If This Was A Movie - A Joshifer Fanfiction

Chapter 41

It's been almost four days since the anxiety attack and many sleepless nights followed. I wasn't able to sleep unless Josh was there, holding my hand. Regardless, emotions kept attacking me. But four days ago I found something to fight for. Love. And that won't easily slip away from me. The only thing keeping me going through those days was the fact that I had love left; the only emotion in me that I still trusted. The rest have destroyed me. I don't even really trust myself anymore to stay in control of them. The only person that has that ability over me is Josh.
I now stand by the giant window in my hotel room, leaning against the glass. Part of me is afraid that it might break, and that I might fall through it and over the city. Another part of me says that it wouldn't mind that; falling to my death.
Sadness begins to creep over me again, this time demanding attention. Maybe it deserves the attention it wants. Maybe I could let it free and end all of this. Maybe it would be best for everyone. Josh would get over it eventually and probably find someone else to marry and love. Kiss another pair of lips and be perfectly happy, and I would just become a memory. A faint recollection of the past. A blink of an eye in a timeline. A small piece that wasn't needed in the grand scheme of things.
I realize that I'm tightly gripping the metal beam between the panes of glass on the window. I'm completely tense, I can't move. I stare out into the city, trying to find interest in the moving of cars and people. But I can't. I can barely focus my eyes on anything, much less moving objects. I start to violently shake, and I'm still gripping the metal support beam. Maybe it would be better off if I wasn't here. If the burden of having me around no longer existed.
"Jen?" I hear Josh softly call from the other room. I don't respond. I can't. It's suddenly very hard to breathe. I force air in and out of my lungs as I feel my knees buckling. I suddenly cry out. Josh comes running immediately. "Jen!" He yells, alarmed. "Oh my god, no no no..." He continues to mutter under his breath. Josh runs over to me and stands across from me. "Jen. Look at me." He says insistently. I don't. My eyes have glazed over again. He places his hands on my shoulders. "Look. At. Me." He says, in a deadly low whisper. I feel his hands on my shoulders. That's when I realize that I can feel something. The tenseness in my body slowly starts to subside until I'm standing like I normally would. Relief floods Josh's face. I feel now that my eyes can focus again. I'm staring into his eyes. "Everything's okay." He says softly. "I love you."
I realize then that I'm not a burden. I shouldn't leave this world; I can't leave him. I can't leave the only person that loves me. I can't. My family comes into my mind. I can't leave. I can't give up. They can't lose me. I think of my father, who told me on his dying breath that I had to be there for someone and love them. And I've found that someone; I know that my father would never forgive me if I left this world if he were alive now. And my mother... She would be devastated. She would somehow make it her fault, and I can't handle that. I can't live or die with that on my mind. I think of the thousands of fans screaming at premieres and smiling widely and waiting hours just to see me walk by. I can't leave them, either. I have things to fight for, even if one of them has left this earth. I can't leave now. I won't give up.

"I love you too."

