(Trigger warning)
~~~~Nicole's POV~~~~
It doesn't take long to get back into bad habits. It was a ruteen that you used to have. For me my days used to consist of exercise, avoid food and occasionally self harm. Self harming soon became less relevant since Michael would search around for my blades and make me flush them, he had good intentions though- I only wanted to hurt myself. Quite frankly I still want to hurt myself. I don't want to get back into bad habit because I promised Luke then again I'm slowly slipping back that way. I sometimes find myself wanting it, craving the pain I used to inflict on myself.
When Luke left today to go to Michael's I couldn't distract myself from the mind hurdling thoughts I keep having. Today they were spiraling out of control. You're not good enough. You're too fat. The scars are faded, the pains just on the inside. The thoughts got worse and worse until I finally had a mental break down and went to the bathroom. I've just bought a new pack of razors... You can probably guess what it is I'm about to do.
I don't even care that these are pricey either. The abundance of pain is consuming me into craziness. I need to do this. Only one, yeah, so I won't feel as guilty for breaking a promise. Once I finally freed the blades from their prison I lifted my shirt to reveal my scared hip. Just one. I reminded myself as I placed the sharp, silver piece of bendable mettle in between two scares. Just one. I thought. But one doubled then tripled, before I could stop myself, before I could realize what I have done, before I could feel bad about the sudden self mutilation of my skin- I looked at it, admired it. I felt absolutely numb to the world, in those minutes of complete nothingness my phone rang.
I quickly grabbed some toilet paper and raced to Luke and mine's bedroom. To my surprise it was Luke. Then all of a sudden I got those guilty feelings. I felt like I've let Luke down without him knowing it. What have I done? I questioned myself before answering the phone. When I finally came back down to earth my phone was still ringing so I picked it up and answered as fast as I could before the machine could end the call.
"Hello," I say.
"Hi, I'm on my way home just to let you know so don't think it's a burglar and hit me in the balls again with a hair dryer," Luke teased laughing a bit.
"Okay," I laugh, "but to be fair you did come into my room while the lights were off and I had nothing else to protect myself from intruders."
"True, I should've knocked, either way I would've still come in because Michael would've dragged me down the stairs or thrown me," Luke explains to me sounding cheerful yet sad at the same time.
I laugh remembering the scene in a 3rd persons point of view.
"I'm literally 5 minutes away so I'll see you in a bit," Luke tells me.
"Okay. See you in 5 minutes," I tell him hanging up the phone.
"Shirt," I curse to myself returning to the bathroom to see the mess I've made. "Great," I said to myself sarcastically bending down to clean up my blood on the tile floor. Once I was done I flushed the toiletpaper I had and wrapped my blade up and hid it in the crook of my side of the bed.
After I did all that I went downstairs and bundled myself up in a blanket. I imagined from someone else's eyes I looked like I was being eaten by this blanket. I laughed a little at the thought.
Soon enough I heard Luke open up the door.
"Did you turn into a burrito?" Luke laughed. I look at him and smile. I see him walk over to the spot beside me and took a seat there. "You okay?" he asked me.
"Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine thanks," I tell him, I couldn't help but feel guilty about what I've done.
After I said that I found Luke pulling me onto his lap and cuddled me. We stayed like this for a while. We watched TV and talked about work. Well, I talked about my work at Starbucks and Luke told me his tour dates. I honestly will miss this because I'm not aloud to be on the tour bus with Luke. He told me he would stow me away somewhere but one of the guys would find me. "I mean they're my best friends don't get me wrong, but they sure are nosy." Luke tells me laughing a bit causing me to laugh.
Before I know it it was already 7:37pm. It felt like 11pm honestly. Maybe it's the fact that Luke and I have literally done nothing all day.
"Nicole I'm going to grab something to eat. You want something?" Luke asked me, lifting me off of him.
"No, I'm fine. Thank you though." Luke I'm honestly starving. "Plus I have an early shift tomorrow and I'm kinda tired so I'll just eat breakfast," I lied about the breakfast. I honestly didn't want to eat today.
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Yeah there's probably gonna be a lot of trigger warnings throughout this book in Nicole's point of view maybe some in Luke's point of view, I don't know I just know about the Nicole POV will be more of a trigger because there will be more detail.
But yeah I'll make some happy chapters too, it just depends on how my brain thinks of an event.
Sorry if this authors note made sense I'm somewhat brain dead now.
Anyways thanks for reading so so much you're amazing for lending your time to read this. I'll update soon.
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Relapse (Luke Hemmings)
Fanfiction(This is book 2, book one is my eating disorder). Nicole's life was going well until she hit a bad relapse. Luke tries to help her through it but Nicole's stubbornness might be the end of them. Will their relationship end or will it continue?
