Broken

Chapter 3: Decision

"So, are you going to help lover boy?" Charlotte asks. Inside I'm smiling and I want to teach him. It could be fun, but I show no obvious emotion that I feel that way towards him.
"Well," she continues."
"What are you talking about?" Elaine pitches in.
"Corey Evans gave her a note and asked for some tutoring," she explains to Elaine. Elaine displays a full face smile.
"Oooh, I wish I was old enough for him."
"What about Jake?"
"Oh, yeah, true. But I don't think he likes me,"
"Don't sweat it kid. Boys suck,"
"Will you help him?" questions Elaine.
"I don't know." I say quietly.
"You like him, you know you do," Charlotte smiles widely. Anger, frustration and a touch of embarrassment bubble up inside me quickly and I close my eyes, breathe and compose myself.
"No. I don't like him," I say flatly. I attempt to push away my guilt of my straightforward lie to them. Both Charlotte and Elaine have some inkling that deep within I hold secret affection towards him but looking back I have come to absolutely no understanding of why they would think that. As we take our regular spot beneath a tree, I pull my phone from my pocket. I begin to type Corey's number into my phone when pale blue colored nails grab my wrist and dab it with a tissue. I feel her sympathy as she wipes the blood that unknowingly dripped down my arm. I watch a tear fall down her cheek and pull her into a quick embrace, my heart beating a million miles an hour. With the blood gone I continue to text as Elaine and Charlotte engage in boring conversation.

'Corey? It's Cadence,' I text and send. Seconds later my phone vibrates in response.

'Hey C, what is it? x' he replies.

'It's about the tutoring. Mr Sales said we can use his class room for about an hour after class tomorrow if that suits you?' I hit send.

'Sounds perfect, C. Thanks heaps. x' He responds.

I slide my phone into my pocket, trying desperately to not over think the meaning behind that stupid little 'x' at the end of his stupid little messages. But, I can't help it. It is probably nothing though. He's a popular boy, perhaps he texts like that to every girl.
Being mindful, I keep my head down and slip my fingers into the opposite sleeve of my hoodie, tracing my wounds distractedly.
"You're blushing," Elaine chimes.
I shake my head violently, absolutely refusing to make eye contact.
"But you are. Is it Corey? It's Corey isn't it? You can tell us," Charlotte urges.
I shake my head again. "No," I whisper. "I don't like him." I try to keep my voice firm and polite, but with great disappointment, like everything in my life, my tone is shaky; an obvious lie. Charlotte leans in without touching me but her breath is warm against my ear, a the light scent of mint from her gum.
"It's okay. You know you can tell me anything. I'm here."
Again I take a deep breath, "I do not like him. I'm happy alone."
"Happy?" Elaine adds. "You're never happy."
To that I don't respond. I merely drop all conversation with them. I stand, throwing my bag on my shoulder.
"Where are you going Cadence?"
I walk off silently, ignoring Charlotte, who with her curious behaviour will report to harassing me in my next class.

~xoxoxoxo~

There are ten minutes till class, and for the second time today I'm in the bathroom, locked in my favourite cubicle with my best friends on my lap; my sleeves pushed up to my elbows. I pick a razor and close my eyes, pressing the cold metal against my arm, tearing apart the semi-healing wounds from first period, making a new scar as I go. After minutes of continuous motions the bell sounds. I do my best attempt to clean the blood and stop as my mind floods with thoughts of how Charlotte and Elaine may feel if they knew they caused me such pain. 'They can't know I like him. I just want to tutor him. I just wish they would leave it alone.'  I think to myself. 'After all, who the fuck in this world would like you. You're ugly, and fat and no one could love you.' I put my blades away and leave as my sub-conscious sneers at me, and hurry to English.

On arrival I take my usual spot at the back once again and to my dismay I manage to look up as Corey strides in, fashioning a smile from ear to ear. His eyes lock mine and I drag mine away as he chooses a spot near the front. Taking his seat I see him turn around in my peripheral to look at me one last time. I ignore the sweet notion that makes my heart flutter with excitement, with lust. 'He's so gorgeous.' I grab my notebook from my bag and doodle in it waiting for Miss Byron to attend. Whilst scrubbing in my book, my pocket vibrates and unsure, I pull out my phone as the rest of the class shuffles in.

''Hey C, can't wait for tutoring...so excited. x'

I smile to myself and text back urgently.

'Yeah, me too I guess.'

Putting my phone in my lap I hear footsteps followed by a familiar voice. "Hey class, Miss Byron is away but she left you with some paired work." It's Mr Sales, with Charlotte trailing behind. He waits for her to take a seat before continuing.
"Okay guys so easy lesson. I have paired you all up and you are to write a poem about an issue you find important, whatever that may be."
I wait patiently with great anticipation and anxiety as he goes through the list before he gets to my name. "Cadence...and Corey," he says. I nod and collect my things before moving to the empty seat next to him. Mr Sales finishes the list and takes the place at the desk, leaving us to it. After a minute 5 minutes of pure silence Corey speaks. "Well, didn't I get incredibly lucky."
I say nothing and stay quiet, nerves taking over.
"You don't say much do you, Cadence?"
"No," I murmur.
"Is everything okay? Can I help?"
I shake my head in disagreement.
"Which is it? Not okay or can't help?"
"Both,"
"Cadence?" ... "Please look at me,"
I take a deep breath and state into those green eyes. Slowly, he places his hand gently on my sleeved arm.
"Please stop cutting, you're beautiful and I'm here for you."
I feel my heart pound against my chest, my breathing heavy and uncontrollable and manage to mumble a response. "That's a lie. I'm not."
"Cadence, you are beautiful. Stop hurting yourself."
Part of my stops and wonders how he knows, I never told him but he knows me and he has for years. With my quest personality and the style of winter clothes I wear all year round, my only conclusion is that he put two and two together. But I nod, taking his words into account but make no promises that I will stop or even think about to for that matter.

~xoxoxoxo~