A pause follows my words, a contempt one. I stare into his eyes, uncertain of everything around me but him.
"Jen, I think I know how you could help keep your emotions in check." Josh says, a small smile spreading across his face. I raise my eyebrows. "How?"
"Do you remember the dancing lessons we took before we filmed Catching Fire?"
I widen my eyes. "Oh shit." I mutter under my breath. Josh smiles. "Dancing is fun but can also help you exercise control over your body which might help translate that into emotional control as well." He says, almost as if reciting words he's read.
"You little dork."
"I work for tips."
I smile. Josh takes one of my hands in his and places his other hand on my hips, as you would in ballroom dancing. I sigh. "Damn it, I've always been so bad at this. It was hard enough to learn to dance for Catching Fire." Josh just smiles even wider.
"All the more reason to practice."
I sigh again. I place my other arm on top of his and we sway together to the nonexistent music. I smile, one of the first genuine ones in a few days. I feel the same as I was but somehow I have changed. I've grown stronger in some areas and weaker in others. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I'm myself again.
We are simply two individual beings brought together by love, dancing over the New York skyline. You can see the entire city from where we stand. But we're so small compared to the vastness of this lively city. Two paper airplanes flying.
Josh lifts his arm, indicating for me to twirl. I do, laughing as I spin around. Josh smiles. "See? You can dance." He says, just as I accidentally step on his toe for the third time. I wince. "Sorry Joshy." I say, still dancing. He meets my eyes, his shown with affection. "I love it when you call me that." I smirk. "What was that, Joshy?" I ask, pretending to be confused. A smirk still plays on my face. "It really hurt when you forcefully slammed your foot down onto my weak and unprotected toe." He says in a whisper. I laugh and then playfully punch him. "You little shit. It was an accident." I say, half joking and half scared that I actually hurt him. He smiles. "I know, I'm okay."
"Hey, you remember that dance you did in Silver Linings with Bradley?" He questions, his eyes quizzical. "Oh my god. Don't you dare mention that one." I say, my face reddening with embarrassment. "I did so horribly..." I say, trailing off as I remember that day. Filming Silver Linings Playbook and becoming Tiffany was absolutely amazing, but the dancing... Let's just say it this way; I'm a horrible dancer. It didn't go well. Learning the choreography was hard, and doing it with Bradley on camera was even harder. The good thing was that Bradley brought donuts to set after we shot that scene. "Aww, shut up! You did amazing." Josh says. I bring my hand to my face in a facepalm. But my mind drifts back to the inevitable; donuts. I remove my face from my hand and return Josh's gaze. I stop dancing for a moment, not removing my hand from his. The room grows quiet and still in start contrast to our dancing moments ago. I break the silence. "Joshy, I have a really serious question to ask you." I say, trying to sound as serious as I can. He looks taken by surprise and nods, and I know my idea is working. "Do you think there are any donut shops open now?" I ask, as serious as I can. He laughs. "That's-- that's the question? Oh my god." He says, almost in disbelief. I smile. He then glances over at the clock. The smile fades from his face. "Jen, it's eleven at night..." He says, trailing off. I get a lopsided grin on my face. "Who cares?"
Minutes later, we're standing by the front door. I've thrown a jacket on over a pajama shirt and Josh has done the same. Josh looks at me quirkily. "You think the world is ready to see Jennifer Lawrence in her polka dotted pajamas?" He asks, sounding shocked. I smile at him apologetically. I become a bit self conscious about the fact I'm standing there in polka dotted pajama pants and a t-shirt, not to mention the fact that my hair is a mess. "No. Never ready for the wrath of Jennifer Lawrence's messy hair and polka dotted pajamas." I say, allowing drama to enhance my voice. He laughs. Even in the dead of night, I can clearly see his eyes. Though they're hazel, they look very green tonight, the city lights reflected on them. The reflection of light from the window seems to highlight all of Josh's features, making him look, well, hot. But I try not to stare at him as I grab my purse, hastily stuffing my phone inside. "There's a donut place just down the street that seems to be open." Josh says as I zip up my purse and sling it around my shoulder. I nod and realize that I've forgotten to put on makeup, so I unzip my purse and dig around for styling products. I hastily attempt to put on mascara in the half illuminated room. "What are you doing?" Josh asks, taken aback by my actions. He sounds utterly confused and incredulous to what I'm doing. I laugh. "Makeup." I say, trying to keep it short. "Oh, come on! You don't need it, you look beautiful." He says. I can't help it; my heart melts. An overwhelming need to kiss him comes over me, but I try to ignore it. Instead, I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. He seems taken aback by this, and a small blush then spreads across his cheeks. He's better at concealing emotions than I am, but that doesn't help this time. It plays across his face in an obvious way. I smile to myself as I stuff makeup back into my purse and zip it up. Josh opens the door and holds it open for me, which I return with a ruffle of his hair.
It's soon that we're in the elevator. We're staying at the same hotel I was at for the Joy premiere, and bad memories are beginning to come back from that day. Running from paparazzi. Falling. Crying myself to sleep.
I feel an arm snake around my back, subtly reminding me that everything will be okay. I lean my head on Josh's shoulder and wait until the elevator reaches the bottom floor.
Once we reach the lobby, I'm delighted to find that there's not as many paparazzi outside of the hotel as usual. Maybe they wanted to get some extra sleep.
I take Josh's hand and walk through the now growing crowd of press, trying to ignore their yelling. There aren't as many tonight, but that won't stop them for being just as loud as ever. They yell questions at us, notably staring at and zooming in on the ring on my finger, which Josh tries to cover with his own hand. The makeup on my face isn't enough to conceal the trace of tears on my face from the last few days, and I'm sure the press'll have something to say about that.
The clicks and whirs of cameras continue, and that's when I realize that I've stupidly forgotten my sunglasses. Camera lights flash as I squint to find my way through the growing crowd around us. The only thing that's constant now is Josh's hand holding mine. He leads me through the crowd, toward the donut shop which is just down the street. It was a bit pathetic to think that we'd be alone at this hour, but I had hoped so. I guess maybe not.
We reach the donut shop in about fifteen minutes, though it's only a few buildings down from the hotel. Once we're inside, the smell of baked goods makes me overwhelms my senses. The decor of the place is nice and surprisingly upscale. "A twenty four hour donut place, huh? I bet you'd stay here all hours if you could." Josh says, elbowing me. I roll my eyes. "I would if I could have you with me. We could pig out on donuts together." I say, smiling slightly at the thought. He laughs. "I'll consider it."
There's almost nobody in the shop, so we're only second in line. As we wait, I stare longingly at the donuts in the display case. I feel Josh's eyes on me, watching me as I stare at the donuts. It isn't uncomfortable, although he never once takes his eyes off of me even while we're ordering. "What would you like?" The lady at the counter asks, sounding exhausted. I feel Josh's arm snake around my back, holding me in a protective gesture. I smile over at him, before getting lost in his eyes. They're dark with flecks of green and hazel and they're absolutely beautiful. He stares at me with a look in his eyes that I can only comprehend as love. I return his gaze, my eyes full of similarly matched affection.
I try to savor this moment here, right now, as it is. Two lovers standing in a donut shop, surrounded by paparazzi and a busy city. Nothing about our surroundings is perfect; but I think we are. Maybe we've had our struggles and bumps in the road together, but we're here now. We were built to fall apart, and fall back together. We didn't fall apart exactly, but I did. I was at absolute rock bottom and maybe I still am now, but the once gaping and painful wounds have begun to heal. To heal and turn to battle scars and marks of strength. Josh has helped me find the strength in myself in places I never thought it would exist; he has saved my life. Nobody else has the ability to do that but him.
I lean over and kiss him, leaving the lady behind the counter grumbling and the cameras snapping. In this moment though, I couldn't care less.

authors note;
hiii🌚 sorry for the sucky chapter but i'm actually updating whoa
feedback is appreciated ❤️
so my dad surprised me with the thg all four movie set today after school and i died oh my god
also if you understand the 48484858 taylor swift references in this chapter i love you
-zoe 🐮