesn't tickle him anymore and gently caress his face instead. Bear leans his small head into the crook of my arm and falls asleep. I laugh softly.
"Looks like you have a friend there." I hear. I glance over to find Amanda looking at us. I smile, looking down at Bear with adoration in my eyes. I hear the snap of the camera on my phone. Wait, my phone. My phone! "Amanda! Give me back my phone!" I say in a quiet but forceful whisper. She laughs. "I'm posting this to your Facebook account. Your fans will go absolutely nuts." I sigh. "You little shit." I say playfully, snatching my phone out of her hands. She mocks being offended, and I playfully shove her, careful not to wake Bear. She rolls her eyes. I glance over to see that Amanda has already posted the photo. I take my phone back and edit it to add the caption partner in crime and lock up my phone. Notifications come immediately but I ignore them, closing my phone and putting it back in my pocket. I close my eyes for the rest of the car ride, leaning back against my seat.
It seems like only minutes later that my mom has pulled into the driveway of our house. The sky has grown dark, though. Through the illumination of the street lamps, I see the familiar house with brown detailing that I grew up in. The exterior is almost untouched from when I lived here. There's even a brick still missing in the spot that Blaine accidentally kicked too hard once. I smile at the memory.
I open the door and everyone piles out of the car and into the house. When I step inside, I find the house looks exactly the same as it did last month. The living room still the same, with its worn couches and shelves. I expect my dad will come down stairs soon to greet us--
And that's when I realize, for the millionth time, that he's dead. My smile instantly fades away and I feel tears tugging at my eyes. That's the worst part about losing someone you love; you never forget them. Never. As hard as you may try, you'll always want to call them on their birthday or tell them something. I feel a new emptiness forming in my chest; an emptiness alongside the one that Josh has left. I stop in my tracks, leaving my family to stare at me. My heart starts beating faster. Extremely fast. Is this what a panic attack is? No. Please no. Not here. Not now.
My father is dead. Gone. He only left me with a few last words of advice. I didn't even get to say my last words to him. No I love you's or anything. He died too soon, and of such a horrible thing. Tears blur my vision, but I blink them away. I need to spend time with my family now, not dwelling on my dad's death.
I take a deep breath and try to regain my composure. I see that my suitcase has been left by the door and that Amanda has left, so I go and get my bad. I wheel it to my bedroom, which is untouched from the last time I was here. The same fluffy blanket is lazily laid out on the corner of my bed, the same pillows messily arranged.
I put my suitcase down next to my bed and flop down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Tears are still in my eyes, despite my efforts to blink them away. My dad is gone. Josh is across the country. Two things that are absolute fact that I have not fully processed yet. I don't think I'll ever truly process my dad's passing, but being in this room doesn't help. Memories flood back into my mind; crying in the shower, preparing for my father's funeral, and finally Josh coming to comfort me.
"Jen?" I hear coming from my door. "Can I come in?" I recognize the voice as my mother's. "Yeah." I say, trying to sound at ease. I hear the door open and softly close without taking my eyes off the ceiling. I then hear a different sound, though. Paws scraping against the carpet floor and the familiar ring of a dog collar. "Pippi!" I say, sitting up instantly. Pippi, agile for a dog, jumps into my arms. I smile as Pippi goes crazy and licks my face. "Amanda brought her for you." My mom says, stepping into my room. She sits down on the small couch against the wall and looks over at me, trying to meet my eyes. "How are you doing, Jen?" She asks, concern in her voice. Her facial expression looks equally as worried. I sigh. "Okay, I guess. Just tired. And... Umm, I miss a lot of people. That's all." I say, avoiding her eyes. She nods understandingly. "I still miss your father too, you know. I know how hard it is to be away from people you love." She says. I'm taken aback. How does she perfectly understand what I'm going through? "How do you deal with it?" I whisper quietly, sadness in my voice. She shifts her eyes to the floor. "I don't know yet. Maybe eventually the hurt will pass over and it'll just be sadness when I think about him." She says, drifting off. "But for now it hurts me whenever I think about him. I mean, for you, this is different. You'll see Josh soon. Just hold on to that; the fact that maybe you're not there yet, but you will get there. You'll be with him and realize that holding on was worth it. So hold on, okay?" She says intently. I meet her eyes slowly as she says her words. I nod. "For now, get some sleep. It's getting late." She says, just as her position as my mother would incline. I laugh. "Mom, it's 9:30. Not that late." I say, halfheartedly attempting to make joke. I am tired, though, and I don't feel like doing anything other than sleeping.
My mother gets out of her seat and stands up to leave. "Goodnight Mom." I say, as if I were a kid again. "Goodnight, Nitro. Don't let the bed bugs bite." I laugh. "That was overkill." I say, smiling. "Don't mention it." And with that she walks out, softly closing the door behind her. A strange feeling of nostalgia has come over me, and memories of my childhood come flooding back. The night after my first day as a nurse at Camp HiHo, when I was twelve. My mother had said the exact same thing to me, but then I'd rolled my eyes instead of smiling. I didn't appreciate her then; I just wanted to be independent and call my own shots, but as I got older I realized that she shaped me into the person I am today, and I wouldn't trade anything for that.
I'm startled out of memories as I hear Pippi's dog tags jingle. I glance over to see her chewing on the corner of my suitcase. "Pippi!" I sigh, and smile at her. She looks at me with sad puppy eyes. I walk over and pat her on the head, then opening the suitcase and grabbing pajamas. I quickly change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt that I grabbed. I stuff my worn clothing back into my suitcase and zip it up. I then climb into bed, greeted by Pippi who falls asleep at my feet. I, too, soon begin to drift off into a dreamless night.